Lies, Damn Lies and Goldman PR

Author:
Publish date:

Bloomberg's Mark Gilbert discovers Goldman Sach's "Day in the Life" series and provides a sampling:

The diaries are penned, allegedly, by junior staffers around the world. So, pinch of salt at the ready, let's join the young masters and mistresses of the universe. Meet Amol, a vice president in Treasury. Amol says he's at his New York desk by 7:30 a.m. He must be a genius speed-reader. While I'm wading through invitations to boost my bedroom performance or help relieve deceased African dictators of their ill-gotten millions, it takes Amol just 15 minutes to sprint through his e-mails and check on the day's news.

Frankly, we think Amol is full of shit. An accurate representation of Amol's day would have started more like this version**:

9:00 AM - Get to work, digest Page Six and Drudgereport

9:06 AM - Wonder if I will ever be on Page Six, and under what circumstances

9:12 AM - Receive call from irate landlord over noise

9:20 AM - Call sorry ass roommate, tell him to turn down stereo

9:30 AM - Ask myself repeatedly, "What'm I supposed to do? What'm I supposed to do?"

9:45 AM - Salvage faint glimmer of what I am supposed to do. Open LBO model from shared drive

10:30 AM - After working on LBO model for 45 minutes, realize this is the wrong one. Narrowly avoid taking over a perfectly innocent Muffin Company.

At Goldman Sachs, Lunch is Still Only for Wimps [Bloomberg]
** The d-nasty archives aren't quite working, so for the full version of that post, click "Continue reading..."

My roommate was recently profiled on the website of a major Investment Bank. There were lies printed. Here, I seek to set the record straight.

6:45 AM - Alarm goes off

7:00 AM - Get out of bed

7:10 AM - Drag my ass to the gym

8:30 AM - Drag my ass back to apartment

8:45 AM - Wake up sorry ass roommate

9:00 AM - Get to work, digest Page Six and Drudgereport

9:06 AM - Wonder if I will ever be on Page Six, and under what circumstances

9:12 AM - Receive call from irate landlord over noise

9:20 AM - Call sorry ass roommate, tell him to turn down stereo

9:30 AM - Ask myself repeatedly, "What'm I supposed to do? What'm I supposed to do?"

9:45 AM - Salvage faint glimmer of what I am supposed to do. Open LBO model from shared drive

10:30 AM - After working on LBO model for 45 minutes, realize this is the wrong one. Narrowly avoid taking over a perfectly innocent Muffin Company.

11:15 AM - Write email to ex girlfriend she is great, and I mean, I don't know yet...

12:30 PM - Break for lunch. Contemplate taking up a smoking habit. Can't find cigarette brand I identify with. Shelve idea.

1:15 PM - Bathroom break. Smuggle a novel into the John. Spend way too much time on job. Become neurotic as someone sits down in stall adjacent. Feel like prisoner on Russian gulag. Leave stall.

1:35 PM - On way out of bathroom, check self out in mirror. Practice various serious expressions in mirror. Throw shoulders back. Admire own tie.

3:00 PM - Lost time. Bang watch hands. They don't go back into place. Look around in awe. Can't figure it out.

3:45 PM - CNN.com. Re-evaluate plans to purchase gas mask.

4:15 PM - Decide against purchasing gas mask in favor of new Gucci loafers. With silver buckles this time.

5:00 PM - Mother calls. Send to Voicemail. Begin referring to mother as Sendtovoicemail.

5:30 PM - Call from client. Working.

6:45 PM - Order dinner. Debate the intricate differences between General Tso's Chicken and Sesame Chicken. There are none.

7:45 PM - Eat dinner, trawl television for Reality TV. Struggle to make witty jokes to impress coworkers.

8:15 PM - Probe nascent gut with hands. Am I getting fat? Can't remember what I used to look like. Can't make comparison. Will just have to wait and find out.

9:00 PM - Exeunt.

Related