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Ask Brock Fantasia: Meet Brock

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[Editor's Note: It has been suggested that we need an advice columnist for DealBreaker, so we went out an found one. Meet Brock Fantasia.]
Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.
After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set.
[Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]
Hi, it’s me, Brock here, with my advice for this week.
How many of you have been in this situation? You’re the go-to guy on a project. You know this because your staffer told you that this project could go “live” at any moment, including weekends. This makes working Friday night fun, because you know that after the client sees that page of tombstones you prepared dating back from 1999, they might realize that they’re dealing with an institution that has been the co-advisor on more $50-$100mm second lien loans to media companies in Europe than all but 4 other banks. Who do you think they’ll sign up with? If you said the 4 other banks in front of us, you must not work here, because if you did you’d realize that you can’t fight the JPMentum! (More after the jump...)

Besides, all your analyst buds at the bank are staffed on live deals, so you know you’re on the verge of something huge. Like, double-staffed with a senior associate in your group huge! What’s that thumping sound? No, it’s not the sound of your fiercest bro Connor putting the smack-down against the Penn Wharton Lantern Society in the Intramural Volleyball League (IVL) quarter-finals of the loser’s bracket, in a game we totally shouldn’t have lost due to that controversial line-call. That sound is the pulse of the financial industry.
So you’re sitting there, just destroying a proprietary accretion/dilution model on a Friday night, waiting to meet your bros in Murray Hill. Now some people say that merely plugging numbers into a proprietary model isn’t really modeling, and I say those people can suck bottom-tier status come bonus time, unless they are interviewing me for a buy-side job, which is usually the case.
Anyway, before you can use lines like, “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put F and U together,” on 17 year-old girls with lower back tattoos from Montclair at The Joshua Tree, you need to find some industry comparables for your client in the IT Services and Software Industry.
Your colleagues are busy, and working extra hard, especially after the morning call from Jamie Dimon congratulating the bank on being the #3 provider of syndicated loans to Latin American companies in all the world. All the world, baby, especially Latin America! It seemed just last quarter that the firm was #4, so you’re feeling a bit light-headed from scaling that icy-peak of market dominance without acclimatizing.
Complacency will not set in, Mr. Dimon, we will work extra hard and we will not be complacent. We will spend that extraneous hour at the bank going line-item by line-item through our cell-phone bills to pinpoint which calls were for banking purposes, saving our client $26.40. That’s $26.40 that Goldman didn’t save for them!
You realize that sending a token blast email with a simple and easy to read list of industry comparables that you need just won’t cut it. That’s why I, Brock Fantasia, like to go that extra mile to ensure that I get the comps I need, and fast. What better way to delineate your comp request from inbox clutter than constructing your request as an Evite? Everyone loves getting an Evite, each more unique and special than the last. With your creative and eye-catching format, analysts are sure to rush back to the office on Friday night before the Visine kicks in on their dates to give you the comps you need.
Let the following serve as a helpful example comp request Evite:
Subject: Brock Fantasia Has Sent You a Evite!
To: [Make sure you include every group in North America]
What: A Comps Party!
Why: Because unless someone helps me out, comps are the only thing I’ll be spreading this weekend
When: Now
Where: 277 Park Avenue, 13th Floor
Yes: (Companies that I need)
Tata Group – I’m usually very private, but it would be good to get some public info out there
Wipro – Will be great to see you all there!
EDS – I can take some time off cutting our American staff to stop by
Accenture – If I’m not still cleaning my image or changing my name
IBM – I’m coming, and I’ll be courting most of you
Infosys – I’m definitely coming if Tata Group and Wipro are going to be there, as I have an Indian fetish
Maybe: (Companies that would be nice to have)
First Data Corp – A shout-out to my boy EDS
Automatic Data Processing – I might send a division or two
Cognizant – I’ll try to make it
Fiserv – I’ll probably be out buying back shares, trying to disguise the fact that operating income keeps decreasing by boosting EPS
No: (Companies that are kind of in the industry but I have no interest in, sexually or otherwise)
Amdocs – I will be in France
IMS Health – I don’t know if I’d really fit in, and I may be specializing in niche service markets
BEA Systems – I’m more of a dedicated software provider, but say “Hi” for me
One firm, one team,
That’s it folks, my blackberry is bound to spring to life soon. It’s only 2:30am and The Joshua Tree is open for another hour and a half! Who’s the big winner?