For those of you who are unlucky enough to not still be drunk from the big Schwarzman bash last night, either because you’re now hung-over (take a page from Jamie Dimon’s playbook and have a few of whatever you were throwing back last night, which in JD’s case, would be some Fuzzy Navels) or because you weren’t there in the first place, take comfort—we’re about to soothe your woes with a little rundown of the big event, as compiled by notes from DealBook, the Post, and the tiny camera Melania Trump agreed to wear between her cleavage for the better half of the night (but only after we promised to tell you “This footage was brought to you by Trump, All Rights Reserved”).
Some 500 guests toasted Schwarzman on his 60th birthday, hailing him for reeling in the world's biggest buyout just four days earlier: the $39 billion deal involving commercial-building empire Equity Office Group. It broke the long-held record of financier Henry Kravis, who turned down his invite.
Ah, Kravis, always gentlemanly in defeat. Couldn’t have offered us your unused invite though, eh buddy-boy? Luckily, our gal-pal Melissa, erstwhile physical therapist and current wife of Chappy Morris, was good enough to fill us in with some details.
Beyond the handful of police officers on the scene, several barrel-chested men with black berets, olive jackets served as silent sentries at the door. A smattering of reporters and photographers were held in a pen well away from the front door.
“I’m sorry, you can’t come in,” the burly guard at the door told a reporter Tuesday evening. “The bomb-sniffing dogs are sweeping the place.”
CNBC anchor Maria Bartiromo was not held in that pen, presumably, until the after party, and completely voluntarily, as she’s now in desperate need of a new pet, and must lay the goods out on the table.
Mr. Schwarzman and his wife, Christine Hearst Schwarzman, have long been known for their themed Christmas parties. But few have been as grand as Mr. Schwarzman’s celebration Tuesday evening, held in a hangar-like space that can accommodate thousands.
Despite a proven predilection for Jesus, Schwarzman succeeded in throwing that “sweet Bar Mitzvah party” he’s been gunning for all these years...
Those who came enjoyed a $1 million private concert by Rod Stewart, free-flowing wine and nonstop courses of gourmet feasting in a party said to top $3 million.
Some of the more acrimonious guests noted to others during cocktail hour that “For the price of this party, you could shower a third world country with 150,000 Jim Cramer bobble heads. More if you buy them off the black market.”
Entertainment enchiladas Barry Diller, Sony Chairman Sir Howard Stringer and Donald Trump glowed in their tans.
Schwarzman told guests to go "go crazy on the Mystic tan, this is my night and I don't want any pasty-looking people mucking up the photo-ops," assuring them that "I'll buy a cure for cancer in 2 years, tops." (Sidebar: "Enchiladas"? That's never okay).
The event, caterers said, was scheduled to run until midnight.
To say nothing of the after party, which we imagine was appropriately themed “CEOs and the Secretary Hoes Who Love Them.”
A DealBreaker reader and ardent Schwarzman fan writes:
You don't blog about going to Steve Schwartzman's Birthday!
You just don't do it!
You write about that shit with a quill in a vellum diary