The other day, one of you lovely and doting Planespotting devotees—“Bad Boy” to be exact—left the following comment, in reference to Tuesday’s post, Planespotting: John Thain, Maple Syrup, Sprinkles: The Decided Lack Thereof:
“If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools...that's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.”
And that got us thinking; are there other people out there—you know, celebrities, like us—who live in fear of someone jumping out from behind a parked car when they leave their building and being beaten to death with a well-worn nine-iron (and knowing that afterwards, their names will be crossed off a list—in blood—and red lipstick will be smeared on the lips of the attacker, who, oddly enough, strongly resembles Steve Buscemi)? Surely there must be. Case in point: today’s Planespotees. Ted Turner, Vanessa Minnillo, Paris Hilton, William Clay “Bill” Ford, Jr. All have good reasons to watch their backs. Why they’re recklessly trotting the globe in their Cessnas and their Pipers and their fancy Piper Cherokees, we have no idea. Maybe they’ll heed our warning this time, maybe they won’t. Just don’t come crying to us when you’re staring at the business end of a snug-fitting body bag, T, V, P, F comma Dubs.
Ted Turner: At his own peril, the media mogul recently flew to Half Moon Bay, California, on his Cessna Skylane. We feel this was incredibly foolish because T-bone’s ex-wife, Jane Fonda, has been known to track his whereabouts and could have easily been waiting at the gate for him, to do God knows what. Teddy would’ve been wise to seclude himself in some sort of bomb shelter, north of the Mason-Dixon Line. We strongly encourage all future flight plans to be aborted immediately. Fonda’s troubled childhood clearly nurtured a sadistic side; death is one thing, but we highly doubt TT would be able to withstand a transatlantic trip with Monster-in-Law being played on all ten of the jet’s flat screens. That woman is sick.
Vanessa Minnillo: MTV’s Piper PA-44 Seminole jetted down to Leesburg, VA, this past Sunday. Sure, perhaps it could have been another Viacom employee making use of the company car, but we feel confidant it was none other than Total Request Live’s Prom Queen 2006, ‘Nessa M., on board. And speaking of the fact that the lady in question is the biggest star on the best TV show ever (!), MTV would be remiss to not insist that M’illo be confined to their Times Square studio. Why? Two words: Joe Simpson. Yes, the Simpson Family Dark Overlord has it out for our adorably bi-racial gal. Purportedly*, Josephine—who makes it a habit of being photographed with his eldest child in uncomfortably close poses—is miffed with Vanessa not because she’s dating his daughter’s ex-husband, but because she totally popped the sexual tension bubble that he and Jess had been comfortably living in for the past three years. Now that Nick’s out of the equation, and Joe can “just have her,” the attraction is gone. Total buzz kill, man.
Paris Hilton: Westhampton Beach, NY, on Gulfstream V. #1 Stalker/Would be Attacker (and reason PH ought to hole up in one of daddy’s hotels)? Syphilis. And you know we’re right on this one.
William Clay “Bill” Ford, Jr.: Abilene (TX) Regional, on Piper Cherokee. Biggest threat to bodily harm? Reason he should stop everything (and ground all flights), hide under the bed, and quake in his boots until it’s safe to come out? Ghost of great-grandfather, Henry Ford, back to give grandson the finger and offer, “You are an absolute fucking moron” (and then kick him in the shins and take back all of his $20 birthday checks).
*Purportedly in an unconfirmed way, that is.