• 18 Oct 2011 at 4:34 PM

Diane Passage Will Boost That Bottom Line Of Yours

Though she need no introduction, for the uninformed, Diane Passage is a former Scores girl, former wife of money manager/convicted Ponzi schemer Kenneth Starr and full-time hustler/life coach. Recently she’s been making the rounds doling out advice to current and would-be Wall Street wives and today offered the women of the world 8 tips for “how to have men eating out of your hand.” What does this have to do with you? While some of her suggestions have little relevance, others can be readily applied to your situation, like repeating the mantra “My presence is a gift- I know my value” come bonus time, remembering it’s your “right to act bitchy on occasion” before going into major negotiations, and, particularly if you work at a Swiss bank “I can create my own outcome and accomplish any goal.” Read more »

Why do people work on Wall Street? Some do it for the money. Some the love of the game. And some to put enough in the bank that they can one day leave the industry and finance their true passion. And, as a comprehensive survey shows, for many, that passion is dolls. Barbie dolls, cabbage patch dolls, celebrity dolls, dolls with creepy painted faces. Whether or not you’re ready to admit that to your colleagues, friends and, most importantly, to yourselves, I don’t care. What I do care about is you remembering all the accumulated wisdom you picked up on Wall Street and applying it to your new gig. And not making the same mistakes at this guy. Read more »

As previously discussed, Raj Rajaratnam is scheduled to be sentenced next week for his insider trading. The prosecution would like the Galleon Group founder to go away for twenty to twenty four years, while the defense would like way, way less time than that and are banking on the judge being swayed by the argument that Raj is in far too fragile a state for such a lengthy stay, owing to “a unique constellation of ailments ravaging his body.” Whether this excuse will work remains to be seen (and the prosecution has already put it out there that they’re calling bull shit) but today we’ve learned that what appears to sort of work, if you’re writing these down for potential future use, is saying that your kid’s less than stellar crawling skills and/or ability to color within the lines precludes you from going away for too long. Read more »

Remember Alphonse “Buddy” Fletcher Jr.? He’s the veteran of Wall Street who last month laid out some tips for making your firm a runaway success. They included making math work for you (Fletcher says his firm has “more than $500 million of assets under management. But it appears to arrive at this figure by counting some assets more than once…A more orthodox way of measuring assets under management would produce a figure of about $200 million for one recent year.”), getting creative with guarantees (“a former Fletcher deputy chief executive…says the use of the term “guarantee” [investors were promised 12%] was “colloquial” and not meant within “the legal definition”) and coloring outside the line when it comes to fulfilling redemption requests. For instance, when the Firefighters’ Retirement System of Louisiana said they wanted some of their cash back, instead of giving it to them, Buddy chose to send promissory notes that promised to pay up within two years.” That response really chapped some hide in Lousiana–and prompted the firefighters to ask for all all of their money back– particularly considering Buddy Boy and Co made a big show of how quickly investors could redeem during their pitch, which someone down south had the foresight to record. Read more »

  • 29 Aug 2011 at 7:06 PM

What Wall Street Can Learn From Serena Williams

From time to time around these parts, we like to canvas the world outside Wall Street to see how they deal with certain issues, particularly those related to crisis management. Often times, there are helpful tips to be borrowed and applied to any pre or post Code Red office situations in which you might find yourselves. For instance, thinking about taking a few minutes to evaluate the attractiveness of your co-workers to the guy or girl who sits next to you? Consider not doing it over the PA system, into a bullhorn, or near a recording device. Love to upload home videos of yourself sucking on a partners’ toes to the internet but value your privacy and/or have a board to answer to that doesn’t want to read about your personal life in the press? Rather than telling the press “this is a personal matter,” don’t return their calls. And in the future, consider 1) investing in one of those machines they use to throw voices (like in Scream) and 2) not letting your face appear on camera or, alternatively, have a mask created in your sworn enemy’s likeness to wear while you are filmed using jello molds in a way they were definitely not intended. Do or say some stuff in public that makes you sound a little nuts, that 10 years ago no one would’ve cared about but in this killjoy day and age would get a lot of panties in a lot of bunches? Lay low for a while and later, if asked about it later by some pissant reporters, tell them you really can’t recall if you told someone “If I could, I’d take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.” Read more »

  • 02 Aug 2011 at 11:30 AM

2007 Bonus Levels Are Just One Sharpie Away

Are you anticipating being having your email shut off, desk cleared out, and greeted with a look of no recognition from your office security guard when you attempt to get into the building any time soon? Or perhaps preparing for a bonus that “entitles you to two free back rubs” from your direct report? Want to take this year’s comp into your own hands by robbing a bank but lent out your disguises to a friend exploring roleplaying? It’s all good. Take a page from this chick’s playabook. Read more »

Toying with the idea of cranking things up a notch at work with a few lines of blow before the open, exploring the affects of Ecstasy on your ability to trade, smoking enough meth to lose your teeth and/or saying fuck it on casual Fridays and rolling in wearing a button down with the sleeves pushed up displaying your track marks for all to see, thereby debunking the stereotype you’re a yuppie asshole? You know we’ll always support you in whatever you do but please strongly consider putting off all of the above until the Fall when you’re less likely to die on the job. Read more »