you better check yourself before you wreck yourself

You can make a nice profit but be forewarned: nobody pees on or steals Jamie Dimon’s rugs and gets away with it! Read more »

You’re a hedge fund manager working and living in CT, catching a 7:30 showing of Harry Potter this evening in Stamford. The tickets have been purchased, the seats selected, and the previews about to begin. You tell your wife you need to take a leak and will be back in 5. You clumsily make your way through the aisle, forcing people to turn their legs so you can fit through and get outside. But once there you don’t head toward the bathroom. Because that’s not what you actually excused yourself to do. Oh, you came outside to pull down your pants and relieve yourself alright, but in a totally different way: by shoving a box of Jujubees in them. Read more »

  • 25 Apr 2011 at 3:55 PM

Carl Icahn Gives The Times A Piece Of His Mind

About six weeks back, investor Carl Icahn announced he’d be closing the hedge fund he opened in 2004. The move- and the fact that Icahn is 75 years old- got the Times thinking. Thinking things like 1) Icahn’s getting up there in years and might die soon (as evidenced by the headline “The Raider In The Winter” and 2) That he’d “lost so much money during the financial crisis that he is still a bit shaken by the experience.” Icahn addressed the second point, which he says is false, in a letter to the editor over the weekend. The short version? The Grey Lady can suck it. The slightly longer version: Read more »

  • 07 Mar 2011 at 12:21 PM

Memo To Mitt Romney: Larry Summers Never Forgets

Mitt Romney says that if he runs for president, “I won’t be asking Tim Geithner how the economy works—or Larry Summers how to start a business.” Have you ever talked business strategy with Governor Romney? He was very interested in what Harvard and I could do to help during the time when he was governor of Massachusetts. Are you surprised to hear him attacking your business acumen? No. You shouldn’t work in Washington if you are not prepared to become an object of symbolic attack. My recollection is that in his highly successful business career, Governor Romney did a fair amount of job-destroying at a number of companies that his firm purchased. [Newsweek]

As some of you may know, hedge fund SAC Capital charges fees of 3&50, which are somewhat higher than the industry norm. The firm has been able to “justify” such high charges on account of its historically impressive performance (such as the 73% it returned in 2000) but now, after a year in which SAC only gained 15.85%, some people, like a guy named Donald, are suggesting their “sky-high fees may no longer be tolerated.”

“Investors view Steven Cohen as a money maker, but the market is far more competitive now than it was four years ago,” said Donald Steinbrugge, managing partner at investment consulting firm Agecroft Partners. “And for anyone who has very high fees like SAC, it is going to be very difficult for them to get hired.”Some people would be wrong.

And despite there being no evidence that SAC investors are going anywhere, others have sounded a similar alarm. As these people clearly know not of which they speak but insist on continuing to do so, some truth must be laid on their asses. Read more »

  • 13 Aug 2010 at 10:10 AM

Big Bad Floor Traders Don’t Scare Maria Bartiromo

“I had two things going against me. I was a reporter with a camera and I was a woman,” she says of her early days reporting live from the bedlam of the testosterone-fueled boys’ club on the exchange floor. “One day, I was standing by the General Electric post and there were maybe 25 guys within earshot when one of them who was about three times my age said, ‘Run along, little girl, and don’t come here again.’ I had knots in my stomach. I looked at him and said, ‘Don’t talk to me that way’—and I ran along! But I came back! And I kept coming back. And 20 years later, I’m still there.” [VF]

  • 11 Aug 2010 at 10:30 AM

Charlie Gasparino Has Something To Say

Short version: va fangool. Longer version: Read more »