Apocalypse (NYSE: SOON)

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Perhaps we should have seen this coming, with Peyton Manning beating the Patriots in a playoff game, but today marks the official beginning of the apocalypse and ensuing rapture as Jesus, who must’ve pissed off Shiva or done something dodgy in a former life, has been reincarnated as a Komodo dragon. Fortunately for I-banking analysts, who have experienced more than enough suffering to be martyred, will be taken up to some protected realm before the tribulation, perhaps to one of the cushier buy side shops. The majority of your colleagues, however, will be left to deal with the 200 million horsemen left to kill the wicked, intense heat, blood soaked waterways, earthquakes and outbreaks of boils and carbuncles.
The current market impact of the apocalypse has been slight thus far, and the S&P is up 0.33%.
Before the tribulation (God's wrath against the wicked, amonst other things) can take place, the following conditions must hold:
1. The nations of the world must unify their currency onto a universal standard. [Those Susan B Anthony and Sacagawea coins are just sitting around.]
2. There will be peace in Israel according to Ezekiel 38. [Ezekiel 38 is an Uzbek blogger who thinks unionized nematodes are responsible for many world phenomena. Peace in Israel is actually one of his saner postulates.]
3. There may be a one world government, something like the 7th beast of Revelation, prior to the antichrist's 8th beast government. [There’s not exactly one world government, but this definitely foments speculation on whether the "8th beast" is Jeb or Hillary.]
4. The Jewish temple in Jerusalem must be rebuilt in its original place. [That would mean tearing down the McDonalds.]
5. The Jewish people must be in control of the land of Israel. [Now I don't feel so bad about attacking Iran.]
6. Many Old Testament commandments must be performed in the temple. This includes the sacrifice of an unblemished red heifer. [Kirstie Alley is fat again, right? I smell a live human sacrifice Cheers Reunion. Amidst career death spirals that make Eddie Murphy’s upcoming film “Norbit” seem well thought out, many of the former cast wouldn’t suspect a thing when told that the reunion was being held on a giant granite alter attended by several robed individuals referring to themselves as the “Acolytes of Destruction,” which is also a great metal band. If we’re lucky, Whoopi will attend with Ted Danson, and Danny Devito with Rhea Perlman.]
7. The Anti Christ must be walking the earth in human form. [Insert Ann Coulter joke here.]
We’re almost there, so you might as well go home at 10:00pm tonight, and wear your fiercest striped shirt tomorrow.
Zoo celebrates virgin Komodo birth – [CNN]

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