
In fact, they’re reportedly not letting anyone leave the park (all exits have been closed off), unless they’re being arrested. Continue reading »
wtf
Former Morgan Stanley Analyst Framed For Armed Robbery By Boyfriend Now Being Accused Of Setting Him Up
By Bess Levin
Despite the fact that Morgan Stanley beat expectations last quarter, things are still not yet peachy keen again at the bank. Brad Hintz fears it’s going to be years before clients put MS back on speed dial, Blackberry usage is stiflingly curtailed, Dick Bové has dropped hints he’s going to go Fatal Attraction on James Gorman’s ass, and come January John Mack will not be around protect everyone with his Tommy gun. Having said that, MS employees are all in a far better place than one of their former colleagues, who had the misfortune of getting involved with a lunatic who chose the reasonable course of framing her for armed robbery after the relationship soured. Continue reading »
HSBC Analyst Gets Knife Pulled On Him For Going On A Date One Day After Breaking Up With His Girlfriend, Spends Two Months (And Counting) In Jail
By Bess Levin
Toby Carroll is a New Zealand-born real estate analyst for HSBC currently stationed in Dubai. If you’re a colleague in the field currently trying to get in touch with him, you’ll have to wait a bit longer, because he currently in prison. Continue reading »
John Thomas Financial CEO, Defender Of Equal Rights For Wall Street, Most Likely Has Another Issue He’d Like To Address
By Bess Levin
A few weeks ago, John Thomas Financial CEO Thomas Belesis demanded respect for a group of people, the denizens of Wall Street, who, while labeled “different” from the rest of society because of their alternative professions, are still human beings who deserve to be treated fairly. Belesi did so by organizing a rally on his firm’s trading floor attended almost exclusively by the people whose desks are there. He mostly spoke in broad terms, since this was the first event of its kind, and the organizers just wanted to get their name and cause out there. But now, let us get down to specifics. Wall Streeters should not be ashamed of what they do, or try to hide it behind closed doors for fear of judgment or backlash. For instance, before JB started JTF, he worked at place where strippers danced regularly on the trading floor, labia rings were sniffed, breasts were used as napkins, and junior employees mopped up their boss’s jizz. But outside the halls of the firm, no one was allowed to talk about it. And not only that, but people actually got in trouble with the law for this sort of thing! And if you’re Thomas Belesis, you’re probably thinkin’ “that ain’t right.”
Last night we got a piece of devastating news. The Pirate that has stood in the lobby of Pirate Capital’s 800 Connecticut Avenue office in Norwalk has gone missing. That’s right– the mascot who’s been there through it all– through the cockminnow fights on the floor, the trips to PetSmart, the proxy battle tee-shirts, the (spawn of) Michael Bolton years, the (spawn of) Michael Bolton abandonment, the AUM shrinkage, and the Sugar Daddy Days– is no longer. And this got us worried. We hadn’t heard from Tom Hudson and the swashbucklers in quite some time, and despite what we figured were assets under management of about 15-large, and the news that Tommy Boy had literally dug his own grave, we just thought that things would be okay. And then this. Getting rid of a stupid Pirate mascot might not seem like a big deal to some other fund managers but for Tom Hudson and his well known eye-patch fetish, it does not bode well. And it gets worse.
Yesterday we mentioned the harrowing, life-shattering news that Bloomberg had removed the function that allowed you to see how many people were clicking your profile, and checking your shit out, as confirmed by a Help Desk representative. Today, it’s back. Not that we’re not thrilled for those you who enjoy the idea of people watching you, but we’re just wondering why the sudden about face?
