Updated:

Jan 14, 2019

Original:

Mar 20, 2006

Trump Has Child; Trump Children Off 25% in Early Morning Trading

Author:

I am working my sources to get this new spawn's name and gender. But whoever and however it turns out to be, this brat will be delighted to read the media coverage of its birth and learn that its father viewed it first and foremost as an expression of virility:
"I continue to stay young, right? I produce children, I stay young," (Trump) said, adding that the couple has not yet decided on a name."
But the youngest Trump's moment of clarity is still a long way off.
It will happen only after the respective winners of The Apprentice realize that prolonged employment with a second-tier developer only exacerbated the feelings of self doubt and loathing that led them to seek it in the first place, then form a quarrelous, multi-tasking death squad to kill The Combed-Over One.
It will happen only after Melania Knauss scandalizes herself and the nation by playing Mary Kay LeTourneau to Maddox Jolie's Vili Fualaau.
It will happen a long time from now.
For Trump's grown children, the pain might be more immediate; if we go by Forbe's estimate of Trump's net worth at $2.7 billion, this little foetus' successful evacuation of a certain Slovakian womb is going to cost Donny, Ivanka and Eric $225 million dollars each.
Beware of half-siblings bearing gifts!
Donald Trump's Wife Gives Birth to a Boy [CBS News]

Mike is my best baseball client. He bets three or four grand a night, spread out over the whole card. He can't possibly win over time. Sadly, such golden geese occasionally shit on the lawn. That's what Mike did Friday, when he called and asked me to give him another bookie's number. Nobody in particular—just anybody's. He wanted a second place to bet. Basically he was sitting at his regular table and asking the Maitre d' where ELSE he should go to dinner. I told him to call me back Saturday. Well, I fumed awhile, then it came to me. Mike had rarely talked to Faithful Assistant. I summoned Faithful Assistant and told him his dreams were about to come true: he was opening his own shop, with exactly one disposable cell phone, and exactly one very good customer. Turns out that wasn't Faithful Assistant's dream. His dream involves some newly single woman with expensive tastes: the weasel told me that if he was going to play this charade it was going to cost me a full 15% of Mike's losses on both phone numbers. I was outraged and we started negotiating and by the time we were done 15% had become 20%. After making a mental note never to negotiate with Faithful Assistant again, I picked up the phone to hire the new book's collection agent. Melody, a good customer's wife, asked me for a job a couple months back. I offered and she accepted this part-time gig as an audition. Mike had his new place to play, Faithful Assistant was angling for a raise to 30%, and I set up a Monday meeting with Melody to tell her how all this would go down. Melody was a quick study. Faithful Assistant was her boss-and-contact and she was supposed to pass by Mike's office every Tuesday afternoon to pay or collect. She wanted to know what to do if Mike didn't have the money. She was disappointed to learn she should do nothing, just call us. I don't think she wanted to break his legs, but I think she wanted to give him a serious telling off, preferably in front of people. Too bad—that's not the way it works. It's a non-issue anyway: Mike pays. Turns out the 20% I'm paying Faithful Assistant is money well spent: he quickly put together that Mike is betting the same teams with both our places. That might be the stupidest piece of betting I've ever laid my eyes on. He calls one number, bets the Yanks, then calls the second number and bets the Yanks again. His second price is almost always worse—how much worse, well, it depends on how greedy we feel. There is no logic to this—he ought to put his whole bet in at the first place he calls, or better yet call both joints for prices and put the bet in at the shop with the better price. (Faithful Assistant is routinely varying prices on the Mike Phone by a penny or two anyway.) The only way Mike's current plan would make sense is if Mike was putting in maximum sized bets and needed to get down two max bets whatever the cost – but that's not happening: Mike's just putting down a few hundred at each place. Aspiring MBA-er Faithful Assistant says that Mike is trying to spread out his “credit risk," so that if one shop goes bust owing him money, he still has the other. Our shenanigans aside, that helps Mike little: If you think your bookie can't pay, don't spread out your risk—just stop calling him and find someone else you're actually comfortable with. It's a bookie joint, not a bank. So we were a little surprised about this but the final shock was Melody's. Melody showed up on Tuesday at Mike's office to pick up $600. She won't have to bother going downtown anymore: She knows “Mike” well: their kids are best friends since they've been neighbors for nine years.

German money, defaults and lawsuits...That's a Trumpian romance.

CLOSE

CLOSE

CLOSE

CLOSE