Portrait of the Farewell Artist as an Ernst & Young Man: UPDATE

Author:
Publish date:

***UPDATE: As the tipster pointed out - the dude totally copied the email from an August 22, 2005 joke farewell email post on UCBT rat Chris Kula's blog. Breaks my heart (I wrote my farewell email about two months before Kula's post).***
So here is the original post, now alternately titled "When Irish Eyes Are Plagiarizing":
The first rule of writing a farewell email is never to apologize for the farewell email. Those who eventually break are not only saying that they love Big Brother, but also that work was preferable to the cranially attached cage of bloodthirsty rats (doubtful).
Cian Kelliher is the latest entrant into the infamous farewell email club (I could issue the Hair Club for Men line here), only to have his membership revoked by authorities (us). Kelliher left his job as a consultant for Ernst & Young’s Risk and Advisory Services on January 26th. His first mistake was to send his farewell email on the 25th, but the email did contain the quite funny release of the pent up anger and frustration that results from the daily rusty garden tool colonoscopy that is working for Ernst & Young (or one can assume...). Some highlights:

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

Kelliher then issues off a list of (fictionalized, yet based on actual people) names followed by brief one-offs, like:

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

So aside from several instances in the email in which he uses several different incorrectly spelled variants of the word “tomorrow,” pretty good stuff, way to stick it to one man (Ernst) and out the other (Young). The Irish always did have a great tradition of (now farewell email) writers. Unfortunately, Kelliher lost his nuts, manhood, dignity, shirt, sense of pride, lunch and lunch money, Communist Manifesto, lucky charms, car keys initial brashness and issued a firm-wide and public apology when the email started gaining some momentum in the forwards of the proletariat.

I regret that the email could adversely impact on the reputation/good name of Ernst & Young and my former colleagues…I wish to emphasize that none of the comments were meant to be taken seriously. I hold Ernst & Young and my former colleagues in the highest regard.

Cian! No! Unbridled loathing means never having to say you’re sorry. Any guesses as to what punititive action Ernst threatened to turn Cian from Leo into Molly Bloom (although Kelliher's final acquienscense wasn't nearly as eloquent)?
The original email after the jump…


The email:
To: A bunch of people in the Ernst & Young Dublin office
Subject: Im outta here ..... ;.)
Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, tommorw is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Tommorow is my last day."
For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "mostly satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these "email forwards." I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We'll talk later.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
Very truly yours,
Cian Kelliher
PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Oden 5.30 tommorow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!
__________________________________
Cian Kelliher
Consultant
Risk & Advisory Services
Industrial, Commercial & Technology Group [ICT ]
Ernst & Young Dublin
Joke falls flat after accountant signs off with a howler – [Irish Independent]

Related

The Art Of The Farewell

Not everyone gets to write a New York Times Op-Ed when they quit their job, however disaffected. It’s also easier to quit a job after twelve years of cashing investment banking paychecks. No matter how “morally bankrupt” Goldman Sachs is, Greg Smith isn’t giving his bonuses back. Unlike Smith, who quit his job on his own terms and got to publish most of his resume in the Times, most of corporate America isn’t as lucky – and almost everyone in corporate America really wants to quit their job. So what are you supposed to do if you can’t get any above-the-fold space in a major newspaper? You have to burn bridges the old fashioned way – by writing a farewell email.