Last February, an unnamed Securities and Exchange Commission worker got in a bit of trouble with his employer for checking out a little porn while on the job. The guy made at least 1,800 logged attempts to check out some sites that included www.ladyboyx.com, www.ladyboyjuice.com, www.trannytit.com, and www.anal-sins.com, which, he admitted, “were kind of distraction per se.” But he had a good reason which is that he had a lot of work to do, and it was stressing him out.
Now it seems that the tranny tits were in fact not just “kind of” a distraction, “per se,” but a “huge ass” distraction. In SEC Inspector General David Kotz’s latest semi-annual report, released Monday, it is disclosed that the watchdog is close to wrapping up an investigation into whether or not “a senior-level official” directed staff not to go after red flags in an investment adviser case in order to cover his own hide, which had previously investigated the firm and failed to uncover the fraud, possibly as a result of spending too much time surfing for lady boy juice at work. Continue reading »
So, the London police recently decided they’ve had it with brothels and have started to crack down on the pay-to-lay establishments. Perhaps you heard about their last raid– codename “Operation Monaco”– through the grapevine or because it was your colleague laying there with a ball gag in his mouth while a terrifying woman with a thick Eastern European accent shouted “Administer the testicle clamps!”? Sound familiar? It might if you’re tight with the “35-year-old from Citibank in Canary Wharf” who had been “availing the services of two Polish hookers” when the cops walked in. Continue reading »
A former hedge fund manager was beaten by his wife with a full bottle of wine following an argument this weekend. Susan Van Cook was arrested on Sunday, after Greenwich Hospital notified Rye, N.Y., police that her husband sought treatment for his injuries, which included a bite on the forearm. Joseph Van Cook, who was found to have late-traded mutual fund shares while working at Pritchard Capital Partners, required three staples and several stitches. “It was supposedly a full bottle of wine” Susan Van Cook used to hit her husband in the head, Lt. Joseph Verille of the Rye police told the Journal News.
Police: Hedge Fund Manager Assaulted By Wife With Wine Bottle [FINalternatives]
Steve Mandala is the guy who took Merrill Lynch for $780,000, and with some of the cash, bought himself a red 2006 Ferrari F430 Spider. Prior to joining the bank, he was a broker at Maxim Group who earned about $100,000 annually. He sensed that there was some money to help himself to at Mother Merrill but didn’t think he’d be able to land the gig. So, he lied and told them he was a partner at Maxim, where he managed $300 million in assets and took home $765,000 a year. This probably would not have worked at some other firm, but Merrill was a special, special bank.
“Somehow you got them to hire you because you told them you had big-time clients?” acting state Supreme Court Justice Carol Berkman said to Mandala in court, referring to Merrill Lynch.
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I don’t think I have to tell you that the SEC has been stepping up its game like crazy these last few months. They had a stern talking to with one of their employees about cutting back on his tranny porn surfing time on the job, they busted that “psychic” money manager , and now they’ve reaffirmed their commitment to protecting the capital markets by barring a trader from the industry for accepting car service from a broker he traded with without disclosing the conflict of interest. That’s “bribery” and it ain’t happening on Mary Schapiro’s watch.
They also nailed his buddy to the wall for accepting rent and travel costs for himself, his relatives, and his pet. Continue reading »
Method actors at the boy's department's jackets that love them.
Yesterday we mentioned that thespian, Level III CFA candidate and noted stock picker Shia LaBeouf had been talking up InterOil, an oil and natural gas exploration company. “IOC’s momentum is major, and it will surprise to the upside,” LaBeouf said in a text message to the GQ article’s author, Adam Sachs, who wrote about ShiLa’s new hobby (making it rain all from the comfort of his boxers) for the magazine’s April issue. But where did the master trader get the idea? Sure he meets with Goldman Sachs execs on the reg and is thisclose to becoming a CFA but is he really that good? I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt (he’s going to be running one of the most powerful hedge funds in the world one day so trying to stay on his good side and all that) but others are thinking the budding BSD had some help from his friends at John Thomas Financial (the people who brought you the pride rally and breasts as napkins). Continue reading »
The problem this time around, according to ML? Was that “most of the dicks were stupid.” Stewart’s two cents: “The entire financial market was a bunch of George Costanazas, telling lies they believed.” (And banging their cleaning ladies on the desk, do not forget that.) Also, note the cat-calling for Einhorny from the audience. Nice to see others finally getting on board.
