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Ask Brock: Brock Fantasia has added you as a friend, so let’s update this profile!

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Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set.

[Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]
It’s been quite a week, with Aleksay Vayner buying YouTube, Aleksay Vayner flying a plane into an Upper East Side apartment and Aleksay Vayner choking Patrick Dempsey on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. I learned most of this info in Aleksay’s 7-page resume and numerous social networking profiles.
Speaking of social networking, the recent $1.65 billion Google acquisition of YouTube, at a multiple of literally a google times trailing EBITDA, has sparked the imaginations and bladders of investors, awash in the frothy latrine of hiked up internet M&A spending. Other investors are worried about the irrational exuberance of this new internet bubble, thinking that perhaps it wasn’t exactly worth $1.65 billion for Google to become the proprietor of a thousand different ways Mentos can be dropped into Diet Coke and OK Go on some treadmills. Maybe the average user of YouTube just wants to jerk off to LonelyGirl15 in peace and not use their free hand to order a Craftsman 155 pc Mechanics toolset online.

The social networking site Facebook has become the primary target for recent speculation regarding the next big internet acquisition. Facebook was started at Harvard in 2004 as a way to electronically aggregate images of both kids who were good at math and girls who had boobies. This seemed like a novel approach to the site’s initial Harvard Computer Science concentration base. However, with its clean user interface and simple functionality, Facebook could not limit the stalking to just Harvard students, and the site quickly spread throughout the Ivy League and eventually to safety schools faster than you can say bacterial meningitis. Facebook did innovate, with more photo functionality than Flick’r, which, to be honest, only really contains pictures of girls on horses, and offered a quaint Orwellian alternative to the completely disorienting sensory and computer resource cocksmack of a MySpace profile.
News Corp bought MySpace for $650 million last year, which MySpace is a bit peeved about because it is now worth $20 billion on a per-Sexyback imbedded profile mp3 valuation model. Google is also looking acquire more stuff. Yahoo, on the other hand, has become the retarded stepchild of internet acquirers, refusing to pony up $2 billion for Ebaum’s World or $1 billion for Feeling a bit neglected, Yahoo has finally decided to get into the game by offering $1 billion for Facebook. With the failure of Yahoo’s current social networking effort, VisageTome, Facebook seems like a perfect completely irrational fit into its garbled mesh of other services. Despite Yahoo’s usage of cheery emoticons, Mark Zuckerberg looked at this $1 billion valuation and totally denied Yahoo’s friendly acquisition request, and poked them instead.
Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, is only 22 years old, and has killed 24 fewer cave-ninjas than Aleksay Vayner. When asked about the $1 billion price tag, Zuckerberg was commented as saying, “I like cheese fries,” as he casually sashayed into the Facebook offices at 11:00am in Adidas sandals and a Hollister baby-t. Despite a monthly traffic decrease of 1.5 million users in September, Zuckerberg isn’t flinching, and apparently holding out for a more robust valuation of $500 billion which he wants half in stock, half in cash, and half in Harvard Crimson Cash placed on his expired student ID. When told that his demands don’t make any sense, Zuckerberg replied, “Arbitrage.” Also in response to these Facebook valuations, the people at Friendster were quoted as saying, “spare change?”
Personally I think Facebook is worth every Wendy’s value meal frosty that can be bought with $1 billion. Heck, if InterActiveCorp can pay $2 billion for AskJeeves, in a transaction they clearly didn’t ask Jeeves about, anything is possible.
Exactly 98.32% of Facebook participants use the site on average 27 hours per day, depending on their refractory period and number of exes. I know my day isn’t complete until I learn that Joe Wankerstein has removed The Killers from his list of favorite bands, because of the crap second album and diminishing indie street-cred returns, and that Katie Cockswagger has changed her relationship status to “It’s complicated.”
I delight in the discovery of a friend request from Skippy Fantasia because we have the same last name, and a subsequent group invitation to “My last name is Fantasia, bitch.” Obviously Skippy doesn’t realize that I can’t join this group because I’m already a member of, “Your last name is Fantasia if…, bitch.”
Waking up in the morning would become infinitely harder if I didn’t have people’s favorite motivational quotes to keep me going, such as:
“Life is a beautiful river where drops of fate careen off the isthmus of our dreams, rippling into a reservoir of happiness and letting our hearts empty into the delta of desires, eroding slowly into the gulf of our passions and condensing into the gale-force winds of friendship, which makes us champions when the game is on the line with our friends never looking back but not regretting the mistakes we made while seizing the day and smiling hand in hand.”
This is always a line inexplicably uttered by someone’s 8th grade cross country coach in response to someone pulling a hammy, and I am better off having heard it, nay, felt it.
Another thing I like about Facebook is its integrity. When Facebook was faced with a potential backlash over the introduction of its mini and news feeds, which pinpoints every minor change a friend makes when you log in, Zuckerberg offered helpful Lamaze techniques to assuage the masses. “Calm down. Breathe. We hear you,” Zuckerberg stated in the Facebook blog, instantly eradicating any members of the “Change Facebook back to normal, bitch” group and spending a week inside a bulletproof hermeneutically sealed bunker in some undisclosed Palo Alto brush. Worse, he was de-friended by 3 people (2 of these had boobies). Yet Zuckerberg boldly took this criticism like a man, and didn’t change anything about either of the two controversial features.
Facebook has become increasingly adamant about limiting false representations, believing that the integrity of social networking hinges on whether or not you can be friends with Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. Unfortunately, this still does not explain the proliferation of people who go “skins” in profile pictures, and aside from scrawny alumni who are blatantly misrepresenting gun-caliber, the internet is full of predators, just waiting to use your shared interest in ornithology to meet in “real time.” To avoid common internet predators, I simply put that I was a 12 year old girl in my MySpace profile. I guess I must be pretty popular, because despite this, my profile has been viewed thousands of times. Until recently, Facebook had no such security measure in place, but after careful deliberation, the site was recently opened to 12 year old girls as a result.
That’s all for now, talk to you again next week!