Fear of Phobias

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Bankers have a lot wrong with them – strange quirks, neuroses, phobias and more often than not, chronic dysentery. At least that’s the façade, because there has to be some excuse for all the times you showed up late (slept in, actually hooked up the night before, perhaps showered) or disappeared for a few hours during the day (gym, interviews, nap in office of abandoned or sparsely populated floor*). What better than a serious but rather nebulous and difficult to treat recurring medical condition to pad your few sanity preserving gaps in the 16 hour work day?
Fortunately, the whole hierarchy at an investment bank can be explained by prescribing the phobias of different rungs of the IB ladder. Here it is, IB position by phobia, with the help of this indexed list of around 530 known phobias (all the phobias have been found in a reference book or medical paper, even though some sound like they couldn’t possibly be real).
Generally, extending across all ranks, most investment bankers have a fear of freedom (Eleutherophobia), which is suspiciously close to, and I fear often times in conjunction with a fear of female genitalia (Eurotophobia). Obviously, Chrometophobia (fear of money) is right out, as well as Judeophobia (fear of Jews). It’s upper management's job to have Liticaphobia (fear of lawsuits).
Starting at the very bottom, analysts are screened carefully to ensure they do not have Rhabdophobia, the fear of being beaten by a rod or instrument of punishment, or of being severely criticized, because that is what the majority of the job consists of. Analysts also can’t have Bromidrosiphobia (fear of personal odor) for obvious reasons, but they must have Basistasiphobia (fear of standing upright), because they must remain bent over at almost all times.
Associates are a different animal, and are screened as such. Associates have a fear of even thinking about having a set of cojones (Ithyphallophobia) and thus will never question the batty decisions VP and MDs and the ridiculously time consuming results. Associates absolutely must have Lygophobia (fear of being in a dark place), most applicably in the figurative emotional sense, as associates are most often the IB employees closest to going on a killing spree.
Vice Presidents must not have Proctophobia (fear of rectal diseases) because their lips must remain affixed to a Managing Director’s posterior the majority of the time. VPs must be void of any hint of Lyssophobia (fear of dealing with insanity) as they give marching orders to people one all-nighter away from a straight jacket.
Managing Directors tend to have a highly developed case of Peniaphobia (fear of poverty) and, not surprisingly, Leprophobia (fear of leprosy), which just makes good business sense. You can never be too sure what the analysts are contracting in the bullpen, as you have developed a highly delusional sense of what happens on your floor in the plush insulation of your corner office.
* - If you want to know where this is in 277 Park Avenue, you might have to issue a special request, as it is perhaps one of the most valuable nuggets of knowledge you could ever possess
The Phobia List

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