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  • News

    Jeffrey Gundlach’s Babies Come Home

    Just a week after putting out an AMBER alert that several of his beloved pieces […]

    / Sep 28, 2012 at 12:41 PM
  • News

    What To Do (Or Not Do) Upon Waking Up In A Car “Driving Through A House,” Part II

    Back in May, we had a frank discussion about drinking with colleagues and/or clients after work. Specifically, how many drinks one should put away in order to have a good time but not cross any unfortunate lines. At the time, we used a young lady named Sophia Anderson as our guide and said that, assuming you have the tolerance of a 21 year-old female and considered being arrested post-Happy Hour for driving your through a stranger’s house one of those lines, no more than a dozen beverages should be consumed, with fourteen being the absolute max. Today we have just a quick update, to those for whom it bears mentioning, that if you’re going to ignore said guidelines and have that fifteenth cocktail shortly before accepting a ride home from an equally sloshed coworker who confuses someone’s front lawn/foyer/kitchen/backyard patio with the road, you should probably not agree to lie to the police and say you were the one driving. Not even if you’re secretly in love with him or her; not even if he or she promises to take take you on vacation after all of this blows over; not even if you were passed out the whole ride and a bit disoriented after “[waking] up as the incident occurred and the car drove through the house.”

    The sneaky punk who conned his drunk and coked-up girlfriend into taking the DWI rap for crashing through, and trashing, a Long Island home in his mom’s Mercedes convertible, was finally charged today with the May 28 crash and ordered held without bail. Suffolk DA Tom Spota said Dan Sajewski, 23, tricked Sophia Anderson, 21, into telling cops that she was behind the wheel when he crashed through the Huntington home of a 96-year-old woman – taking a 30-foot tree with him from the front to the back yard. Spota said the incredible demolition derby was the end result of a night of boozing and cocaine snorting at the $1.7 million mansion of Sajewski’s parents in exclusive Lloyd Harbor – when Sajewski and Anderson took a high speed joyride for more beer.

    “We know what really happened that day,’’ said Spota at a press conference after the court session. He said the couple, along with three pals, were doing shots of Jack Daniels and snorting coke at Sajewski’s doctor dad’s home until 4 a.m.
    The crash occurred during a trip for more Heineken beer, while Sajewski was driving, said Spota. He said Anderson was passed out in the passenger seat and “told us she wakes up as the incident is occurring and they were driving through the house.’’ Spota said Anderson “was in love with him’’ and agreed to take the rap, after he promised to pay her bail and legal bills – and take her on a vacation. He broke his word and she revealed it was all a lie. The DA said that when an x-ray technician at the hospital told her she could not have been the driver because of her injuries, Anderson told him “it’s a little too late for that.’’

    LI punk held without bail for May 28 crash that destroyed elderly woman’s home [NYP via DI]
    Earlier: Area Drunk Offers Handy How To Guide Re: Not Being Labeled “That Guy (Who Uses The Front Door Of A House As A Garage Door)” At The Office

    / Sep 19, 2012 at 4:04 PM
  • News

    Food Eating Challenge Of The Day: “It’s Not Clear What’s Going On In His Mind And Body”

    As you all are well aware, from time to time we cover food eating challenges around these parts. We don’t chronicle all the feats of gastrointestinal fortitude that come our way, though, because while we love you all, not all of your FECs constitute what we’d consider an actual challenge worth covering. As previously discussed, our high bar has everything to do with the first contest we ever wrote about (as a postmortem), which involved a man named Oyster Boy, who consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses, throwing down the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-à-vis goring yourself for sport. Do we really expect anyone to match OB in magnitude or strength of stomach lining? No, we do not. Having said that, “challenges” such as eating 8 vending machine items in 12 hours (or in an unlimited amount of time!) are not going to cut it. It’s not an exact science but we look for FECs that are imaginative, topical, and/or represent a high degree of difficulty. (And while we wouldn’t actually advise it, live streaming the whole thing would make our day.) Which brings us to today’s challenge.

    It occurred at an investment bank in midtown and although it loses points for not letting us know ahead of time so that we could chronicle the thing in real time, there are a number of things we like about it.

    Intern vs. VP. [Redacted] intern’s last day (ever?). A dozen donuts each from our friends at DD. 1 hour limit to finish…Intern: larger build, 6’1″ and extremely ambitious. VP: fit and 5’8″ with a vicious appetite.

    Identical donut selection includes:

    – 2 chocolate
    – 2 glazed
    – 1 sugar
    – 2 strawberry frosted
    – 2 chocolate frosted
    – 1 blueberry
    – 1 Oreo crumble
    – 1 Boston creme

    VP downed the whole thing in 13:31. Intern disappointingly tapped out shortly after at 9 donuts and a bite. Intern is feeling “terrible,” is alternating between a sugar rush and mild depression, and wants to sleep under his desk. It’s not clear what’s going on in his mind and body. Besides looking very uncomfortable, he’s having a hard time responding to questions with any answer besides “I don’t know.” He’s buying drinks for everyone tonight.

    Obviously there’s zero sense of urgency here as a result of getting a recap rather than doing it live. But! Twelve adult-sized donuts (as opposed to a bunch of munchkins)? Good. Thirteen minutes for the whole spread? Good. Pitting a superior against an underling (rather than making a couple of interns race each other)? GOOD. Take these ideas, particularly the last one and run with them. Feel free to come up with your own but at least just consider making founder vs. peasant/30 minutes/2 chocolate fountains each/70-100 items to dip/race to the finish happen.

    / Aug 9, 2012 at 1:27 PM
  • News

    You Don’t Have To Look Like That If You Don’t Want To

    Have the past several years wreaked havoc on your looks? Is your face starting to look like an old catcher’s mitt? Do you wake up with new wrinkles every day? Do you stare into the mirror and wonder who the old, haggard looking man staring back is? Does it look like a bag lady has taken up residence under your eyes? Do you catch a glimmer of your reflection and think, “Why would anyone want to fuck me? I’m hideous.” Are you generally disgusted with yourself? Do you want to do something about it, something involving a doctor’s office and needles, but are afraid of what people might think? Don’t be! According to Bloomberg lots of guys are taking 20 to “refresh” themselves and in fact, financial services employees represent “the fastest growing segment” of Dr. Dendy Engelman’s “patient population.” Everybody does it, it’s just that no one talks about it.

    Easing Stress In Time For The Weekend [BloombergTV]

    / Aug 8, 2012 at 4:23 PM
  • News

    Jack Welch’s Advice For Summer Interns: Show Human Emotion

    “Be likable. Just that. Fun, upbeat, friendly, authentic, filled with positive energy, happy, agreeable, chit-chatty […]

    / Jun 14, 2012 at 6:25 PM
  • News

    If This Investing Thing Doesn’t Work Out, One Tudor Venture Employee Has A Future At Radio City

    Earlier this week, we had a little chat about letting your hair down in the summer months, but not so much that you get a reputation among colleagues and/or law enforcement officials. For example, while you should definitely allow yourself to enjoy some adult beverages during leisurely outdoor lunches and cut out early to grab a few or more with coworkers you actually like, you don’t want to have so many drinks that you drive a car through a stranger’s house. To that end, while you should certainly feel comfortable getting up on a bar or table to dance like nobody’s watching, you might want to think about not getting up on table and (allegedly) destroying thousands of dollars in lighting fixtures while demonstrating a roundhouse kick.

    The arraignment of Daniel J. MacKeigan, 39, of Hingham, Mass, on a single count of vandalizing property, was postponed. MacKeigaan was present in court for Monday’s hearing, but his attorney requested delay in the formal arraignment, and the assistant district attorney said he wanted time to possibly reconsider the severity of the charge against MacKeigan. MacKeigan was arrested at 1 a.m. early Sunday morning on Straight Wharf after allegedly destroying a $3,500 chandelier with a kick while standing on a table at the new Cru restaurant, in the former Ropewalk spot. The case will be back in court on June 18.

    Court Full After A Busy Weekend [Nantucket Inquirer And Mirror]

    / Jun 1, 2012 at 1:18 PM
  • News

    Prison Life Not Such A Bad Deal For The Many Who’ve Long Fantasized About A World In Which Sticking A Fork In Someone’s Arm For The Smallest Of Offenses Was Considered Reasonable

    As America’s lockups have become more crowded, so has the prison-prep industry, a field built […]

    / Mar 26, 2012 at 12:32 PM
  • richardbransondog

    News

    Presenting: Executive Bitches

    For Valentine’s Day this year, Fortune put together a slideshow of various executives, analysts, fund managers, and disgraced AIG CEOs posing with their one true loves– their dogs. For the big names who missed the deadline to submit photos, fear not– this feature is clearly going to become an annual thing. For those already mentally directing a photoshoot of yourself and Jamie the Younger, maybe running down Park Ave or shooting hoops at the Garden, you might first consider looking to this year’s pioneering efforts for inspiration.

    / Feb 14, 2012 at 12:46 PM
  • News

    Expert: If You Want To Date A Wall Streeter, You’d Better Learn To Read A 10-K ASAP

    Have you always wanted to date a man who works on Wall Street but found […]

    / Feb 8, 2012 at 3:11 PM
  • News

    Going Public? Groupon CEO Has Some Wisdom To Impart

    Mr. Mason, who sometimes posts online videos of himself in his underwear doing yoga or […]

    / Jan 30, 2012 at 8:36 PM
  • News

    Mike Bloomberg: You Can Take Unlimited Bathroom Breaks Or You Can Actually Make Something Of Yourself. Your Call.

    Maybe you’re a first-year analyst at Goldman Sachs who’d like to run the place. Maybe […]

    / Nov 30, 2011 at 6:38 PM
  • News

    Trades Not Workin’ Out For Ya? Area Hedge Fund Manager Will Show You How To Save A Buck

    “I save a small fortune in taxi and subway fares—plus untold hours sitting in traffic […]

    / Nov 21, 2011 at 5:57 PM
  • News

    Think You Might Be Asked About A Horrible Crime With Which You Have But A Tenuous Link Over The Course Of A Job Interview? Penn State Is Here To Help

    From time to time around these parts, we like to offer tips for those looking […]

    / Nov 15, 2011 at 4:01 PM
  • News

    Analyst Who Fears His “Overly Muscular Stature” Won’t Work For Wall Street Seeks Advice

    Earlier this week, a young financial services employee posed a question to the universe about […]

    / Oct 20, 2011 at 11:31 AM
  • News

    Diane Passage Will Boost That Bottom Line Of Yours

    Though she need no introduction, for the uninformed, Diane Passage is a former Scores girl, […]

    / Oct 18, 2011 at 4:34 PM
  • News

    Don’t Let The Whims Of Some Pissant Kid Eat Into Your Profits

    Why do people work on Wall Street? Some do it for the money. Some the […]

    / Oct 7, 2011 at 2:56 PM
  • News

    Judge Semi-Swayed By Former Galleon Group Employee’s Plea For Sentencing Leniency Due To Son’s Slow Start On Crawling

    As previously discussed, Raj Rajaratnam is scheduled to be sentenced next week for his insider […]

    / Oct 7, 2011 at 12:37 PM
  • News

    How To Succeed On Wall Street Without Trying, Like, At All

    As we surely needn’t tell you, when one is a high-powered college student expecting to […]

    / Sep 28, 2011 at 3:36 PM
  • News

    How To Make Your Hedge Fund A Runaway Success, By Alphonse Fletcher Jr. (Part II)

    Remember Alphonse “Buddy” Fletcher Jr.? He’s the veteran of Wall Street who last month laid […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 1:39 PM
  • News

    What Wall Street Can Learn From Serena Williams

    From time to time around these parts, we like to canvas the world outside Wall […]

    / Aug 29, 2011 at 7:06 PM
  • News

    2007 Bonus Levels Are Just One Sharpie Away

    Are you anticipating being having your email shut off, desk cleared out, and greeted with […]

    / Aug 2, 2011 at 11:30 AM
  • News

    Suspend Your Meth Usage On The Trading Floor Until At Least Mid-September

    Toying with the idea of cranking things up a notch at work with a few […]

    / Jul 28, 2011 at 3:39 PM
  • News

    Lady Who Traded On Inside Information Obtained From AshleyMadison.Com Paramours Will Not Do Time

    Remember Donna Murdoch? Her story is a bit complicated but essentially: Murdoch and her husband […]

    / Jul 28, 2011 at 11:49 AM
  • Uncategorized

    Let’s Talk About: CFA Results

    Thirty-nine percent of Level 1 takers and forty-three percent of Level II’ers are likely feeling […]

    / Jul 26, 2011 at 9:49 AM
  • News

    What CEO Wives Can Learn From Wendi Deng: This Is How You Defend Your Man

    As you may have heard, a man attempted to hit Rupert Murdoch in the face […]

    / Jul 19, 2011 at 12:54 PM
  • Banks, News

    How To Rebuild A Bank And Change The World

    Listen up, people. From time to time around these parts we like to offer you […]

    / Jul 13, 2011 at 3:13 PM
  • News

    CNBC Wants To Help Cure Your Hangover

    Not feeling so hot today? Kind of wishing it wasn’t frowned upon to catch a […]

    / Jul 5, 2011 at 4:15 PM
  • News

    Breaking: Being Non-Bathing Prick Not Necessarily Helpful For Career Advancement

    You might think that hygiene habits should be a personal decision left to each staff […]

    / Jun 22, 2011 at 2:53 PM