Publish date:

Today those sadomasochists over at take a look at a something so perverse, so unspeakable, that we don’t even want to say it but have to because only a few of you DB readers—Holman Jenkins—have the ability to read our minds: a world in which Steve Jobs is not the CEO of Apple. Sends shivers down your spine, doesn’t it? While most people on the Street (Wall and dot com) believe that Mock Turtle neck won’t be going anywhere any time soon because of the rock-solid (and uncomfortably existential) argument that “Steve Jobs is Steve Jobs,” in spite of a few run ins of his own with Carney’s FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT EVER!!!, “snowballing prosecutions for corporate backdating prompt the [sick and twisted] question of how the company would fare if Jobs were no longer in charge.” Here’s what they came up with:

1. If Jobs were to be charged with securities fraud…the stock would take a 25% hit. Apple shares closed Thursday trading at $89.51, gaining 31 cents. The stock has remained somewhat range-bound in the past three months.
2. Investors would have an initial emotional reaction if Jobs were to leave, but "stocks ultimately move around their fundamental value," he says. "If Jobs leaves, it's not necessary that Apple falls apart. The perception might be that."
3. COO Tim Cook would play a more vital role in the company.

Here are a few other things we think might happen if Apple lost Jobs:

-Let’s start with how exactly he’d be lost—we’re thinking defenestration. It would be rather fitting for him to be escorted out of the building via window, would it not?**
-In an act of exuberance over the exit of the MT Gestapo, all Apple offices will enact Plunging Neckline Fridays, effective immediately.
-Justin Long will be promoted to CEO and demand a full overhaul of the “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” ads so that he “Stops coming off as such a d-bag and that Hodgman guy stops stealing [his] thunder.”
-Aids to Long will be forced to deal with the task of how to delicately break it to their new boss that “That might prove difficult, sir, and we’re not exactly sure we have the resources for such an undertaking. And please stop locking yourself in your trailer during shoots. It’s costing us millions.”
-John Carney will refuse to believe that, in spite of glaring evidence, backdating is illegal, and will spearhead a multi-million dollar campaign (with help of Larry Ribstein) to “get to the bottom of the conspiracy that allowed this crime—Jobs’ conviction for the wholly legal practice that is backdating—to transpire,” and set up the Steve Jobs Defense Fund (something about bake sales).
If Apple Lost Jobs [thestreet .com]
**Never crossed a pun we didn’t like. Never. Ah, you got it now? That’s right, let that laugh out. Just tell the guys on your desk that if you put up with their asinine stories about how "totally wrecked they got EVERY NIGHT during college at the Delt house that they (proudly) only have (a combined) 4 four brain cells left, maybe five," they can deal with a little giggling on your part.