Wilbur Falcone

  • 22 Nov 2011 at 2:34 PM

You’re Going To Have A Lot Of Time To Run Your Fund When You’re Running It In A Van Down By The River

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When all is said and done, there are two types of people in this world: those who would feel comfortable conducting or taking part in a “business” meeting held in an unmarked van and those who would not. It’s important you know which camp you belong in, because according to the Times, the travelling office is officially a thing.

Steve Kantor admits that he likes to travel in style. He is an affable investment banker, concerned about flaunting his wealth, but he drives around Manhattan in what looks like a simple black delivery van. Of course, most vans do not have chauffeurs, as Mr. Kantor’s has. Or a built-in office, custom installed. “I have two big-screen televisions; I have a couch in the back that goes into a bed,” Mr. Kantor said. “I have four chairs that go back and massage you. It has a desk, a table and an intercom so you can have meetings in there if you want to.”

The most popular model is made by Mercedes: a stripped-down, basic version of the van, the Sprinter, starts at $41,315; Mr. Kantor’s version, which Mercedes-Benz Manhattan arranged to have customized, is fitted with satellite television, a Wi-Fi network and flat-screen monitors, and sells for $189,000. Even that is not quite enough for some New Yorkers, who employ designers to install even pricier custom details that easily drive up the total cost to $500,000…And although the modified Mercedes van is popular in several large cities, Howard Becker, president of Becker Automotive Design in Oxnard, Calif., said New York, with its executives in hedge funds and finance, had become his best market…[some owners request] the installation of a vacuum cleaner so the chauffeur can remove every crumb and grain of sand…the vacuum option could be seen on a recent morning on Park Avenue, when Carmelo Umpierre, a 44-year-old chauffeur, idled the $425,000 van he drives for an executive based in Connecticut.

And these things don’t just appeal to people who are attempting to up the sketch factor of their business dealings by leaps and bounds (“Martin Brass, a 43-year-old former Wall Street executive turned investor…said he simply wanted to “have meetings and presentations in those vehicles”). Apparently 18 years and no pre-nup also means family car/conference room. Continue reading »

Maybe Phil Falcone Had A Good Reason For Waiting To ‘Til The Month Was Almost Over To Report September’s Losses

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He could have been busy putting the finishing touches on Wilbur‘s Halloween costume (he’s going as a slutty butcher** this year). You don’t know. Continue reading »

Confidential To Harbinger Capital Investors: Phil Has Been Working His Ass Off To Find People With An Investment Time Horizon Of Infinity. A Little Gratitude Would Be Nice.

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Pop quiz: you’re a hedge fund manager named Phil Falcone. Your relationship with your investors has been on the downhill since you loaned yourself $113 million from a gated fund in order to pay personal taxes you didn’t set aside enough cash to cover. You apologized after the fact but apparently that wasn’t good enough, because they’d already moved on to freaking out over your decision to tie up much of their capital in a side project building walkie-talkies that might not pan out on account of the growing opinion that it might kill a few people. A bunch of them asked for their money back and although you weren’t really in a place to be offering any cash refunds, in July, you came up with what you thought was a pretty genius alternative plan to offer them, in place of actual money, illiquid LightSquared equity. Great idea, right? You thought so, too, but noooooo, they didn’t like that.

At this juncture, most money managers would’ve said, you don’t like that? Well door number two is the option to go fuck yourself. But not you. Even with everything you’ve got going on, from your pissy investors to getting killed on the walkie-talkies, to the boss riding you, to a prima donna named Wilbur who doesn’t let a day go by without not only letting you know he’s got options but flaunting them in your face, you went back to the drawing board. And there, you came up with something even better. Continue reading »

Next Time You Want To Ask Phil Falcone A Question, Make It One You Don’t Already Know The Answer To

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LightSquared is a wireless venture that seeks to create “convenient connectivity for all.” But, as the careful listeners among us know full well, it stands to do much more. In short, it will make or break backer Harbinger Capital. Success will mean billions for manager Phil Falcone and his investors. Failure will mean Wilbur Falcone going back to where it all began, peddling ZJ’s on the 5:54 Metro North to Greenwich.

As one can expect when one is doing ground-breaking, visionary-esque work, LightSquared has encountered some opposition. The yachting community worries the interference will cause them to get lost at sea. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration says it “may degrade precision services that track hurricanes, guide farmers and help build flood defenses.” Mars is similarly pissed.

The most recent hostility came last week from various parties claiming that the White House pressured certain officials to change their testimony before Congress to favor LightSquared, in order to help the network’s plans to move forward. Now, any and all donations the company’s CEO and Falcone have made to Democratic organizations are being scrutinized. Earlier this morning, Phil told Fox Business that allegations of influence via money sicken him (“People think we’ve made contributions to grease the wheels, that is so wrong, it’s disgusting,”) and this afternoon, took the time to explain the impetus for one donation in particular. Apparently all roads lead back to a woman with many fans round these parts. The First Lady of the hedge fund industry. Her Excellence: Lisa Maria Falcone. Continue reading »

  • 08 Sep 2011 at 11:27 AM

So Harbinger-Backed LightSquared Might Mess With Hurricane Tracking, So What?

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As you know, Harbinger Capital has a big bet going on a wireless company called LightSquared. Should it succeed, Phil Falcone will make billions and his investors will receive the triple digit returns they scored on subprime. Should it fail…it’s an outcome to dire to even think about but will most likely involve the Grammy-award winning Wilbur Falcone being forced to go back to playing Three-card monte in the UBS parking lot just to put food on the table. While LightSquared has so far encountered some opposition (as one often does when one is doing groundbreaking, visionary-esque work), the company has most recently been making the case that its satellite system will be huge for “coordinating enforcement and emergency response teams during natural disasters, like Hurricane Katrina.” According to various US agencies, it’d be the least they could do, as LS might screw up the tracking of future natural disasters.

Philip Falcone’s LightSquared wireless service needs more testing because it may degrade precision services that track hurricanes, guide farmers and help build flood defenses, Congress is being told today. LightSquared’s signals may disrupt precise gear that reads data from the satellite-based global-positioning system, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the Transportation Department and a federal advisory body said in testimony prepared for a hearing by the House science committee.

“We support further testing of LightSquared’s proposal,” Mary Glackin, a deputy under secretary at NOAA, said in the testimony obtained by Bloomberg News before the hearing. Concerns include LightSquared’s potential effect on a satellite system that increases accuracy of hurricane tracking, Glackin said. Options for mitigating interference would be limited because the GPS satellites are in orbit and cannot be modified, she said.

According to LightSquared, Glackin and her friends can go fuck themselves. Continue reading »

  • 29 Jul 2011 at 5:37 PM

Real Housewives Of Wall Street Missing Two Crucial Elements

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Someone who's got some big shoes to fill.

This is not the way we wanted to start the weekend but so be it: the dream of having Lisa Maria Falcone and her Grammy-award winning pig in our living room every week is over. Reality TV show Wall $treet Wives has been cast and our favorite hedge fund wife and her sidekick are nowhere to be found. Yes, we’re still going to give W$W a chance, but we’re not going to be excited about it. The cast list is as follows: Continue reading »