The Full Aleksey Vayner Treatment

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We tried to leave young Aleksey Vayner behind but America demands more. This morning he was featured on the Today show, which showed clips of his now infamous "Impossible Is Nothing" video (accompanied by some misleading reporting about how the story spread) at about quarter to eight. Except for Matt Lauer, the cast of the today show—Al Roker and whoever those women are—felt a bit bad for Aleksey. Lauer, who has appeared in more than his own share of embarrassing video moments, obviously thought that there were more than enough troubles in the world for us to start worrying about some kid hopped-up on motivational speaking and his own sense of self-worth.
Anyway, after the jump, you can read a letter we’ve been told is Aleksey’s solicitation to potential “patients” who might want to avail themselves of his expertise in eastern medicine.
[Just discovered the internets and no idea who Aleksey Vayner is? Check out our exclusive Aleksey Vayner archive for more information.]

Thank you for recommending your injured teammates to see me. I am very
happy to use eastern medicine to facilitate quicker recoveries from
injury. As I’ve been bombarded with questions and requests for
sessions, few things came up that I want to clarify. While massages and
preventative sessions are pretty straight-forward, injuries (especially
serious or chronic ones) require specific attention ahead of time so
that none of us waste our time. The following information can be used
as reference or forwarded to whom you logistically see fit.
1)Certification and Liability:
I am not certified in any Western sense of the word, neither in Chinese
medicine, Tui-Na, Shaolin trauma medicine, nor in acupuncture, all of
which I practice extensively never-the-less. By means of scheduling
time to see me for a massage or injury-related treatment the
student-athlete relieves me of any and all liability, malpractice or
any other bs that one can possibly sue someone else for in US.
2)Qualifications:
My training in Chinese medicine, Shaolin medicine, Zhen Gui Tui Na and
acupuncture began, and are rooted in martial arts training. As a
lineage disciple of a Tibetan Buddhist Sect under the homage of the
Dalai Lama, I began training daily at the age of 4. Over the last 17
years I became a grandmaster in two martial arts styles and an 8th dan
black belt in a third. In December ‘05 I finished 6th in the world
martial arts championships, where one’s skill in eastern medicine is
heavily tested. In terms of medical skill, closed martial lineages
believe that you are only as good a fighter as you are a healer, and
are a worthless fighter if you can’t fix the injuries you inflict. In
United States I have audited a year of medical school at Columbia
University as a senior in high school. My other exposure to western
medicine is through my brother who is the head of pediatrics at
Columbian Presbyterian hospital in NYC.
I’ve apprenticed under Dr. Yeshi Dhonden (personal physician of the
Dalai Lama), Dr. Fu Zhang (voted best Chinese herbalist in NY state
last 3 years), and Dr. Tom Bisio, who is a world-renown martial arts
champion (undefeated for many years in several styles) and is my direct
master. I specialize in problems of muscular-skeletal nature- that
includes over-training, muscle tightness/spasms, inflammations, torn
muscles/tendons/cartilages, dislocated/miss-aligned joints,
bulging/prolapsed/dislocated/torn disks, and of course bone-setting.
3) “Can You Treat Me” I hear this few times per day. Read and
qualify the person you would like me to treat:
1. I will not treat a smoker.
2. I can see a person for few minutes to outline course of action; if I
can’t help them recover from an injury I will say so right away;
there are cases I can’t treat.
3. If the person is late more than once, I’ll not treat them again.
Please understand that I am busy, and respect my time.
4. I reserve the right reject absolutely anyone; I am usually too busy
to treat everyone, so I must prioritize.
5. Accept this = A person being treated must understand that they are
responsible for their recovery, not I. Recovery from an injury takes
time, and will require multiple sessions. Is the person really serious
about getting healthy quickly and will do anything it takes to get
better? If I am working with someone (especially seriously injured), I
expect them to do EVERYTHING I tell them to do, not just the things
they like. Over the course of treatment these requests are very likely
to include no training on the day of the session, not doing the type of
training they are doing now, minimizing alcohol consumption,
taking/drinking certain herbal formulas, doing herbal
soaks/compresses/bandages on an injured area, doing specific internal
martial arts forms designed to increase energy and facilitate healing,
doing exercises I provide, staying really warm, dry and hydrated all
the time, writing a diary of how exactly the injury occurred as well as
all the training, daily food and water intake. IF the injured person
cannot commit to doing this, they really should not bother coming to
see me.
3) Why do I treat when I am swamped with work?
It is quite a trick to treat people when I am taking 9 classes and
running a business, no question about it. Upon returning from world
martial arts championships in China this passed December I retired from
professional martial arts. I needed a new world-level project, and I
decided to become one of the best in the world in treating
muscular-skeletal adjustments with eastern medicine; for this, I need
regular practice and clientele.
4)Where/How Much/When?
I treat at my apartment at [Redacted]. Walk up [Redacted] street
and turn left on [Redacted] as if going towards [Redacted] bar. My place is the
first residential building on your left-hand side. I treat here because
the location is impeccably clean, has a massage table and all the
liniments and herbal formulas that I may need.
Each session for Undergraduate Yale Athletes Only is $50 dollars, which
lasts on average of 1 hour and 20/30 minutes. In perspective, to set up
an appointment with me in NYC acupuncture office costs $150 per hour
flat.
Unless it’s a fresh devastating injury (which you can call me with
24/7 and I’ll treat right away), I need at least a 5 day advanced
notice for all sessions.

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