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Ask Brock: Happy Birthday!

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Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set.

[Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]
Brock Fantasia here, wishing you a happy birthday.
Let me get this right out there; I am frankly sick of birthday parties, especially October birthday parties. It seems like everyone on the planet has an October birthday party. Think about your next three weekends. If there’s a birthday party in there somewhere, then my point is proven. A vice president on my current deal team taught me that brutally efficient method of argument. You don’t convince the 4th largest RLEC in Northern Texas to sign an NDA that may lead to a co-advisory role on a $10 million Term Loan B without learning how to totally finger-blast rhetoric like JPMorgan’s top tier middle-management.

Regarding October birthdays, I don’t know what was in the water during the Reagan administration (answer: Communism) but for some reason a bunch of ex-hippies decided to free something at last around Martin Luther King’s birthday and nine months later, we arrived. Yes, I am an October baby, and my birthday is next Saturday, October 14th.
The only reason I am dropping this 9 days early is because I know that if I tell my staffer about my birthday at least a week in advance, it will slightly mitigate the verbal pounding I will receive for leaving the bank early, at 11:30pm next Saturday for my party. It’s that kind of flexibility that really leaves me gushing about my staffer. My staffer may have a heart of stone, but in that seething caldera of despair that is her torso, or thorax as she sometimes likes to call it, that stone is relatively brittle pumice, and not obsidian set entirely in its dark purposes. It is important to keep your staffer in the loop at all times.
My friend Oscar in the Latin America group for instance, did not let his staffer know 7 days in advance that his parents would die in a tragic Peruvian bus crash, and therefore was not allowed to leave the bank for the funeral. That funeral was in Peru, so it might have well been a vacation, as our staffer astutely pointed out. A member of the JPMorgan corporate family needs no “biological” parents. Jamie Dimon is your daddy and Profit is your mommy, although it’s been rumored that the two have recently separated.
It may be a thankless role, but the staffer is the industrial strength ball-bearing lubricant in the well-oiled machinery of an investment bank, keeping the balls of senior management lubricated by eliminating any friction caused by questioning the sanity of their ideas or why an analyst needs to come back to the bank at 2:00am to print out a color copy of a credentials slide to be couriered to Greenwich at almost $800 away from no cost to the firm. It takes a special person to assume this responsibility, and my staffer is no exception. You need to drape hypocrisy in a special iron curtain to act like an analyst missing 30 minutes of weekend iteration time at a bank to go to the dentist will result in the Russians getting another European country at Yalta, yet buttress your own banking tenure with both ends of a several month paid-maternity leave.
Speaking of my staffer’s current parasite; while I’m not inferring in any way that my staffer is the anti-Christ, I am certain that she will deliver it. Call it a hunch, or maybe it’s the pack of screeching gargoyles circling 277 Park Avenue writing Aramaic curses on the walls in human blood, but something tells me the scourges of the damned are going to reign one thousand years of darkness upon the earth, and that these scourges are going to come from my staffer’s uterus.
Now I’m sure our staffer has convinced everyone at the bank that it’s “normal” for a baby’s horns to appear in a sonogram, or that it’s “standard practice” for an OBGYN to be wearing a goat-skull and a frock lined with the flesh of the wicked, but every time she complains that “Damien’s kicking again,” and simultaneously a kitten’s eyes start to bleed, it is no coincidence. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when atop some ritualistic funeral pyre amidst a flaming pentagram, brimstone and sulfur tongs extract 7.2 lbs. of pure evil from my staffer - and the apocalypse occurs.
If this manages not to happen in the next two weeks then you should come celebrate Dwight Eisenhower and Brock Fantasia’s birthday in commemoration of the day Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier and also to honor the brave knights felled at the Battle of Hastings. October 14th may not be the most important day in the history of the universe, but it certainly is the most important day in the history of this planet.
Ignore the deluge of other invitations from birthday narcissists screaming for attention and free booze just because their mother’s period was 9 months late. Join me, Brock Fantasia, at Joshua Tree on Saturday, October 14th. Here are the details:
Place: Joshua Tree
Date: October 14th
For: Readers, friends, outlying minor acquaintances, mistaken hookups
Time: People with last names beginning in the letters A-M are to arrive at 11:54pm. People with last names beginning in the letters N-Z are to arrive at 11:56pm. People with last names beginning in Theron, Klum, or Bundchen are to arrive at my apartment
Attire: Birthday suits
Party favors provided by:
The only problem with my upcoming birthday party is that I’m still relatively undecided on a theme. Here are some rough concepts I’ve been working on, let me know if you have any suggestions.
Brock Fantasia’s List of Potential Birthday Themes:
1.A Gathering to Celebrate the Anniversary of Being Violently Expelled from a Small Woman’s Naughty Bits in Clinical Lighting
2.Drink on a Birthday for a Cure: FAS Awareness Party
3.Waltz of the Placenta: An Autumnal Birthday Ball
4.A Good Thing Those Hangers Weren’t Made out of Wire Celebration of Life Party
5.The “Let’s Not Do This Again” Abort-a-thon!
6.Ebony and Ovary: Diversity Seminar and Birthday Kegger
7.Thank Goodness for Safe Haven Laws: Requiem for an Adopted Child (Or, A Simple Commemoration of That Day I Was Dropped on the Doorstep Will Suffice)
8.SIDS Survivors United: 6 Billion Babies Strong Birthday Gala
9.What Animal Had Non-Consensual Sex With Your Mom? Daughters of Zeus Coalition Take Back the Night Rally
10.Donor #6734-5A Clearly Wasn’t a Harvard Grad: Coming to Terms with Severe Genetic Deficiencies Party