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In Retrospect, Everything Ever Said About Jeffrey Epstein Seems Creepy

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If you spend even a few moments reading the probable cause affidavit detailing mysterious money manager Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged penchant for paying naked teenagers to massage him while he, uhm, whacked-off, everything else you read about him starts to seem creepy too.
There’s the now famous line in New York magazine’s profile. You know, the one where Donald Trump is quoted as saying about Epstein, “He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it -- Jeffrey enjoys his social life.” Wow. That's awkward now.
But it doesn’t stop there. One thing that’s clear from the affidavit is that Epstein’s assistant Sarah Kellen is alleged to have played a central role in procuring the high school girls who rubbed him down for a couple of hundred dollars a pop. She's said to have called the girls when Epstein was in town, got them situated in his bedroom and even passed around refreshing beverages for the girls to enjoy.
As it turns out, one of the rare journalism interviews Epstein has given involved his executive assistants. The New York Times story “Working for Top Bosses on Wall St. Has Its Perks” (cough, pimping, cough) is now hidden safely from prying eyes behind the Times Select firewall but DealBreaker has boldy shelled out the Abe Lincoln to bring the story to our readers. After the jump, we bring you the excerpts with emphasis and nasty asides added.

Then there is the case of Jeffrey Epstein who pays his three executive assistants more than $200,000 a year. A financier who manages the money of a small roster of billionaire clients, Mr. Epstein has an unusual philosophy about the utility of his three-woman executive team, which manages his hectic life of globetrotting and hobnobbing with the likes of former President Clinton.

Unusual philosophy? Uhm, yah. Why does even the word “hobnobbing” seem dirty here? Oh, right. Knobbing.

He calls them a ''social prosthesis,'' with an intuitive knowledge of his manifold needs and a 24-hour presence that make them virtually indispensable to his personal and business success.


''They are an extension of my brain,'' said Mr. Epstein, who rarely talks publicly. ''Their intuition is something that I don't have.''

Translation: "They are so effin' good at picking which girls will lube me up while I choke the chicken. You'd be amazed. Totes."

For example, he said, one of the assistants ''can pick up the stresses in one of my trader's voices and put the call right through; that can save me hundreds of thousands of dollars.''

Or, you know, pick up the stress in his own voice, and bring the sixteen year old with the great knockers right up to the bedroom. Allegedly or whatever.

Accordingly, Mr. Epstein, who lives and works on a private island in the Virgin Islands but maintains an office in New York, does not stint in compensating them. In addition to the rich payday, he also ladles on the perks: he maintains a charge account at Frédéric Fekkai, the society hair dresser, for their unlimited use and pays for all food eaten during his lengthy business hours, including takeout from Le Cirque. On trips on his Boeing 727, he frequently takes two of the assistants with him.

Because one assistant can’t really be responsible for procuring enough girls to supply the boss with three “massages” a day.