• UBS

    UBS Takes A $5.1 Billion Write-Down

    If you didn’t get the message from JP Morgan’s $1.5 billion write-down that the carnage on Wall Street is not over, UBS trumpeted it from the Swiss Alps this morning with the announcement that it had written down another $5.1 billion in mortgage loans and other debt instruments. For those keeping track at home, the […]

    / Aug 12, 2008 at 8:43 AM
  • UBS

    Your Tardy Ass Will Not Be Tolerated At UBS
    Fraud, Money Losing Begin Promptly At Nine A.M.

    Ben Lorello, head of UBS Healthcare, has supposedly started taking attendance and “demanded” that everyone, even MDs, be in at 9 a.m. or be marked late (“even one minute late”).

    / Aug 1, 2008 at 11:12 AM
  • UBS

    UBS Banker Helping Feds Nab Tax Dodgers

    We always thought that helping wealthy people avoid taxes was what Swiss banks were supposed to do. But it turns out that the government doesn’t agree. And now they’ve turned one of the Swiss gnomes into an informant. Bradley Birkenfeld, who worked for UBS’s private banking division, is expected to plead guilty at a hearing […]

    / May 30, 2008 at 9:58 AM
  • Auction Rate Securities, UBS

    Tim Flynn: UBS’s ($37 million) Auction-Rate Securities Man

    Most of the $37 million in investments for which UBS agreed to reimburse Massachusetts municipalities last week came from one small office within UBS known as the Flynn Financial Group, named for the group’s head, 42 year old Timothy P. Flynn, the Boston Globe is reporting. Flynn, who grew up in western Massachusetts, has built […]

    / May 19, 2008 at 4:20 PM
  • Layoffs, UBS

    Layoff Watch 08: Round Two Of UBS Cuts

    Another round of layoffs at UBS is underway today, according to a person familiar with the situation. The asset management and wealth management units are said to be on the chopping block. Investment banking is also expecting cuts. Oddly enough, the municipal bond unit, which is reportedly set to be shuttered by UBS, has been […]

    / May 13, 2008 at 9:02 AM
  • UBS

    UBS Chairman Refuses To Leave, Now Ready And Willing To Make This Thing Work

    Despite being told by shareholders in general to hit the bricks and by one in particular (Salvatore Cordello, real name) that he’d turned the bank into a “casino,” Marcel Ospel (proverbially) chained himself to the front door of UBS this morning, where he vowed to remain until this so-called “financial crisis” is over. Ospel also […]

    / Feb 27, 2008 at 12:20 PM
  • UBS

    German Bank Flummoxed By Swiss Bank’s Selfish Ways

    Germany’s HSH Nordbank plans to sue UBS over losses on a $500 million CDO portfolio, accusing Marcel Ospel’s bank of violating fiduciary responsibilities by selling, instead of low risk assets, shitty, high risk ones. The Krauts, crying into their steins, complained that “that the world’s largest asset manager…appears to have condoned actions which benefitted only […]

    / Feb 25, 2008 at 11:52 AM
  • Layoffs, UBS

    UBS Might Fire You, Or Might Not. Depends On How UBS F-ing Feels, K?

    Our favorite Swiss bank lost a ton o’ money and now a few people are saying layoffs are on the way, two of whom are employees hoping a last second admission of boyhood crushes on Adolf will save their asses (it would help if they could get their hands on a copy of a little […]

    / Feb 14, 2008 at 11:51 AM
  • UBS

    This Feels Wrong

    Something’s amiss at UBS. Though the bank was set to pass out bonuses made entirely out of craptastic stock (down 35 percent for the year) and marshmallows today, employees are acting surprisingly calm, almost…too calm. One in wealth management tells us “we’re doing alright…it’s not a bloodbath” and the word from banking and trading is […]

    / Jan 31, 2008 at 4:56 PM
  • parties, UBS

    UBS: We Have Zero Dollars. It Is Time For A Lavish Party.

    One of the reasons we love the Swiss is that they live beyond their means, without apology. While some of the other banks negatively affected by subprime, someone’s drug problem, etc. are scaling back their holiday parties (for instance, Bear is holding its main event at the Sizzler and the plan is to skip out […]

    / Dec 11, 2007 at 2:27 PM
  • UBS

    UBS Adds Investment Bankers In India (Where, How Conveniently, No One Expects To Get Bonuses In The First Place)

    UBS’s investment bank, which is said (by its chief rival) to be worth negative twenty billion dollars and will be awarding neither cash bonuses nor bonuses paid in cases of Mike’s this year, is nearly doubling its staff in India. Though the firm claims that the addition of 80 bankers (bringing the total to 180) […]

    / Dec 7, 2007 at 11:10 AM
  • UBS

    UBS Still Taking It Up The Tailpipe

    You really have to love bonuses paid in nearly worthless currency like, say, the Brazilian Real (not to be confused with other Brazilians, which we are all in favor of), or maybe UBS stock. So are UBS’s investment bankers worthy of the 100 percent stock bonuses they have coming their way next month? Credit Suisse […]

    / Nov 29, 2007 at 4:26 PM
  • continuing education, UBS

    UBS Covers Its Bases, Sends Message That It Will Announce $7.9999999 Billion Writedown

    UBS denied rumors that it will make a fourth-quarter writedown of $8 billion by saying today, “UBS does not expect writedown numbers like those implied in its outlook which means writedown numbers like $8 billion are not expected. [This also means that anything in the range of 7 billion and change, a number not like […]

    / Nov 15, 2007 at 1:08 PM
  • genocide, great ideas, UBS

    Band Of Harvard Students Plan To Shame UBS By Asking Tough Questions At An Information Session About The One Thing UBS Isn’t Ashamed Of, Thinking Twice About Going To Work For The Bank That Hasn’t Yet Offered Them Jobs

    A bunch of Harvard students who think UBS is pro-genocide because it underwrote PetroChina’s listing on the Shanghai stock exchange this past month are taking a stand. They’re going to show up at a recruiting event being held by the Swiss bank tomorrow night at the Faculty Club and “get as much information as possible […]

    / Nov 13, 2007 at 3:27 PM
  • UBS

    UBS = Worst Secret Santas Ever

    So that thing about UBS increasing the stock portion of its bonuses this year, because it has no money? Apparently, not a joke. We’re told this year’s treats will be 50/50 cash/stock, which has got to hurt. Of course, it’s better than no bonus at all, but you know those Nazi sympathizers– always asking for […]

    / Nov 8, 2007 at 5:28 PM
  • UBS

    UBS Too Poor To Award Real Bonuses This Year

    If you’d told me yesterday that there were consequences for losing tons of money, I would’ve said, “Fuck you! Is this your idea of a sick joke?” But apparently? There are. According to DealBook, in one of its many efforts to cut costs following a not so good third quarter, that Swiss bank on Park […]

    / Oct 30, 2007 at 3:21 PM
  • UBS

    UBS’s Triumphant Return To Profitability Will Be Paved By Encouraging Employees To Please, For The Love Of Christ, Do Us A Favor And Print On Both Sides Of The Paper

    Dear Colleagues, As we approach the close of 2007, I would like to take this opportunity to bring your attention to the continued effort around cost control, balance sheet management and overall efficiency. History has shown that the fourth quarter is where we have lost ground and focus on these key initiatives. Therefore, I encourage […]

    / Oct 30, 2007 at 1:12 PM
  • UBS

    UBS Will Not Make An Ass Of You And Me (Shareholders? Maybe)

    UBS announced its first quarterly loss in nearly five years today, rendering frowns on those Nazi-sympathizers’ faces that even a few anti-Semitic jokes couldn’t turn upside down, which means it must be really bad. The “unquestionably disappointing” $720 million net loss, which overshadowed record earnings in the wealth management operation, was blamed on that $4.4 […]

    / Oct 30, 2007 at 11:28 AM
  • Layoffs, Subprime Mortgages, UBS

    UBS Goes The Terribly Unimaginative Route, Fires People Who Were In Charge Of $3.42 billion Write-Down

    UBS has fired David Martin, head of interest-rate trading, following the firm’s first quarterly loss since 1998 due to its major exposure to a few collapsed areas of the bond market. James Stehli, head of the collateralized debt obligation unit, was also told he would no longer be receiving health care. Having lots of practice […]

    / Oct 11, 2007 at 10:34 AM
  • Layoffs, UBS

    Pink Slips For Everyone!
    UBS To Cut 1,500 From Its Investment Bank

    So UBS has said it will shed 1,500 jobs in its investment bankuildup. Early signs of trouble was the news earlier this month that the chairman of European investment banking at UBS was blting to Lazard after more than 30 years with the swiss bank and the sudden, mysterious departure in July of its Chief […]

    / Oct 1, 2007 at 12:06 PM
  • banking culture, UBS

    That UBS Banker: New FOE Heard From

    It has been traditional for quite some time for those leaving investment banks to send an email to their colleagues on the day of their departure. The messages typically follow-up a standard format: announce the departure, wish well to others, praise mentors at the firm, perhaps indicate the next job and provide contact information. They […]

    / Sep 18, 2007 at 12:54 PM
  • Citigroup, UBS

    Tarot Card Reading Says Citi Will Lose $3 Billion, UBS Will Also Have Run of Bad Luck

    Analyst at Sanford C. Bernstein & Co. predicted today that Citigroup may lose between $1.2 billion and $1.5 billion on loans to buyout firms and somewhere in the range of $500 million and $1 billion on subprime mortgages in the third quarter. Could things turn out better—2 billion? Worse—20? Analysts Howard Mason and Michael Howard […]

    / Aug 14, 2007 at 10:35 AM
  • UBS

    What Role Did Christ Play In That Whole Dillon Read Thing?

    Ken Costa, vice-chairman of investment banking at UBS had an epiphany (that he wrote down in his recently published book, God at Work: Living every day with purpose): But then, in a flash, I saw the truth…No bank – Swiss Bank or the Bank of England – would survive the promised return of Christ. Always […]

    / Jul 10, 2007 at 4:31 PM
  • Hedge Funds, UBS

    Dillon Read Undertakers Show Good Enthusiasm

    UBS said yesterday afternoon that it feels up to task of finishing the hack job it started two years ago on Dillon Read Capital Management, its failed hedge fund, within a few months. Huw Jenkins, head of investment banking told investors, “We said the integration could take up to 12 months…from a practical point of […]

    / May 15, 2007 at 8:33 AM
  • Banks, Hedge Funds, UBS

    Dillon Read to Shut Down

    The US subprime market claims another victim. Dillon Read, the hedge fund started by UBS just 2 years ago, is being shut down by the Swiss bank after incurring 150 million francs in losses primarily from the subprime market. Dillon Read Capital Management’s first fund raised $1.3bn in 2006, although there is no word yet […]

    / May 3, 2007 at 8:15 AM
  • Banks, Bear Stearns, Citigroup, Credit Suisse, Deustche Bank, Goldman Sachs, James Dimon, JPMorganChase, Lehman, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley, UBS

    You Are A Dirty, Dirty Bank

    The results of yesterday’s “Which bank has the dirtiest working conditions” poll are in. Some of the results may surprise you, some may not. If you actually read what we wrote about Bear Stearns’s in-house cafeteria and its 42 health-code points violations, for instance, you won’t (or shouldn’t) be surprised to learn that it landed […]

    / Apr 24, 2007 at 1:09 PM
  • UBS

    UBS, For One, Welcomes Our Robot Leaders

    The Journal reports that UBS, toeing the party line, has cut 75% of its NYSE floor staff. Twenty three UBSers were notified that as of today, their presence would no longer be necessary (nine brokers, fourteen assistant/clerks). A spokesman for the firm feigned sympathy, noting that this was a “difficult decision” but not something he […]

    / Mar 30, 2007 at 11:31 AM
  • Private Equity, UBS

    No Mo’ UBS: Ken Quits The Swiss

    As expected, investment banking head Ken Moelis quit UBS yesterday. If a bank wants to be a player in the private equity boom it’s got to be in the lending game. Remember, these “take private” deals used to be better known as “leveraged buyouts” and leverage is finance-speak for “borrowed money.” Private equity firms borrow […]

    / Mar 20, 2007 at 10:40 AM

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