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Ask Brock: Introducing Element 118

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Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set.

[Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]
Everything’s going to be alright, Brockabye! Brock all up in your jock here, so let’s win this, weekly roundup style.
It was refreshing to know that the Dow Jones has seen Wedding Crashers, as it played a game of “just the tip” with 12,000 this week, entering it “just for a second, just to see how it feels,” only to pull back like a frightened turtle yesterday before closing.
Another thing I learned while waiting at the bank on Friday night for my VP to call and give the go-ahead to include an earning’s call transcript in a public information booklet to leave on a Managing Director’s chair in our Houston office is that not since Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow have Russians and Americans come together to create something as profound as the recently created longer-lasting, minty fresh, lab tested, mother approved, super heavy element with atomic number 118.

I know what it’s like to create mind-boggling newly refinanced entities in my daily activities facilitating a hardcore co-advisory smackdown at JPMorgan, so I can relate. The only question is, now that element 118 has been created, what will it be called? The naming race is on, as well as the bitter international infighting that accompanies such a process. Fortunately, I, Brock Fantasia, have a way to not only put that infighting to bed, but give it a good Hot Carl in the sordid sack of nomenclature. The obvious name for element 118 is Vaynerium. The following reasons why this name is mind-sodomizingly perfect should convince you:
1.Element 118 is the heaviest known element ever constructed in the universe, which narrows the people who can lift this element to Aleksey Vayner
2.Aleksey is from the former Soviet Socialist Republic state of Uzbekistan but lives in the US, a unique synthesis of Russian and American relations, like element 118
3.Element 118 lasts for only a millisecond and shrinks rapidly in size when exposed, comments made by numerous (male and female) suitors of Aleksey Vayner
4.Element 118 is a noble gas, and no one is as nobly full of hot air as Aleksey Vayner
5.Super heavy elements are looking to persist in a neutral state; Aleksey Vayner wants to work for a Swiss bank
6.Noble gasses are inert, and do not readily react with other substances; Aleksey Vayner has obviously not reacted to anything remotely connected to the real world in years
7.Element 118 can serve a tennis ball 140mph
It’s clearly no coincidence that the emergence of Vayner and element 118 occurred at the same time, although Vayner has surpassed expectations by subsisting for approximately fifteen minutes. In fact, I’m going to go a step further and say it; Aleksey Vayner is element 118, which is 113 more elements than Bruce Willis, as Aleksey is soon to tell you in a follow-up video. Of course, this video builds to a stirring climax in which Aleksey fights aliens with dual retractable laser whips on the nose of the Sphinx that Aleksey quickly fashions out of stone he quarries himself that is the most geologically conducive to his defensive stance, adhering the massive slab to the ancient structure using his own brawn and rare secrets of masonry that can only be seen for a limited time on the director’s cut of Aleksey’s updated resume. Of course the person performing these feats is in a mask, and is sometimes even a crude stick figure, but then again, so was the person doing a helicopter-jump in Aleksey’s first video.
Despite my idea to name element 118 Vaynerium, I’m not sure if scientists will give the suggestion the attention it knows and deserves. Naming things is a lost art, as giving things fun and appropriate names can really enhance dealings with these things, by causing you to giggle like a schoolgirl when anyone pronounces them. In the field of nomenclature, no one deserves more credit than the people who named the blue-footed booby, the horned nudibranch, the conch, the Planet Uranus, the humpback whale, the naughtily-voluptuous paramecium and the bottle-schlonged mole rat. These comic geniuses have been anonymous for too long, although Dickens gets immediate credit for referring to Charles Bates as “Master” throughout Oliver Twist, which almost made it bearable to endure one’s voice cracking in 7th grade to ask a question about.
In other jailed celebrity news Wesley Snipes is going to have to tell people to always bet on bright orange as Cellmate 57. Either that or there are vampires in jail. Vampires who can only jump as high as white men to avoid the rising sun, giving U.S. Marshals a reason not to reach the boiling point often attained during a bad case of jungle fever or when a demolition man takes a money train from new jack city to your drop zone to commit a murder at 1600. Mo’ Better Blues.
In other extra-terrestrial news, a rare and large meteorite was found by sophisticated metal detectors in a field of wheat in Kansas, causing several over-excited researchers to instantly turn the field into cream of wheat. The meteorite was found in Greensburg, Kansas. Greensburg, which translates to “Smallville” in Hebrew, has been fostering Kryptonian ubermenschen for decades, and now we have proof. Do you know how many freakishly good accountants have come from Greensburg?
Initially, the researchers detected what they thought was the largest pallasite meteorite ever discovered, only to find out that they had unearthed a steel cable. It’s comforting to know that the experience of beach dwellers with questionable mental conformity and scientists in Kansas is similar. Metal detectors will often forego that lucrative buried treasure for a McDonald’s McLean wrapper from 1993, which is almost as foreign to the earth as a meteor and probably more responsible for a K-T type event at the nearest commode.
In other celebrities damaging expensive paintings news, casino magnate Steve Wynn poked a hole in Picasso’s Le Reve, in an attempt to wake up Picasso’s mistress, who was peacefully dreaming of how annoying it is to have eyeballs strangely pasted to the side of your head or why the Mademoiselles d’Avignon never extend a lunch invitation. You’d figure at least Pablo could have painted an extra guitar in the foreground to pass the time, if only to shut up Guitar Woman by finally showing her the opening of Stairway to Heaven.
Wynn has a rare condition called retinitis pigmentosa, which renders subjects unable to tell the difference from painting and reality. Wynn has lost a fortune in similar painting mishaps. Wynn has tried to finger-blast Manet’s Olympia, urinate in Duchamp’s Fountain, re-heat Warhol’s Campbell’s Soup Can and rape Europa in Titian’s painting. In fact, Wynn is convinced that in one wing of his casino, Caravaggio’s Cardsharps are locked in a perpetual duel with many of C.M. Coolidge’s dogs playing poker. Wynn is no better with sculpture, as he has on numerous occasions tried to tap-off Michelangelo’s David, give a “pound” to the Borghese Gladiator and has placed a stocking hat on Rodin’s Thinker which Wynn affectionately calls a “thinking cap.”
That’s all the news you can use. More at 11, this is Brock, signing off.