You’re a hedge fund manager running a Ponzi scheme in Los Angeles. You’re pretty into poker and attend bi-weekly games with various actors who, as it unfortunately turns out, aren’t half bad at cards. The buy-in’s $100,000 but you don’t have the cash. What do you do? If you’re Brad Ruderman you use some client funds to cover it, as well as the money you lose to Spiderman and Co. Continue reading »
was that wrong/should I not have done that/I gotta plead ignorance on this one
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Hedge Funds
Hedge Fund Manager Didn’t Know You’re Not Supposed To Gamble And Lose Investor Money To Tobey Maguire, Paris Hilton’s Sex Tape Partner, Et Al
By Bess LevinGetting out of town for the long weekend? If you’re traveling by plane, perhaps we should take a moment to review a couple of items the FAA is not cool with you stashing in your carry-on. Gulf-clubs. Cattle prods. Regular-sized bottles of shampoo. Gel-type candles. Guns. Yes, guns! It’s pretty wild but they’re still not letting people bring them on planes. If this comes as a shock, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone- it’s a crazy rule one Deutsche banker was unaware of, as well. Continue reading »
Unfounded Rumor Of The Morning: Which Bank’s “Water Guy” Was Arrested For Installing Some Unauthorized Cameras?
By Bess LevinApparently “the guy that delivers water bottles to the trading floor” of a certain bank was escorted out of the building in handcuffs today, for “installing cameras in the men’s bathroom.” That’s all we know at this time. If you have any intel on the situation, or suspect you may have been filmed yourself, do get in touch! Continue reading »
Financial Services Employee Explains Why He Inserted His DNA Into A Colleague’s Water Bottle
By Bess Levin
Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions? He was found guilty yesterday and today, we finally have some clarity on why he did it and how his victim found out.
First off, the discovery of the crime. The first time it happened, MKL’s coworker (identified only as “Tiffany G”) unknowingly took a swig and tasted what she “believed” to be semen but wasn’t sure. “I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said. The second time she decided to test her theory. After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was. Continue reading »
Don't let the smile deceive you-- he's not happy about this.
Time was, if you worked at Citi, one of the “perks” of the job was that you could let loose over email in ways other banks had already put the kibosh on. The big C may not pay the most, it may offer little to no prestige, and it definitely lost some fans when the “no catching a beej on the corporate jet” rule was enforced but inappropriate emails? Oh, that was something employees hung onto with pride. You wanted to have a rousing discussion about the best stall in which to JO&C? The mood struck Vikram to have a back and forth with Prince Alwaleed about a certain naughty hawk? Someone was wondering about the physics behind inserting a whiteboard marker in an underling’s rectum? You found yourself dialoguing about Lenny Dykstra about setting up a time for your call and things suddenly got…weird? That was okay!
No longer. Because someone presumably took things a little too far (best guesses as to who ruined it for everyone welcome), Citi is putting its foot down. As employees have until July 17 to lock it up, we suggest making the most of the next 26 days.
From: Compliance Training
Sent: Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:00 PM
To: Citi Employees
Subject: URGENT TRAINING REQUEST FROM CYNTHIA ARMINE, CHIEF COMPLIANCE OFFICER*** PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS EMAIL ***
Recent headlines involving inappropriate e-mails are an important reminder to “think before writing, read before sending” lessons of the past scandals affecting the financial services business. To this end, employees are required to take a ten minute online training program titled Improper Electronic Communications briefing the do’s and don’ts of electronic communications.
A couple weeks ago a second year Tech analyst at Credit Suisse got drunk, returned to the office, and entered a colleague’s cubicle. Apparently having not been made aware when he was first hired that destruction of company property is frowned upon at this particular bank, here’s what happened next.
From: [redacted at Credit Suisse]
To: IBD TMT Analysts NY; IBD TMT Associates NY
Subject: Bullpen incident over weekendThe attached picture was sent to me by Corporate Services and HR. This is nothing short of embarrassing for our group and something that the Firm takes very seriously. Vandalism of company property will result in disciplinary action leading up to, and including, termination of employment.
We all work in a corporate environment – not a college dorm – if you cannot behave in a professional and respectful manner, you should consider alternative employment.
For the past few years, bonuses at RBS have been what you call not so great (for good reason of course, which is that whatever money the firm had needed to be put towards on-site saunas and sports bars, so just silence yourselves). RBSGC Managing Director James Glover (apparently known to colleagues though not to his face as “G-Love”), was all too aware of the shit bonus situation, particularly the potential scheme to pay employees entirely in RBS debt and if we’re being honest? He didn’t like it. It didn’t jibe with the ski house in Vermont he was building (which some haters claimed was out of his price range) or the money problems he was having in general. So Jim did what any thinking man would do and came up with a plan– help himself to a bonus.
