The Perfect Voicemail

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The mind blowing website Yahoo! Personal Finance has not updated its “Top 5 Questions & Answers,” since its launch last week (most likely due to DealBreaker’s conclusive answers to those questions), but the site is still rife with new and original content designed to help your sub-average higher order primate function. The highlight of Yahoo!’s sodomizingly fresh content-a-palooza is EXPERT Jim Citrin’s six tips on how to leave a perfect voicemail. Citrin, author of 4 non-Harlequin books and senior director of executive search firm Spencer Stuart, has been leaving voicemails since his third trimester (he demanded baby formula comps in his crib by delivery ASAP from some analysts via ultrasound) and is a higher order primate (by a 2/3rds majority panel of Bonobos). Like many of you, I think Citrin's advice is great, but just need a real world example to keep from lighting myself on fire.
To act as a supplment to Citrin, below are his tips, applied to a request for an Asian Butterfly Escort.
1. Be clear about the goal of your message:
You are drunk. Zhang Ziyi is hot. An Asian girl touched your leg once. In your current state just about anyone will resemble either of them. Make a lame joke about how you’d like to give a geisha some pretty hot memoirs. Realizing they won’t get it and pre-empting any confusion, apologize for the joke. The goal of step #1 will be lost.
2. Be authoritative and upbeat in your tone:
Claim that you have a definite idea of where you want the encounter to go, but are open to a variety of opposing views and alternatives, much like the Hundred Flowers Campaign, only with deflowering.
3. Find a bridge to the person you’re calling:
Preferably one over the River Kwai. You love Burmese chicks and you’re a naughty prison camp refugee.
4. Be brief:
Affirm that this will not be a problem. It’s been a while.
5. Be specific in your request:
Not even sure if “Asians” have wheelbarrows, you may have to refine the specificity of your request. You will instead have to say you would like to participate in “the rickshaw.”
6. Leave your contact information slowly and clearly:
Leave your VP’s address and home phone number in a clear, distinct tone, altering your voice only a few octaves so you sound like a pre-op tranny signing a Barry White song. Your VP will get a call to confirm. This will be worth it, believe me.
The Art of the Perfect Voicemail – [Yahoo! Personal Finance]

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