Here in the Planespotting Room of the DealBreaker Pleasure Palace, we have more important things to tell you, plane-wise, than where assorted individuals actually went while on their assorted planes. So we’re just going to get the housekeeping out of the way up front and report* that Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page recently flew to the former’s hometown of Moscow, because someone had a craving for pelmeni. Not exactly our cup of tea, but we’ve never been ones to yuck other people’s yums. Now that that’s taken care of, let’s talk about this: the latest brouhaha among Brin, Page and their former plane designer, Leslie Jennings. Jennings, 67, a sort of “plane designer to the stars,” was hired in 2005 to gut and renovate the Boeing 767 that Page and Sergey-boy had recently purchased. A B767, by the by, is an extremely large private jet, even for owners of a search engine that takes more hits than Cheech Marin. It can carry up to 180 passengers; it weighs 3x as much as a typical executive plane; and it’s about fifty Tony Robbinses long, and 20 Anna Nicole Smiths wide.
Last year, Mr. Page commented that he and Brin intended to use the plane for personal travel excursions, including taking “large numbers of people to places such as Africa." Mmmkay. Page, the strong, silent type, refused to give any further details of the plane, which have been kept Top Secret, the admission of information being punishable by death. Until now.
If there’s one thing we always say, it’s “Never let a scorned lover get his hands on any internal documents, facts or photos that could cause embarrassment for the scornee.” But, apparently, Page and Brin thought they didn’t have to listen to us, and oh, now, oops, what's that? They’re in a sticky situation that could have been prevented had they heeded the word of the Gospel? Well, now, isn’t that unfortunate. According to the Wall Street Journal, Mr. Jennings’s contract was terminated last October, and oh how the claws have come out. Jennings filed an approximately $200,000 lien on aircraft with the FAA for payment not received; B ‘n P then fought back with a complaint filed in a California Superior Court, alleging that Jennings failed to adequately perform the design work and failed to “closely manage the plane's renovation in line with the contract for $340,000 that he had signed, and various additional expenses.” Jennings says the “allegations are groundless;” he was wrongly fired; he has over 1,200 emails to disprove the claims; and, also, that “They're [Sergey and Brin] intent on seeing whether they can break every bone in my body and drain every cent out of me.” Attorneys for the plane say that making comments about aspects of said aircraft are a violation of a confidentiality agreement that Jennings signed. But what’s a confidentiality agreement to a scorned woman in love? That’s right, nothing. Since the ruckus began, Jennings, the WSJ tells us, has disclosed that the plane was to have a lounge near the front for Google Chief Exec. Eric Schmidt’s use; adjoining staterooms for Brin and Page further back; a large dining area and room for the staff in the rear; and hammocks hung from the ceiling. Jennings also noted that there was a heated dispute between Brin and Page over who should get the California king size bed. According to Jennings, who’s old enough to be B ‘n P’s father, he told the boys, “Sergey, you can have whatever bed you want in your room; Larry, you can have whatever kind of bed you want in your bedroom. Let's move on.”
We recently received an email containing what are apparently additional requests that Jennings did not divulge, written to him by LP and SB.** Why Jennings did not offer these up to the press is unknown, however, we’ve heard that he’s told friends “On some level, I’ll always still love them.” The remaining, in their entirety:
~Life size replicas of us, made entirely out of chocolate.
~An ever-replenishing supply of balloons and water, so that we might throw water balloons down on people, while we are in transit.
~An ice-cream sundae room; it should have all the necessary accoutrements, but NO SPRINKLES. For every sprinkle we find, we shall kill you.
~A dart board in every bathroom—all twelve of them—with Bill Gates’s face. Except instead of darts, there shall be a set of expertly sharpened knives, made from the teeth of saber-tooth tigers.
~Three groups of servants, with each group containing six servers. Each individual in every group will be assigned a letter and a corresponding tee-shirt. In each group, there shall be a ‘G,’ an ‘O,’, another ‘O,’ another 'G,' a 'L' and an ‘E.’ Servers will be referred to by letter, and should have their names legally changed to their respective titles. They must wear their shirts AT ALL TIMES, and, most importantly, should move as a cohesive, ‘GOOGLE’ spelling unit. For every time we see an ‘OOGLE,’ a ‘GLOO,’ or a lone ‘G,’ we shall kill you. We are serious about this—deadly serious.
*In a sort of avant-garde, unconfirmed way