Tim Tebow

Why is everyone acting like that’s so awkward? Why is Becky turning bright red? Why is Andrew wishing there were a trap door under his chair? Why is the other guest looking at Woody Johnson like “Wow…” Oh, well just excuse the hell out of me. No, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we couldn’t ask the questions that everyone is thinking. No, no, it’s fine, I’ll just awkwardly change the subject by complimenting Woody’s tie and maybe in the future Dr. J takes his completely reasonable queries elsewhere. Read more »

From: [redacted at JPMorgan]
To: JPMorgan employees
Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2011 3:31 PM
Subject: Goodbye

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Who is the greatest Ponzi schemer of our generation? If we’re evaluating on the basis of sheer size, Bernie Madoff is the obvious answer. But as many of you know, size can only get you so far in life- it’s what you do with what you’ve got that matters. And Berns really didn’t do anything all that exciting with his ill-gotten gains. He bought a bunch of homes, yes, but his primary residence faced Lexington and from what we can tell, he didn’t buy anything that interesting with his cash. Same goes for most other scams- funds are spent on cars, maybe some jewelry, maybe some prostitutes, maybe some Teddy Bears. Frankly, from an investor stand point, it’s a little insulting- if you’re going to rip people off, at least do something real with the money. Make a name for yourself. Penetrate a community like never before. Follow in the footsteps of Nevin Shapiro.

Nevin, and you can quote us on this, became the frontrunner for greatest Ponzi schemer of our time when, from a jail cell, he chose to fuck the University of Miami football program raw, not unlike the players who he arranged prostitutes for over an 8 year period. How did he claim such a tittle? What steps should budding Ponzi schemers hoping to make a name for themselves be taking notes on? Read more »