suggestions

  • 30 Oct 2014 at 4:30 PM
  • Banks

Deutsche Bank, Suspended Traders Are Friends Again

Alright, you can come down now.When a German judge tells you in clipped tones that you do not want her weighing in on the matter of (a) your suspension for (allegedly!) trying to manipulate interest rates or (b) your suspending said alleged manipulators without actually following any of the (probably thousands of) rules in Germany regarding such, you listen. Deutsche Bank and its suspended traders have listened. Read more »

Just kidding, he actually thinks the entire operation is a joke and went on CNBC to say as much, where he noted that the only conceivable way he could see the company turning things around would be if literally everyone working for it was fired. Read more »

Failure to “adhere to a clear breadstick policy” is one of the many, many things Olive Garden is doing wrong, according to a new presentation by Starboard Value. Read more »


Have you been indicted for insider trading? Forced to work your protected weekend? Been fired for being too good looking? Don’t waste your time with some fancy white shoe law firm representation. Instead, do yourself a favor and give this guy a call. Read more »

  • 03 Dec 2013 at 4:01 PM

Charlie Gasparino Has An Idea

As the world’s foremost business and economics reporter, everyone expects Gasparino to attend the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. The only problem is, he doesn’t like Swiss food, he doesn’t speak German, and, most importantly, skiing is no substitute for brutalizing ones’ pecs in the weight room. For these reasons, CG is a no go. Now, if you’d host the WEF in a more congenial location–a cigar bar, perhaps, or at a boxing match–you might pique his interest. Hold it at a classy Italian restaurant on East 54th Street and, well, let’s just say you can pencil him in. Read more »

Bankers’ bonuses should be deferred for as long as 10 years to hold executives accountable for risks, said Robert Jenkins, a member of a Bank of England committee charged with ensuring financial stability. “Five years might or might not be appropriate for some categories of risk, but if we are going to rely on remuneration as a key driver of financial stability then it should probably be between five or ten years,” Jenkins said in an interview yesterday in Washington. “Ten years would capture the majority of risk cycles and therefore the gains and losses that came from any risk that was taken today.” [Bloomberg, related-ish]

On November 6, 2012, as the results of the presidential election rolled in, a member of the Harvard Business School Class of 2010 considered ending it all. “The thought crossed my mind to jump off my penthouse apartment balcony,” he wrote his fellow classmates yesterday. Sure, he had a lot to live for: friends, family, the earthly delights afforded to him by living in Southern California (“surfing, mountains, 78 degree sunshine, and hot babes everywhere”), as well as a new company and all that came with it (relationships with celebrities that straddle the line between “friend and service provider,” as well as invites to “the VMAs and private concerts in Vegas”). But he also had a lot of reasons to be good and angry at the world, including but not limited to: the state of California being “filled with so many hippie liberals” he just might snap and in doing so “choke out a street bum,” people who “sit around with their hand out and expect to be fed,” and, most vexingly, the reelection of Barack Obama.

And while he did not in fact end up leaping from his penthouse balcony apartment that night, make no mistake, he was and is exceedingly pissed about the direction this country is going, which is due south on the Pacific Coast Highway right straight to hell. So instead, he went to bed, got up, sat down at his computer and channeled his anger into something productive: a list of suggestions for how we can get America back on track and in four years, wrest it from the hands of the people holding it hostage, like forcing candidates to use bullet points and telling the commies who don’t believe in capitalism to pack their shit because in 20 minutes they’re going to be blindfolded and stuffed into the back of a Ford Econoline van with all the other non-contributing zeroes who don’t understand how much of a privilege it is to live in the greatest country in the world and shipped off to a place where their views will be tolerated, only then finding out what it’s really like to suffer and perhaps finally understand how they’ve destroyed the United States of America with their leftist, hippie, commie/socialist/teat sucking agendas.

First, though, some life updates, because it really has been too long. Read more »