When Vikram Pandit first joined Citi, he was a happy, smiley Uncle Vik. And why shouldn’t he have been? The bank had just laid out hundreds of millions of dollars to land him and he was thisclose to buying Tony Randall’s apartment. Plus, he’s just always had a sunny disposition.
Despite the fact that that his hedge fund was eventually put out to pasture after its all-too-short two years of (mis)managing money, and a precipitously falling stock price, nothing could get him down. As time went on though, they started to break him. A certain analyst made a habit of hiding in his closet, waiting ’til he fell asleep and then popping out, tying him up and shoving a sock in his mouth. Jamie Dimon called him a “jerk” on a conference call. The government outfitted him with an ankle monitoring bracelet and a boot up the ass. Citi was removed from the Dow. He made a promise not to take more than a $1 salary per year and who knew when the Christ that was going to happen. He was told he couldn’t have a Zen Garden. It was all too much to bear and Vickles had a major case of the sads. He lost weight. And because he lost weight he was forced to close his Tickle a Vickle booth in the office on Park (people don’t wait in line for hours to Tickle an anorexic Vickle). The whole thing was depressing to watch, let alone experience personally and we spent a good deal of time wondering if we’d ever have the old Vik back. It seemed unlikely. Today though? JOYOUS NEWS TO THE CONTRARY.
Some of Mr. Pandit’s most trusted advisers notice a new bounce in his step and say he is more energetic at meetings.
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That’s right ladies, on this day, fifty-three years ago, a little Pandito entered the world. Obviously, Uncle Vik’s been gearing up for this thing since New Year’s (Citi spokesmen won’t say anything, but it’s the reason Vickles was conspicuously absent from yesterday’s panel, not wanting anything to upset him during “birthday week”), and in light of 52 being a tough one, we’ve got to do what we can to make the big 5-3 special. Pony rides? Given. A visit from a special lady, clad in leather, bearing whips and chains? It’s in the works. And I’m thinking, it’s finally the right time. For the Build Vikram A Zen Garden fundraiser. You know it’s all he truly wants, it’s only ten million, and the look on his face, raking that sand, would be all worth it. Other ideas for how we can really pull out all the stops are welcome at this time. The Prince is readying Vikram’s matching linen outfit (matching the horse, not his highness) for a lunchtime ride through the lobby as we speak. Get cracking.
Earlier today it was rumored that Citi had “kicked off week three of a research department hiring binge that has unemployed sell-side analysts partying like its 1999,” starting with the signing of a multi-year, multi-million dollar guaranteed package for a mid-cap software analyst. Some people thought this was outrageous, due to the fact that the alleged money was coming from TARP. We just thought that, if true, it was an outrage that anyone would be getting this kind of contract before Vikram got his Zen Garden. So we were delighted to hear from a Citi spokesman, who assured us it wasn’t true.
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