• 02 Aug 2011 at 11:30 AM

2007 Bonus Levels Are Just One Sharpie Away

Are you anticipating being having your email shut off, desk cleared out, and greeted with a look of no recognition from your office security guard when you attempt to get into the building any time soon? Or perhaps preparing for a bonus that “entitles you to two free back rubs” from your direct report? Want to take this year’s comp into your own hands by robbing a bank but lent out your disguises to a friend exploring roleplaying? It’s all good. Take a page from this chick’s playabook. Read more »

Toying with the idea of cranking things up a notch at work with a few lines of blow before the open, exploring the affects of Ecstasy on your ability to trade, smoking enough meth to lose your teeth and/or saying fuck it on casual Fridays and rolling in wearing a button down with the sleeves pushed up displaying your track marks for all to see, thereby debunking the stereotype you’re a yuppie asshole? You know we’ll always support you in whatever you do but please strongly consider putting off all of the above until the Fall when you’re less likely to die on the job. Read more »

Remember Donna Murdoch? Her story is a bit complicated but essentially: Murdoch and her husband were hard up for some money (they owed $1.45 million on a subprime home mortgage, natch). She decided the best way to tackle the debt was to make some money trading on material non-public information. Getting the tips was easy enough– Murdoch got on where she met an Ernst and Young partner named James Gansman who advised companies doing mergers and was more than happy to give them to her. Only problem was, Big D didn’t have the cash to trade on Gansman’s inside info, so she hopped back on to the adultery site and found another guy who could front the money. That guy was 71 year-old Richard Hansen, who gave her a job at Keystone Equities Group (where he was chairman), plus some of his penis on the side.

Both Murdoch and Hansen traded on Gansman’s tips (neither guy knew about the other, by the by) and while all three faced years in prison, only the men are doing time, on account of Murdoch screwing them yet again. Read more »

  • 26 Jul 2011 at 9:49 AM

Let’s Talk About: CFA Results

Thirty-nine percent of Level 1 takers and forty-three percent of Level II’ers are likely feeling prettay prettay prettay good at the moment, possibly on account of celebratory morning drinks or the realization that the promise land is within reach. The rest of you are probably in not as great a place, on account of having just thrown away the last 4-6 months of your lives. Read more »

As you may have heard, a man attempted to hit Rupert Murdoch in the face with a pie during his hearing before Parliament this morning. It’s unclear what sort of cream the pastry contained (custard, whipped, shaving, man, cow), but apparently some of it “spattered Murdoch,” and the proceedings were adjourned for 10 minutes. The pie-thrower was immediately taken into custody, which probably came as relief as it meant that Rupert’s wife Wendi couldn’t finish him off. Read more »

  • 13 Jul 2011 at 3:13 PM
  • Banks

How To Rebuild A Bank And Change The World

Listen up, people. From time to time around these parts we like to offer you How To Guides, to getting your shit done. Most recently we laid out the steps necessary to getting any bonus you want. Those who followed the instructions were more than pleased with their numbers come D-Day. Those who did not were laughed out of the room. Today’s How To is a bit more next level. On the surface it’s about how to run bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing. But as literally anyone can do that, we’re not going to waste our time. Instead, we’ll be showing you how to take a failing bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing and turn that shit around. It’s the difference between not having anyone to answer to when you decide to put a bronze casting of your balls in the lobby and have a giant-sized rendering of said balls replace those of the bull on Wall Street. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started we’re going to offer a bunch of tips we’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:

1. How to handle the succession plan with the current (and outgoing CEO): As you may or may not even be employed by the firm you’re about to take over, the fact that you’re naming yourself head honcho may come as a shock. Deal with it thusly: walk into his office, inform him you’ve acquired 51% of the company and that as such, “I’m fucking in, and you’re fucking out. Now get the fuck out of my chair.” Read more »

  • 05 Jul 2011 at 4:15 PM

CNBC Wants To Help Cure Your Hangover

Not feeling so hot today? Kind of wishing it wasn’t frowned upon to catch a few winks under your desk or curled up in the stall of the men’s room? Vowing to never again consume the amount of alcohol you did over the past three days, so help you god? CNBC knows it’s not possible for you to lay off the sauce for more than 12 hours but if you’re willing to get real for 1 sec, would like to help. On Worldwide Exchange this morning guest Tina Hedges recommended “prevention” as the best cure for a hangover, which comes in the form of a drink she suggests downing before alcohol called “Mercy,” marketed and sold by her firm. Mercy apparently works its magic through “a propriety blend of amino acids, vitamins and minerals” and is available online. If that doesn’t sound like something you’d be interested, CNBC’s John Carney, who anchor Nicole Lapin billed as “our resident expert of sorts” when it comes to hangovers, offered his his 5-Step Cure, which are as follows: Read more »

You might think that hygiene habits should be a personal decision left to each staff member’s own discretion, but Cohen said that the reach of bad body odor goes beyond the cubicle around you. “It’s engaging in anti-social behavior,” he said. “Not bathing, being unkempt… You have to be very careful, especially if you’re in a client-interfacing role.”… [Additionally] No matter how much you hate your boss or how dumb you think he is, it’s usually career suicide to reveal those sentiments to a higher-up… [And] No one likes a freeloader. If you are the worker who never presents an original thought at work, or you take credit for others’ accomplishments, you’re likely to find yourself out the door. [FINS]