The I’m Asking You For A Favor Series

  • 05 Mar 2008 at 6:47 AM
  • Fox

The Chance Of A Lifetime

fbn hh.htmWe talk shit about Fox Business all the time, implying that they’re all drunken idiotic sluts but it’s the kind of ridicule that points to something deeper and darker, which is that we’re more or less obsessed with FBN. We cannot get enough of them with their gaffes and their pratfalls and their car wrecks and their discount ‘hos. We are insatiable wantons for Rupert Murdoch’s business channel. “Love…soft as an easy chair…Love…fresh as the morning air…” does not even begin to describe how we feel. Every time Alexis Glick confuses Apple for Abu Dhabi, or Rebecca Gomez embarrasses herself in front of a bunch of prostitutes or Cody Willard’s breast pops out of his red dress, we want to bite them, but in a good way, like you want to bite a baby’s arm. Gnom gnom gnom. So, uh, anyway. It’s always been our dream to inject a little piece of ourselves in our idols, in the same way that, I don’t know, a Mets fan would want to carve his initials into a seat in Shea Stadium, or a porn enthusiast on the bed post featured in Backdoor Sluts 9. But we never actually thought the opportunity would arise. Until ten minutes ago.
We just learned the cost to buy a 30-second spot on FBN runs from $250-$900, depending on when it airs. That’s right, folks– for only slightly more than the total amount Cody managed at his hedge fund, you can achieve Foxtastic glory for 30 seconds to the delight of 6,300 or so of your closest friends. Here’s the rub: While $250 is pequeno dinero, it’s about twice Dealbreaker’s budget and 3x Blarney’s annual take home, so we can’t afford both the ad and the production budget. You idiots are going to have to start manning up and doing your part — I can’t do everything around here. You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox’s ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we’ll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all ‘integrity’ on us. Either way, this shit is about to get heavy.

I’m Asking You For Another Favor

mozilo.jpgWe’re not crazy- we understood full well the tough times that mortgage lender Countrywide has lately fallen on would mean a battening down and tightening of the company belt. We just assumed the streamlining would be contained to firing a ton of employees and screwing a few more people on their home loans, and not impinge on the really important stuff, like flying Ang. Moz.’s leathery goodness around the world in style.
So we were extremely disappointed to hear that the company put its Gulfstream IV on the market, for $21.5 million, which really isn’t that much money when you factor in how sad the sale will make the old crocodile, who’s had some great times in that thing. Making spur of the moment visits to Fresno for the ego boosts derived from thinking about how many people he and his associates fucked in town. Entertaining tanning bed distributers at the cabin bar during the flight to Dubuque, Iowa for their missionary work (if ever there was a population comprised solely of pasty individuals in need of a little “face paint,” as Moz likes to call it, it was in Dubque). Throwing $500,000 in small bills out the window over a cattle ranch in Montana, and making 100 Countrywide staffers pick up and return every last dollar. Shit like that.
And now he’s being involuntarily stripped of these memories, like the chemical peel he so desperately needs but refuses to get. Anyway. I’m not sure there’s anything any of us can do about it, but I just felt you should know. If I’m wrong, and you do have the scratch, there’s contact information for some Countrywide guy named Patrick Johnson who I guess is handling the sale. Give him a buzz in the office at (818) 778-1770, or try him on his cell at (203) 890-2000. This is important.
1990 GULFSTREAM IV [Controller]
* Yeah I know he “said” he wouldn’t use the company plane but we’re talking about Angelo Mozillo here and need to take everything that comes out of his mouth with a giant grain of If I’d screw you for a nickle, you don’t even want to know what I’d do to you for a free ride on the corporate jetTM salt.

I’m Asking You For A Favor

Many of you may have been wondering if the much discussed onshore meeting between DealBreaker readers ’1-2′ and ‘girl’ will actually come to pass. I seem to remember telling you it would so I’m not actually sure why you would have any doubt in your mind, but for the record, the date will be going down (if all goes well). Due to scheduling conflicts (’1-2′ is leaving for the X-games Friday, ‘girl’ is judging a wet Villebrequin contest of the Top 30 Traders under 30 for the rest of the week), you’re going to have to wait approximately ten days to hear about it. But now that we have the luxury of time, there’s something important I need to discuss with you so we can all– ’1-2,’ ‘girl,’ me, DB readers– make this the best date possible. I was trying to come up with an appropriate venue at which to chaperone the event when it hit me– just get a hotel room. This was a great idea on my part, for several reasons. 1. I’m amused by the idea of answering the door and saying “Welcome to your date.” 2. Don’t have to worry about the bar being too loud, and my taperecorder not picking up all the hilarious nuances that are sure to transpire. 3. There’s a TV, in case no one has anything to say to each other. 4. Room to stretch out. 5. If things go well, oh, hey, we’re in a hotel room 6. If things don’t go well, ’1-2′ and ‘girl’ can go their separate ways and I’ll get to stay in a hotel room for a night, which is always fun (like a little vacation, yes?).
I brought this great idea up to our publisher. He didn’t go for it, and gave me a bunch of reasons why not which I wasn’t listening to because I was so blind with rage (he was signing them to me). So what I’m asking you guys to do is take sides. Do you side with killjoy publisher, who says ixnay on the otel room-hay, or with me, who says, yes, let us get that hotel room? And if you do think I’m right, would you be willing to contribute whatever you think would be a reasonable donation to a little thing I like to call The Hotel Room Fund, in exchange for my (fingers crossed) hilarious write up of the night? If enough people get the answer right, I think we should at least be able to do this at the W. If for some reason I can’t even fathom, you think I’m wrong, feel free to leave your suggestions for an alternative venue below.