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Guess Who’s Gettin' Wasteeeeed This Week in Switzerland?

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If you guessed Todd Thomson, you are dead wrong but apparently have a sick and twisted sense of humor, and for that win two points and a copy of the Welch family’s Winning: The Answers. Now, onto the real answer: everyone at the World Economic Forum in Davos, that’s who! When we told you earlier this morning that we—snubbed as we were without an invitation*—would be giving you round the clock updates on what’s going to be a historic Five-Day Long E-bender Meeting of the Minds, we meant it. We’ve been checking in with our trifecta of unofficial reporters**, which include DealBook, Bloomberg, and the teeny camera on Daniel Loeb’s left lapel (and, when the change is necessary, his belt buckle) and, boy, do they have some mind blowing mildly amusing stuff to report. Let’s start in reverse order because, truth be told, we’re feeling frisky:
1.Loeb’s hidden camera: it’s hard to make out but it looks as though we’re in…we’re in…we’re in a bathroom. Loeb’s talking to some guy who, um, this is weird, has no shirt on and has—what the hell…a tie around his head? Hey, Minkin, come take a look at this, is Loeb actually talking to a shirtless guy with a tie around his head or are we just down tripping from this morning? The guy Loeb’s talking to IS Loeb? Okay…weird but okay…It’s hard to make out but it sounds like he’s saying something about “day by day”? We have no idea what all this means, just that ridiculousness of this kind is typical Loeb and typical Davos.
2.Bloomberg: Reports that Larry Summers is putting the spin skills he acquired last year after his little mishap with the ladies to good use, because “Davos is perhaps the one place that’s more politically correct than even the college campus.” Translation: it’s the beginning of the week people, what do you expect? Everyone’s just getting to know each other and there’s a lot of uncomfortable silences and awkward fumbling of buttons and zippers. Just wait, though; by the end of the week everyone will know where and how everyone else likes to be touched and we’ll be smooth sailing.
Bloomberg also wonders aloud in its party coverage whether or not it can get away with shaming WEF planners for “loving lofty themes,” when Bloomberg itself writes sentences like “To outsiders, it's the annual meeting of the World Economic Forum. To the cognoscenti, it's simply Davos.” Comes to the conclusion that it cannot.
a.There’s no snow.
b.The parties lined up for this week are going to be OFF THE HOOK. Apparently the “hottest ticket this year” is an invitation-only breakfast on Saturday given by Billy-boy Gates and his wife, Melly. Bill’s been known on more than one occasion to go crazy and EAT BREAKFAST FOR DINNER, so who the heck knows what he’s got up his sleeve this time.
Pricewaterhouse Coopers’ Sam DiPiazza is having a cocktail party tonight which you know can only mean one thing—KEGGER. You didn’t hear this from us, but the sleuths at DB report that SD is rumored to be going for his keg-stand personal best tonight, and must beat 136 seconds. Let’s see what happens.
Tomorrow, Steve Forbes is throwing “what promises to be a raucous party, which rock star Bono, whose investment firm, Elevation Partners, just bought a stake in the Forbes publishing company, is expected to attend.” For everyone who will be in attendence’s sakes, let’s hope not—Bono is known on the party circuit to get shamelessly drunk and make outrageous claims like he wrote the lyrics to “Roxanne,” refusing to allow anyone to reason with him and totally killing everyone's buzz.
The Nebbishy Master of the Universe has planned a party for Friday night which should be the social event of the week, considering his recently acquired pocket change but, then again, considering who we’re dealing with, it could end up being cheap beer and 1-topping pizza on paper plates. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).
More as it unfolds.
* Jerks. JK. JK, we’re serious.
**in that we’ve contracted their services without their knowledge because we’re just that good.