As America’s lockups have become more crowded, so has the prison-prep industry, a field built for white-collar criminals with the means to pay for lessons on coping with strip searches and with getting along with a tattooed cellmate named Bubba…Patrick Boyce learned the etiquette of incarceration by hiring a convicted fraud artist-turned-prison consultant. Now Mr. Boyce, 42, has become one, too. Among the most important principles of proper prison behavior, he says: Be polite. Don’t butt into conversations, don’t forget to say “excuse me” when you bump into someone, even when it isn’t your fault. Don’t watch TV in another man’s chair. Don’t reach across someone else’s plate at chow time. “That could be immediately answered with a fork in your arm,” says Mr. Boyce, a former stockbroker who completed 11 months in the pen in 2004 and advertises himself as a “federal mitigation specialist.” [WSJ]
Prison Life Not Such A Bad Deal For The Many Who’ve Long Fantasized About A World In Which Sticking A Fork In Someone’s Arm For The Smallest Of Offenses Was Considered ReasonableBy Bess Levin
For Valentine’s Day this year, Fortune put together a slideshow of various executives, analysts, fund managers, and disgraced AIG CEOs posing with their one true loves– their dogs. For the big names who missed the deadline to submit photos, fear not– this feature is clearly going to become an annual thing. For those already mentally directing a photoshoot of yourself and Jamie the Younger, maybe running down Park Ave or shooting hoops at the Garden, you might first consider looking to this year’s pioneering efforts for inspiration.
For instance, in addition to putting your love for each other on display, why not use the opportunity to showcase your credentials, as “Fortune All-Star Analyst” Mike Mayo does here? Read more »
Have you always wanted to date a man who works on Wall Street but found them to be a difficult subset of human to figure out? Today’s your lucky day. CNBC, for some reason, is running an “article” penned by a professional matchmaker on that very issue. Having “spent the better part of 12 years learning all the their habits, their likes and dislikes when it comes to dating,” Samantha Daniels is eminently qualified to offer the tips you need to summit your Everest. Her how-to-guide includes advice like “keep stories short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short,” “be sexy,” “don’t expect him to be romantic,” “don’t get upset if your plans get scheduled by his assistant,” “don’t work on Wall Street” (“Wall Street men tend to be attracted to women who are in industries other than Wall Street”) and:
Learn a little something about the financial markets and notice if something huge happens on a given day, negative or positive. Things like the fact that Facebook is going public is not just financial news, it’s world news and you don’t want to seem clueless if you completely missed something like that. You don’t have to become an expert but at least if you know something you can participate in a conversation with your guy. Additionally, you need to be prepared that the volatility of the markets might make your guy’s mood unpredictable, especially on a day that his personal portfolio went down dramatically.
Obviously this one here is key but it’s not enough. If you’re serious about hunting big game, if you really want to impress him with the extent to which you’ve got your finger on the pulse, you must also: Read more »
Mike Bloomberg: You Can Take Unlimited Bathroom Breaks Or You Can Actually Make Something Of Yourself. Your Call.By Bess Levin
Maybe you’re a first-year analyst at Goldman Sachs who’d like to run the place. Maybe you’re a SAC trader who wants to be the next Steve. Maybe you’re the CEO of JPMorgan, though you’d prefer the title of Mr. Treasury Secretary. Maybe you’re a mega successful hedge fund manager who dreams of breeding dogs and, one day, taking your best dog to Alaska to run and win the Iditorad in record time, with you driving. You’ve all got a dream but the question is, how are you going to make it happen? If you really want to know, Mike Bloomberg will tell you. The first thing you’re gonna do, the Mayor said in an recent interview, is you’re gonna stop being afraid. You’re not going to have a defeatist attitude that causes you to miss out on things. You’re going to seize every day as an opportunity and you’re going to realize that every situation has an upside if you look hard enough. Sayeth Hizzoner:
“You have that drive to look at the bright side. There’s never been a day I haven’t looked forward to going into work- even the days I knew I was going to get beat up, even the day I knew I was going to get fired…I had never been fired before and wondered what it was like-I thought okay, let’s go find out.”
Second, and most importantly, you’re going to put in the time. Now, Mike knows that anyone can spout off vague cliches about working hard and blah, blah, blah. He’s not here to do that. He’s here to tell you to keep your ass glued to that god damn chair and not get up for anything. Not fresh air, not lunch, not to take a leak. Think he’s not speaking literally? Think again! He doesn’t care if you’re about to piss your pants or if you have a family history of kidney failure. You get out of that chair and it’s over. Read more »
“I save a small fortune in taxi and subway fares—plus untold hours sitting in traffic or on a subway platform—by riding my bike everywhere in Manhattan,” Whitney Tilson told the Journal, which estimates you can save “at least $4,000 a year,” in addition to what you spend on the gym, using Tilson’s chosen mode of transport. “Plus, it’s great exercise!” [WSJ]
Think You Might Be Asked About A Horrible Crime With Which You Have But A Tenuous Link Over The Course Of A Job Interview? Penn State Is Here To HelpBy Bess Levin
From time to time around these parts, we like to offer tips for those looking to successfully make the jump from one firm to another. Obviously a solid record of making money for your employer will help but in addition, or perhaps in lieu of that, nailing the first and last interview is key, and whether you’re a college senior, a third year analyst or a 20 year veteran of the industry, the interview is something with which some people still struggle. While eye contact, handshakes and how to discuss your “worst quality” have all been covered, one topic we haven’t yet discussed is what to do in the event the person conducting your session asks for your thoughts on sex abuse. Specifically, the sex abuse scandal that went down at your respective alma mater. Luckily, career services at Penn State is all over it. Read more »
I have a serious question for all of you. I am a rather large man (both in stature and in the pants.) I played D1 football as an offensive lineman. I am currently 6’1, 250lbs. However, I am very lean and at around max 10% body fat. I worry that my overly muscular stature will not bode well with company culture. After leaving an interview, I was told that I have a “vice grip” for a handshake (I received and accepted their offer.) Not to sound conceited, but I have honestly never come across anyone even close to the size I am at the office, or even walking around down town. I was being silly before about the penis size comment, but I am an attractive guy and present myself well. I don’t look even remotely out of shape or fat (some of the shorter muscular guys can look like that in a dress shirt.)
This a clumsily worded post but I suppose my main question is if anyone has witnessed any type of discrimination towards large, muscular guys at the office. Is this something I should be concerned about? I suppose I could loose 10lbs of muscle or so (I’d truly rather not) if it would help me fit in. Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated.