was that wrong/should I not have done that/I gotta plead ignorance on this one

  • 21 Mar 2012 at 4:34 PM

Who Said It?

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“Each of us does and says things at one point or another in our lives we regret,” [redacted] told TheWrap. “The costume I wore to the fundraiser [in which I appeared in blackface] was one such thing for me.” Read more »

  • 13 Mar 2012 at 3:01 PM

Maybe Accused Insider Trader Timothy McGee Thought Intel Obtained In AA Meetings Got A Free Pass Under Securities Laws?

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Pop quiz: you’re an insider trader looking to score some fresh intel. You’ve exhausted all of your sources and what’s more, you’re sick of just hitting them up for tips– you want to make obtaining material non-public information fun again. You figure the best way to go about that is to identify a target with obvious vulnerabilities that can be exploited for profit (always a good time). Do you a) go with the Danielle Chiesi move (i.e. requesting info post or, better yet, mid-coitus) b) get ordained as a Catholic priest and press penitents for potential market moving news during confession or c) go for broke: start attending AA meetings, become someone’s sponsor and then, when he/she’s confiding in you that the stress of his/her job at a certain company has been driving him/her to down a bottle of vodka every night, move in for the kill? If you’re Timothy J. McGee, C just feels so right. Read more »

Hedge Fund Manager Didn’t Know You’re Not Supposed To Gamble And Lose Investor Money To Tobey Maguire, Paris Hilton’s Sex Tape Partner, Et Al

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You’re a hedge fund manager running a Ponzi scheme in Los Angeles. You’re pretty into poker and attend bi-weekly games with various actors who, as it unfortunately turns out, aren’t half bad at cards. The buy-in’s $100,000 but you don’t have the cash. What do you do? If you’re Brad Ruderman you use some client funds to cover it, as well as the money you lose to Spiderman and Co. Read more »

  • 27 May 2011 at 11:40 AM

Senior Deutsche Bank Employee Didn’t Know You Couldn’t Bring Guns On An Airplane

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Getting out of town for the long weekend? If you’re traveling by plane, perhaps we should take a moment to review a couple of items the FAA is not cool with you stashing in your carry-on. Gulf-clubs. Cattle prods. Regular-sized bottles of shampoo. Gel-type candles. Guns. Yes, guns! It’s pretty wild but they’re still not letting people bring them on planes. If this comes as a shock, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone- it’s a crazy rule one Deutsche banker was unaware of, as well. Read more »

  • 26 Apr 2011 at 10:28 AM

Financial Services Employee Who Inserted His DNA Into A Co-Workers Water Bottle Gets Jail Time

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If you’ve been wondering lately whether or not you’d actually go to jail for putting semen- your own or otherwise- into the water bottle of an unsuspecting coworker, but felt weird about asking and didn’t want to arouse suspicion, wonder no longer. Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions, as well as performing a blind taste test at home using a sample obtained from her fiancee? He pleaded guilty in February and was sentenced last week to time in jail, among other things. Read more »

  • 25 Mar 2011 at 12:09 PM

Unfounded Rumor Of The Morning: Which Bank’s “Water Guy” Was Arrested For Installing Some Unauthorized Cameras?

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Apparently “the guy that delivers water bottles to the trading floor” of a certain bank was escorted out of the building in handcuffs today, for “installing cameras in the men’s bathroom.” That’s all we know at this time. If you have any intel on the situation, or suspect you may have been filmed yourself, do get in touch! Read more »

  • 25 Feb 2011 at 12:31 PM

Financial Services Employee Explains Why He Inserted His DNA Into A Colleague’s Water Bottle

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Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions? He was found guilty yesterday and today, we finally have some clarity on why he did it and how his victim found out.

First off, the discovery of the crime. The first time it happened, MKL’s coworker (identified only as “Tiffany G”) unknowingly took a swig and tasted what she “believed” to be semen but wasn’t sure. “I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said. The second time she decided to test her theory. After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was. Read more »

  • 21 Jun 2010 at 10:37 AM

Citi Stripping Employees Of One Of Handful Of Reasons To Work At Citi

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Don't let the smile deceive you-- he's not happy about this.

Time was, if you worked at Citi, one of the “perks” of the job was that you could let loose over email in ways other banks had already put the kibosh on. The big C may not pay the most, it may offer little to no prestige, and it definitely lost some fans when the “no catching a beej on the corporate jet” rule was enforced but inappropriate emails? Oh, that was something employees hung onto with pride. You wanted to have a rousing discussion about the best stall in which to JO&C? The mood struck Vikram to have a back and forth with Prince Alwaleed about a certain naughty hawk? Someone was wondering about the physics behind inserting a whiteboard marker in an underling’s rectum? You found yourself dialoguing about Lenny Dykstra about setting up a time for your call and things suddenly got…weird? That was okay!

No longer. Because someone presumably took things a little too far (best guesses as to who ruined it for everyone welcome), Citi is putting its foot down. As employees have until July 17 to lock it up, we suggest making the most of the next 26 days.

From: Compliance Training
Sent: Thursday, June 17, 2010 6:00 PM
To: Citi Employees
Subject: URGENT TRAINING REQUEST FROM CYNTHIA ARMINE, CHIEF COMPLIANCE OFFICER

*** PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS EMAIL ***

Recent headlines involving inappropriate e-mails are an important reminder to “think before writing, read before sending” lessons of the past scandals affecting the financial services business. To this end, employees are required to take a ten minute online training program titled Improper Electronic Communications briefing the do’s and don’ts of electronic communications.

Read more »

  • 12 Apr 2010 at 10:15 AM

Area Credit Suisse Employee Chose…Unwisely? (Update)

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A couple weeks ago a second year Tech analyst at Credit Suisse got drunk, returned to the office, and entered a colleague’s cubicle. Apparently having not been made aware when he was first hired that destruction of company property is frowned upon at this particular bank, here’s what happened next.

From: [redacted at Credit Suisse]
To: IBD TMT Analysts NY; IBD TMT Associates NY
Subject: Bullpen incident over weekend

The attached picture was sent to me by Corporate Services and HR. This is nothing short of embarrassing for our group and something that the Firm takes very seriously. Vandalism of company property will result in disciplinary action leading up to, and including, termination of employment.

We all work in a corporate environment – not a college dorm – if you cannot behave in a professional and respectful manner, you should consider alternative employment.

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  • 08 Feb 2010 at 12:31 PM

RBS Employee Fired For Awarding Himself Unauthorized Bonus

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Picture 109.pngFor the past few years, bonuses at RBS have been what you call not so great (for good reason of course, which is that whatever money the firm had needed to be put towards on-site saunas and sports bars, so just silence yourselves). RBSGC Managing Director James Glover (apparently known to colleagues though not to his face as “G-Love”), was all too aware of the shit bonus situation, particularly the potential scheme to pay employees entirely in RBS debt and if we’re being honest? He didn’t like it. It didn’t jibe with the ski house in Vermont he was building (which some haters claimed was out of his price range) or the money problems he was having in general. So Jim did what any thinking man would do and came up with a plan– help himself to a bonus.

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