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Wall Street Warriors, Episode 4: Postmortem

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If you’re like me, you were—are—pretty miffed about the fact that INHD didn’t air an episode of Wall Street Warriors last Sunday. Really got your goat/stripped your floors/frosted your cookies, am I right? Whoever over at that network thought it was okay to get us hooked on the fishscale of reality TV and then pull it out from under us is obviously some sort sick sadist who moonlights as a tobacco lobbyist and would lace an infant’s mashed peas with nicotine if it meant he could make a buck off that kid when it started walking, talking and buying cigarettes. That’s the kind of person we’re dealing with. Sorry I had to go to extremes there but I’m not sorry because this kind of malarkey happens all the time and what’s the worst they can do to me? Cancel my INHD subscription? Nice try but threats like that don’t exactly scare Bess Levin because she doesn’t have a subscription to INHD. And if you wanted to hurt me like that you’d have to cancel my friend’s subscription which would sting a little bit but in the long run would be outweighed by the fact that he’s actually really cheap and would probably be a lot more pleasant if it meant he could quit hatching schemes to convince his roommates the “extra channels really aren’t worth it, if you guys think about it.” (What would actually do some damage would be if you canceled it, say, one or two days into December and then didn’t prorate the month. But you didn’t hear that from me).
Clearly, I’m upset. But I’m going to put my fury aside for a moment because episode four of Wall Street Warriors was without exaggeration the best one ever. How the producers are going to keep you and I hooked for the rest of the season after shooting their wad on this one, I have no idea but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. And here’s the genius part: the first 22 minutes of the show are excruciatingly dull, while the last three are like the t-shirt an acquaintance gave me a few years ago that says 'Levin' on the back in a sort of sports jersey vein and 'not kosher for Passover’ on the front— hilariousreally funny mildly amusing. Just kidding!-- the last three minutes are hilarious (thoughts on the first 22 remain as is). As an homage to the Mensa candidates behind this show, I’m going to fast forward through the aforementioned dull parts—as I assume they intended for me to do—and get down to the good stuff. Here’s a preview of the hilarity that will ensue—Tim Sykes on a date with what’s in all probability an of-age-girl: “That right there, is my frequent karaoke card. Look at that, look how many stamps I’ve gotten. This is my late night place. Most guys bring girls back to their houses, I bring them to karaoke.”

Minutes 0-22:
+While out for a jog, Sykes informs, “I’m going to be drinking all day with my friend, Ed. So it’ll be some drunken golf and then I have a date with this beautiful model so, it’s a big day for me.” Ed, while cute and adorably roly-poly in his own right, will contribute nothing whatsoever to this “big day.” Here’s a good litmus test for this episode—does it happen in the last three minutes? If your answer is ‘no,’ we don’t care.
+Guy de Chimay managed to escape for a nice weekend in the Hamptons. He congratulates himself and his colleagues for being masters of the universe and thinks that, “The Wall Street guys have really helped make this [the Hamptons] place what it is.” We won’t disagree with him there.
+Sandra Navidi—Our Girl Sandy—spends her summer weekends primarily in the Hamptons. A skilled horseback rider, she’s—get this—never played polo. A friend of hers who thinks polo is “so much fun” that he came back from “Scotland, Berlin and Paris” to play this weekend, mugs for the camera and offers, “We’ll teach her how to ride a little bit” only to be shot down by Force to Be Reckoned With Sandy, who notifies, “I know how to ride.” She mounts Steve—her pony—and gallops off.
+Alex Gerchik is having a barbeque: “You’ve got to have sour pickles.”
+Tim and Ed only have one ball to play with. Tim pretends he’s going to run Ed over with the golf cart. Tim makes Ed chase after the golf cart. Tim offers to pay Ed a million dollars to hit someone with their one ball. Tim makes Ed fish said ball out of a possibly alligator infested body of water.
+Sandy feels like she can conquer the world when she’s on a horse.
+Ed tells the camera “this is the worst day of my life.”
+ Alex Gerchik revs the engine on his 124 horsepower, 126 lbs of torque bike and muses, “When I trade, I’m as fast as this bike—just a little faster. Its name is ‘Nightmare.’ Power and money.” [Makes peace sign]
Timmy-boy is on a date with Shilla d’Armas, a “very nice model.” According to Tims, she’s “pretty bright, she actually has a sense of humor, she actually has a personality; very rare attributes” in one of these things. They met in Miami. I can’t do justice to the beauty of what’s about to go down, so I’ll let the man and the model speak for themselves:

T: They have some really good drinks here.
S: Like?
T: I don’t know, I don’t drink that crap, I drink my Goose and soda--
S: You used to drink whiskey--
T: I know, I don’t do that anymore, I’m in it for the long-term now, I can’t do Whiskey all night
S: I could eat sushi every day.
T: Welcome to my life my life, I do eat sushi every day, I have a $500 a week sushi habit.
S: Are there a lot of young people now [in hedge funds]?
T: No. Most young people are bitches in firms. That���s why I started my own firm—I’m never the bitch [knowing glance].
T: How did you do in the tennis tournament [Shilla plays for FIU]
S: We lost--
T: Sluts!
S: No we played pretty good but—
T: Fucking sluts! You lost to a bunch of sluts!
S: I get emotional when I get drunk
T: I do too
S: I cry sometimes
T: I wouldn’t go that far
S: I cry
T: That’s awesome, bring it on tonight
T: That right there, is my frequent karaoke card. Look at that, look how many stamps I’ve gotten. This is my late night place. Most guys bring girls back to their houses, I bring them to karaoke.