Blue Shirts Lose

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Here at DealBreaker, we’re not just money-grubbing, scandal-reporting, MovableType-preaching hacks. Sure, we’re all of those things, but, as you may or may not know, we’re also skilled anthropologists the likes of which National Geographic could only hope to one day land. Up until recently, we’d thought that our two loves—exposing Gene Plotkin with his pants down, and exploring uncharted territories/people/things, deep within the brushes of Cameroon—were mutually exclusive. We’d start and end every M-F with a healthy dose of Goldman Gossip, some Itty Bitty Dealbook here and some NYSE-mocking there. On the weekends, we’d pack up the Jeep and set out for Nambia with Angie, for some quality time in the wild. And it was a good. For a while. But lately, it just started feeling as though we were leading double lives, hiding one from the other. Hank* didn’t want to hear about the cheetahs we’d befriended in Botswana, and you can bet the feeling was mutual.** We were exploring this in therapy one day when our analyst, Dr. Alden Cass, came up with a brilliant idea: Nat'l Geo-esque shots of Blue Shirts. Nat'l Geo-esque shots of Blue Shirts! Of course! Why hadn't we thought of that ourselves?
(A photo-essay of our findings, after the jump).


BSs, you likely know, if you’ve ever watched Animal Planet or had a subscription to Nat’l G., comprise one of the most exotic, elusive tribes in the world. Studying them up close would be the chance of a lifetime, it would be like getting to play Bud Fox in a regional production of, well, you know. We’d heard of colleagues (from our other, non-DBreaker life) who’d tried to investigate this rare breed before and had, of course, ultimately failed. So we—along with Dr. Cass—decided that this would be the perfect opportunity. A challenge, if you will, that would appeal to both of our passions.
Our journey began with a trek up Blue Shirt mountain.
The sun was beating down, and it was an arduous hike;
but our excitement could not be dampened: We were about to
see the Blue Shirts!

Once at the summit, we stopped in at a tourist hut.
There, we read some pamphlets on the history of the Blue Shirts.
Fact#1: Many exotic tribes have a firmly entrenched class system;
Blue Shirts are no exception.
BS, Royal(Turnbull and Asser)

BS, Upper Class(Ralph Lauren)

BS, Plebe(BrooksBros; BB is for poor people, people)

We'd begun our search at 6 am, just after sunrise. By 10,
we hadn't seen one Blue Shirt. Then, all of a sudden, the clouds parted, and
we got a lead: a lone feather. We knew there had to be a Blue Shirt nearby.

There! Our first sighting.
Not wanting to scare them away, we hid in the brush.

Then, slowly, quietly, we made our way toward them.
Look how close we got! There are no words to express
how magical this was.

At noon, one of our more husky companion's stomach started
rumbling and it was suggested that we stop at the local Subway for lunch.
But Husky's palate had to wait to be sated, because, as we soon learned, the Blue Shirts got hungry just around this time, too.
BSs hunt, gather and break bread as a unit.
They also eat a similar but inferior type of animal called
the White Shirt. Here, three BSs prepare for a delicious lunch.

After we ate, we decided to explore some backroads, where we were told
Blue Shirts often go to jog and get some exercise.
Look at the wing-span on that one!
They certainly give our cheetas a run for their money.

Fact#2: Though vertically challenged, a Baby Blue Shirt
can grow to up to 200 pounds.

Much like in our culture, Blue Shirts are ageist. After 35, they are stripped
of their skin, and forced to don a colorless uniform, so that they may be easily
identified and properly ridiculed, abused, and kept at an arm's length from mainstream society.
Here, a Blue Shirt has found an elder roaming around
parts of the land that he is prohibited from entering, and must escort him back to his proper place,
making sure to impress upon him that "such behavior is not tolerated."

From the data we've gathered, it appears that when
Blue Shirts get angry, they make faces that would correlate to
a human being saying something like "God! I am SO angry! My
mom laid the wrong shirt out on my bed today; my entire day was ruined!" much
like the one exhibited here. It's important to stay a safe distance from an angry
Blue Shirt. One DealBreaker editor-- well, former editor, now-- got too close and
was ripped to a shocking number of shreds.

Blue Shirts have sensory reflectors that allows them to "feel" other
BSs up to 100 KM away. Once aware that a brother is nigh, a BS will make a
noise that, as humans, we cannot hear, but are told sounds much like coins jingling in a pocket, superimposed on to what apparently translates
to "Ca-caw!" in English. As such, they're often found in packs.

A Blue Shirt will often have up to twelve wives. That's
how many it takes to keep one Blue Shirt occupied, we later read, on Wikipedia.

At this very exclusive Blue Shirt massage parlor, we were denied admittance.

Same deal at this one:

Our last stop: Palace of the Blue Shirts:

King of the Jungle:

*Paulson, to you.
**Cheetahs are actually quite jealous, possessive animals, we’ve come to realize. This one time, we’d just barely gotten the ‘H’ out of our mouths and they were all over us like “You’re always talking about him; I’m sick of him, I never want to hear his name again. You never spend anytime with us anymore. We’re beginning to think we don’t even know you.” Oh, it was an uncomfortably silent car ride home, that night.

Related

Here Is A Woman Protesting Bank Of America, Shirts

Earlier today, we were told that Brian Moynihan's speech at the Citi Financial Services was interrupted by several protesters chanting "bust up Bank of America before it busts up America." One did so running down the aisles, one jumped onto the stage and grabbed the mic from Moynihan, and one "jumped on a table in front of the stage and pulled off her top to show the slogan written across her chest," before being escorted out. Some of, as is your wont, requested photos. Here you go.