Pack your bags, Timbo. It’s been real. In other good-for-Vickles news, analyst are predicting that Citi will post profits of of a whole nickel per share tomorrow, in which case you can probably expect something like this to go down in the C-suite in about 18 hours. Read more »
Vikram Pandit
A Suggestion For Anyone Looking To Recognize Vikram Pandit For Doing Okay To Fairly Decent Job With Citi
By Bess Levin
Money talks, bull shit walks.
Running Citi for the last two and half years has been, let’s just call it, something of a thankless job for Vikram Pandit. He’s been cut down by fellow CEO’s, on several occasions one analyst in particular has left him bound and gagged on the floor of his office, and the board shit all over his horticulture ideas. Plus, there’s been the matter of the US government coming in and thinking it’s running the place. All in all, Uncle V’s tenure has been no picnic, especially considering the fact that 1) this was not the gig he signed up for (that one being $1 billion to sit around and tell Zoe Cruz jokes) and 2) no one’s even thought to maybe pat him on the back for the place not going out of business, which it almost shockingly did not. So it was nice to see Euromoney name him Banker of The Year, an award they bestowed upon him for doing “a pretty good job” with Citi. You know what would’ve been even nicer? Read more »
The castle-dweller, who Citi got rid of last year after the public got its panties in a bunch over his $100 million bonus and Vikram found himself between a rock and a hard place (that place being the US government’s steel-toed boot, just grazing his rectum), informed clients that the fund did everything right, just not right enough.
“Unfortunately, we did not dodge the onslaught,” Mr. Hall, 59 years old, wrote in a June 1 letter to his investors. “We did reduce risk but not fast enough. We did hedge but not well enough. And we did re-enter some markets that we had exited, prematurely, as it turned out.” His commodities fund posted a decline of more than 10% last month, its weakest month in the last two years, to put it down nearly 10% this year through May, which is behind similar hedge funds. Mr. Hall was bullish as shares of commodity producers and other energy investments declined.
Who's got 2 thumbs, a jolly elfin visage, and can honestly say he loves ya baby?
They may have thrown a banker out on her rockin’ ass for being too damn hot but you know what? Citi has a heart. Whereas other firms will not hesitate to foreclose on people who aren’t even in default and then go the extra mile by stealing the homeowner’s beloved pet, the House of Vikram has decided to show some compassion. They’re pumping the brakes on foreclosing on people in areas close to the little slip up by BP, which you must admit was big of them.
Debrahlee “Too Hot For Citi” Lorenzana Explains Why She Wanted To Be “Tits On A Stick”
By Bess Levin
In this clip of her aforementioned knockers surgery (found by Guest!), she says she pumped them up to meet “a professional, well-educated man.” Ya hear that Vikram? This was for you.
From the mailbag: “2 analysts at Citi were iced. No pics but let’s give them a hand for stepping up to the plate.”
Related: Goldman Sachs Not Only Wall Street Firm To Get In On Icing Phenom
Faster, Vikram wants a pony!
CEO’s No One Gives A Rat’s Ass About Bravely Gave The Finger To 2009′s Compensation Trend
By Bess LevinWells Fargo’s John Stumpf. Travelers Cos’s Jay Fishman. Chubb Corp’s John Finnegan. According to the July issue of Bloomberg Markets, all three men “are defying a trend,” by taking home $21.3 million, $20.6 million, and $19.2 million, while many of their fellow CEO’s dialed it down on payday. Why were they able to take such a stand, in the face of populist outrage, Ken Feinberg and the shouts of random passersby that Wall Street S’s major D? Obviously the answer is that nobody gives a crap about these guys. Read more »
…where they’re engraving flasks, $10/pop. One of Uncle Vik’s many little ideas for up the joint. Read more »
One expert who’s consulted for HSBC and IBM feels day sans clothes is the way to go, noting that “if you get such a huge fear/inhibition out of the way, it will make your team stronger. More open. More honest.” And when one firm in London actually gave it a test drive last year, the reviews were pretty solid.
“It was brilliant. Now that we’ve seen each other naked, there are no barriers,” said the one female employee who went Full Monty told CNBC. “It was emotional but we found we were much more able to talk to each other honestly — and have been since. The company has improved massively.”
You know, just because he’s not as conventionally handsome as Jamie Dimon, or because his slated commencement address didn’t incite as much controversy, or because he didn’t change the life of one university student by whispering sweet nothings in her ear doesn’t mean that Vikram Pandit’s graduation speech at Columbia yesterday wasn’t just as noteworthy as the JPMorgan CEO’s little Syracuse chit-chat on Sunday. It’s because none of the kids he was speaking to took their clothes off during his talk that no one cares. But whatever, you know? No sweat off Uncle Vik’s sack. You snooze you lose, and miss out on the CEO of the Century’s* pearls of wisdom (the delivery of which he purposely scheduled on a random Monday to prove a point that he doesn’t open for Mr. Dimon, who spoke Sunday, and so that everyone would’ve gotten JD out of their system and could give Vickles the attention he deserved but noooooooooo). Read more »
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