If you didn’t get the message from JP Morgan’s $1.5 billion write-down that the carnage on Wall Street is not over, UBS trumpeted it from the Swiss Alps this morning with the announcement that it had written down another $5.1 billion in mortgage loans and other debt instruments. For those keeping track at home, the global write downs from the credit crisis now amount to around $500 billion.

UBS also said it is backing off plans to integrate its three main business units, wealth management, asset management and investment banking. This move is widely understood as a reaction to pressure from US regulators and lawmakers who have charged the Swiss bank with aiding clients in tax dodges. Giving the units more autonomy may be the first step in spinning them off entirely, a move that might allow UBS to continue its investment banking business in the US if lawmakers continue their chase after its wealth management unit.

UBS Losses Greater Than Expected [New York Times]

Ben Lorello, head of UBS Healthcare, has supposedly started taking attendance and “demanded” that everyone, even MDs, be in at 9 a.m. or be marked late (“even one minute late”).

We always thought that helping wealthy people avoid taxes was what Swiss banks were supposed to do. But it turns out that the government doesn’t agree. And now they’ve turned one of the Swiss gnomes into an informant.

Bradley Birkenfeld, who worked for UBS’s private banking division, is expected to plead guilty at a hearing on June 9th. Specifically, he’ll admit to helping a real-estate mogul evade taxes. Earlier Birkenfeld had pleaded not guilty after he was indicted as part of the US government’s probe into whether UBS helped clients evade taxes.

Birkenfeld guilty plea is probably a signal that he is helping prosecutors identify other UBS customers who hid assets to escape paying taxes. In other news, if you are a UBS client with lots of secret money stashed away in the Alps, you might want to reschedule your New York City shopping trip.

Former UBS Banker to Plead Guilty in U.S. Tax Case [Bloomberg]

Most of the $37 million in investments for which UBS agreed to reimburse Massachusetts municipalities last week came from one small office within UBS known as the Flynn Financial Group, named for the group’s head, 42 year old Timothy P. Flynn, the Boston Globe is reporting.

Flynn, who grew up in western Massachusetts, has built a business of advising small-town local New England governments on investments and cash-mangement.

“He is UBS in Massachusetts,” one local treasurer tells the Globe.

With Flynn acting as an advisor, many local treasurers bought auction-rate securities. After the market for these securities went into deep-freeze, Massachusetts attorney general Martha Coakley argued that the investments were barred under state laws which require localities to invest cash only in the safest investments. Last week, as part of its settlement with the attorney general, UBS agreed that the investments were illegal.

Perhaps surprisingly, the local treasurers are defending the decision to investment in auction rate securities and Flynn’s advice. Some even seem to have understood the market for auction rate securities well-enough to pull out before the auctions began to fail. Others, however, found that their cash was trapped in the suddenly illiquid securities. They may have been misled when UBS labeled the securities “cash management” products.

Tim Flynn couldn’t be reached for comment.

Same broker tied investors to UBS [Boston Globe]

Another round of layoffs at UBS is underway today, according to a person familiar with the situation. The asset management and wealth management units are said to be on the chopping block. Investment banking is also expecting cuts.

Oddly enough, the municipal bond unit, which is reportedly set to be shuttered by UBS, has been asked to “hold on” as the bank attempts to see if there are any buyers for the business, according to our source.

UBS could not immediately be reached for comment on the job cuts.

Despite being told by shareholders in general to hit the bricks and by one in particular (Salvatore Cordello, real name) that he’d turned the bank into a “casino,” Marcel Ospel (proverbially) chained himself to the front door of UBS this morning, where he vowed to remain until this so-called “financial crisis” is over. Ospel also made it clear that he’s not in this to make friends (telling the crowd of 6,500, “Popularity isn’t the benchmark by which I or the board of directors measure our actions”), nor is he in this to make money (“As you probably already know, results aren’t the benchmark by which I or the board of directors measure our actions, either”) a motto the sources in our head tell us he ripped off from Stan O’Neal. Though he chose not to offer any specs on how exactly he plans to put this Swiss bank back together again (we’re hoping for more write-offs, that shit’s adorable), Ospel promised to make sure “UBS gets back on the road to success, right after this rousing game of Trader Face or O-Face.”

UBS Chairman Focuses on Turnaround [WSJ]
Trader Face or O-Face? [Details]

Germany’s HSH Nordbank plans to sue UBS over losses on a $500 million CDO portfolio, accusing Marcel Ospel’s bank of violating fiduciary responsibilities by selling, instead of low risk assets, shitty, high risk ones. The Krauts, crying into their steins, complained that “that the world’s largest asset manager…appears to have condoned actions which benefitted only itself,” which is something that hardly ever happens at these places. On the bright side, UBS shareholders can finally be pleased with management for making a decision that benefitted UBS.

HSH Nordbank sues UBS over exposure to sub-prime danger [Times Online]

Our favorite Swiss bank lost a ton o’ money and now a few people are saying layoffs are on the way, two of whom are employees hoping a last second admission of boyhood crushes on Adolf will save their asses (it would help if they could get their hands on a copy of a little indie porno called “Hitler Sucks,” which actually casts the guy in a pretty flattering light). Another soldier in Marcel Rohner’s employ sees things differently, asking, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but UBS really doesn’t fire anyone (‘cept Jews). I mean look at our losses and layoffs comped to ml, ms, etc.” Love the detached confidence, which should serve him well down at the unemployment office. Either way I think you should a. Keep us abreast of the situation and b. Check out this musical clip, which I think might help thing a little if not a lot.

Something’s amiss at UBS. Though the bank was set to pass out bonuses made entirely out of craptastic stock (down 35 percent for the year) and marshmallows today, employees are acting surprisingly calm, almost…too calm. One in wealth management tells us “we’re doing alright…it’s not a bloodbath” and the word from banking and trading is “it’s not the end of the world.” Is it possible that despite blowing a ton of money on worthless (but pretty!) ice sculptures for the holiday party at the Natural History Museum and losing a few billion dollars the other day, the friends o’ the SS aren’t stiffing all on b’s? We’re skeptical. And we remain unconvinced that no one’s angry enough to pull a Merrill. Are you planning something? Let us know.

One of the reasons we love the Swiss is that they live beyond their means, without apology. While some of the other banks negatively affected by subprime, someone’s drug problem, etc. are scaling back their holiday parties (for instance, Bear is holding its main event at the Sizzler and the plan is to skip out check), UBS is saying “$10 billion and counting writedown be damned, 2007’s winter solstice shall be the grandest of them all.” This year’s wealth management funfest will begin at 7 pm on the evening of the 17th at the Museum of Natural History. Now, I know some of you want to say, “Well, 2006’s party was at Rockefeller Center so, relatively speaking, this is a downgrade,” but you’re wrong. Whale beats tree. It’s that simple. Upgrade. (UBS’s IBD get together is tonight at 583 Park, which isn’t a bad venue for a unit maybe worth negative 22 billion dollars.)

UBS’s investment bank, which is said (by its chief rival) to be worth negative twenty billion dollars and will be awarding neither cash bonuses nor bonuses paid in cases of Mike’s this year, is nearly doubling its staff in India. Though the firm claims that the addition of 80 bankers (bringing the total to 180) has to do with its “desire to remain among the top three investment banks in India,” and to continue “leapfrogging” over rivals, we’re told the additional staff is an attempt to make a dent in the negative $1 million price tag Credit Suisse assigned the firm’s 22,000 employees, if negligibly. Any current UBS workers given the pink slip in the next several weeks, provided UBS makes good on its promise to announce a $7.999 billion writedown, are encouraged to apply, but will in no way be given preference over outsiders. And if you want to go there, UBS India has actually said internally that it hopes to fill the new positions with former Citigroup employees. Anyway, good luck to all the candidates.

Earlier: UBS Still Taking It Up The Tailpipe

UBS Too Poor To Award Real Bonuses This Year

UBS to raise India investment bank staff [Reuters]

You really have to love bonuses paid in nearly worthless currency like, say, the Brazilian Real (not to be confused with other Brazilians, which we are all in favor of), or maybe UBS stock. So are UBS’s investment bankers worthy of the 100 percent stock bonuses they have coming their way next month? Credit Suisse says “Yes.” That is, Credit Suisse uses a cute report littered with ‘Shroom burger stains to point out that UBS’s investment banking unit might have a net worth of negative $20 billion dollars. Since this pegs each of the firm’s 22,000 employees as worth negative $1 million, (before adjustments for ego good will—the Nazi sympathizers love themselves more than any other professionals on the Street, Goldman Sachs included, which is also your answer to why the stalls in the 3rd floor men’s room are always occupied from 1-4 pm) a worthless stock grant seems like a well-priced treat. Some simple math shows that even if every employee pledges to switch from 2 to 1 ply and search for their own flights on Priceline, the bank will not be out of the red ‘til 2015. Goldman Sachs, investment bank Schadenfreude of the highest order, has even more pessimistic ideas about “You and Us.” But then, you knew that before we told you. Check out the bad news here.

Are UBS Bankers in a Sea of Red? [WSJ]

UBS denied rumors that it will make a fourth-quarter writedown of $8 billion by saying today, “UBS does not expect writedown numbers like those implied in its outlook which means writedown numbers like $8 billion are not expected. [This also means that anything in the range of 7 billion and change, a number not like 8 billion because it’s 7, is fair game].” Another possible scenario, according JP Morgan, is a $8 billion writedown broken into bite-sized pieces spread out over several quarters, which several students at Harvard have already told us they find “totally unacceptable” and maybe grounds for a Crimson editorial.

Incidentally: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCprlfJ2Mzc
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UBS CFO says not to expect massive Q4 writedown [Reuters]
Subprime Hits Seem Likely To Keep Coming [WSJ]
UBS May Write Down $1.8 Billion This Quarter, JPMorgan Says [Bloomberg]

A bunch of Harvard students who think UBS is pro-genocide because it underwrote PetroChina’s listing on the Shanghai stock exchange this past month are taking a stand. They’re going to show up at a recruiting event being held by the Swiss bank tomorrow night at the Faculty Club and “get as much information as possible regarding UBS’s complicity in PetroChina’s ties to Sudan” and “rigorously question representatives [on the firm’s] role in securing the Sudanese government’s greatest benefactor such a lucrative deal.” While we encourage subversive demonstrations of any kind, and have in fact been told by sources from within UBS that they plan on giving the kids detailed information, including pie charts, on the various ways in which it is complicit with, nay, in favor of, funding murder, we at DealBreaker can’t help ask—are Harvard students really that dumb?

So that thing about UBS increasing the stock portion of its bonuses this year, because it has no money? Apparently, not a joke. We’re told this year’s treats will be 50/50 cash/stock, which has got to hurt. Of course, it’s better than no bonus at all, but you know those Nazi sympathizers— always asking for more.

If you’d told me yesterday that there were consequences for losing tons of money, I would’ve said, “Fuck you! Is this your idea of a sick joke?” But apparently? There are. According to DealBook, in one of its many efforts to cut costs following a not so good third quarter, that Swiss bank on Park will paying more of its bonuses in the form of UBS stock. Stock which, while it may be declining today, could possibly be worth something tomorrow, but could just as easily be worth even less, if employees fail to keep their eyes on the ball during the fourth quarter, which, historically, they’ve been known to do (not necessarily their faults: there are a lot of good Christmas specials on TV at this time. You’d lose focus, too).

As Bonuses Look Leaner, UBS Takes Stock [DealBook]

Dear Colleagues,

As we approach the close of 2007, I would like to take this opportunity to bring your attention to the continued effort around cost control, balance sheet management and overall efficiency. History has shown that the fourth quarter is where we have lost ground and focus on these key initiatives. Therefore, I encourage you to take all necessary measures to make sure that you don’t take your eyes off the ball and allow end of year cost creep to occur.

Thank you for your attention to this “timely” measure. I appreciate your leadership and partnership in finishing the year on a strong note.

Best,

Michael Weisberg
Global Head Products & Services

UBS announced its first quarterly loss in nearly five years today, rendering frowns on those Nazi-sympathizers’ faces that even a few anti-Semitic jokes couldn’t turn upside down, which means it must be really bad. The “unquestionably disappointing” $720 million net loss, which overshadowed record earnings in the wealth management operation, was blamed on that $4.4 billion writedown due to subprime issues and the fact that no one knew what was going on at the investment bank.

Unfortunately, UBS just recently fired a CEOi—Peter Wuffli—, and can’t very well make the only 4-month old Marcel Rohner the scapegoat in this situation (unless of course they’ve been dared to do so…in which case— watch out, Rohner). Managing expectations of what the bank is capabale of (probably so that it can later be said that they “beat analysts’ expectations” and be rewarded for what, to the naked-eye, looks like just plain failure), UBS commented that “[Although] the fourth quarter has started with good results from all businesses, including the investment bank…UBS is not assuming that the quarter will continue as positively as it has begun or that the current difficulties will be resolved in the short term.”

UBS’ Swiss Miss [NYP]
UBS to launch reporting season with losses and a warning [Times Online]

UBS has fired David Martin, head of interest-rate trading, following the firm’s first quarterly loss since 1998 due to its major exposure to a few collapsed areas of the bond market. James Stehli, head of the collateralized debt obligation unit, was also told he would no longer be receiving health care. Having lots of practice at letting people go—last week investment bank chief exec Huw Jenkins and CFO Clive Standish were shoved out the door, just as president Peter Wuffli was earlier in the year—the layoffs are rumored to have gone quite smoothly. Security was not needed to be called, though Martin, allegedly, did yell, “You motherfuckers aren’t going to get away with this,” as he exited the building.

Subprime Snuffs UBS Execs [New York Post]

So UBS has said it will shed 1,500 jobs in its investment bankuildup. Early signs of trouble was the news earlier this month that the chairman of European investment banking at UBS was blting to Lazard after more than 30 years with the swiss bank and the sudden, mysterious departure in July of its Chief Executive, Peter A. Wuffli. Wuffl has overseen a big expansion of leveraged lending at the bank, something which looked great during the “golden age” of private equity buyouts but now has many banks with morning after regrets.

Next up with job cut announcements: Citi.

Send your pinkslip tips, rumor or speculation to DealBreaker! Tips@dealbreaker.com. Thanks.

Credit crisis strikes UBS, Citi, Credit Suisse [Reuters]