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Aleksey Vayner: Hey Everyone, Come See How Good I Look!

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[Editor's note: Aleksey still hasn't granted our request to interview him. So we sent DealBreaker travel correspondent Bess Levin deep into Aleksey's brain. This is what she came back with.]
As many of you may very well already know, my adoring fan base has taken to calling me, of late, a douche bag. Being an immigrant who's only offered the (obviously inferior) English language a cursory glance up to this point (see my motto: "Impossible is Nothing." Doesn't even make sense, right? NB, Graydon, you can just copy and paste that into my Proust Questionnaire), I had to defer to on this one and, as per us, things are just as I expected-- you people love me! Lots of talk about "cleansing" and "vaginas" and all good, positive things like that. I've said it before and I'll say it again-- you people love me! As a token of-- I don't want to say gratitude 'cause that's not the right word, but how about this-- my effort to let you suck at the teet of greatness that is me, I’ve cooked up something special. Had a little downtime last night as a result of dance practice being cancelled—I won’t say who’s been slacking but it could be one of two people and it’s not me, hint, hint—and I put together a little photo album for what I anticipate will be your immense pleasure. Enjoy looking at me as much as I always do.

This is me and my friend, Bobby, at Yale. Notice how
I almost completely blend into the background, like that
picture of Zach Braff in Garden State. In other words,
his shirt was the same pattern as the wallpaper,
so it looked like he was a part of the wall, and my
otherwise superior being blends into the
landscape of the most superior academic institution on earth.
Also notice how I'm letting Bobby mount Mt. Greatness,
i.e. me, so, if he's lucky, a little Greatness might rub off on him.
I'm a very generous friend.

This is my sister. She's pretty hot, which is not
surprising as she's related to me. Not as hot
as me but hotter than anyone not related to me.

This is a picture of me playing tennis.
I'd say I'm even better at tennis than I am at
dancing but that would then negate how
amazing a dancer I am. So I'll say this:
I'm equally awesome at tennis and dancing.

This is me and Pete Sampras, after a few rounds.
He's not a bad player. Could stand to work on his
backhand a bit though, I'd venture to say.

Us dancing. Nansi's looking at
a picture of me, for inspiration.
Totally her idea.

Even I'm getting a little sick of
saying this but when I'm right, I'm right:
I look fantastic.
[*Just in case you didn't get it, we made this up.]