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Roth: “Everyone Goes Home With An STD Or No One Goes Home At All”

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The other day, John, me, The New Guy and the proprietor of Todd Mahal (Todd Thomson to you) were lamenting the lack of spirit on Wall Street these days. TT was all, “You really can’t meet any quality women at after hours functions unless you’re putting money in their g-strings or giving them comped flights on your boss’s jet. And even then, they won’t do the stuff they’d do back in the eighties.” The New Guy bemoaned the fact that “I was six years old when it was considered socially acceptable to impregnate a hooker and then stiff her on the child support-- not that that stopped me much, but it did hinder my game.” And John was like, “I can’t even remember the last time I went home with a good trannie.” Sure, you’ve got the decent people over and Jefferies putting in overtime to make sure most parties have at least a midget toss or two during cocktail hour, but that’s about it.
Which is why we were thrilled—nay, doubled-over—to read this morning that Roth Capital Partners is knee-deep in its 5-year plan to “bring back the bygone glory days of rich, white, middle-aged men having sex with prostitutes whilst ‘gangsta rap’ plays melodically in the background, Everclear flows like water and the question isn’t ‘Do you have a prescription for that drug,’ it’s, ‘Anybody got a fresh needle I can borrow?’”
While big banks may be worried about sexual harassment suits, Roth, thankfully is not. Last September, the small-cap underwriter threw a soiree at the Meatpacking District’s Buddakan for a “Cancun-meets-Wall Street-themed Lollapalooza,” replete with “several dozen topless Asian models, with the ticker symbols of the companies Roth underwrote body-painted on.” (Which coincidentally sounds vaguely reminiscent of the talent at my Bat Mitzvah party, though the girls were fellow Jewesses, and the spray-painted symbols were lines from my Haf Torah, written in very tiny font). A Roth spokeswoman told the Post’s Roddy Boyd that the women were an integral “part of a plan to help everyone unwind after a really long, hard day.”
In a few weeks, after an upcoming stock conference, Roth will be hosting a two-day “blow off steam etc” event. The first evening will be a party featuring Ludacris (who, we’d like to put it out there, was fantastic in Crash, though obviously not nearly as good as the inimitable Brendan Fraser). The next night will be a “Roman-themed toga Party” with performances by Otis Day and the Knights, who were last seen in 1978’s Animal House. Anyone with dates and times—get in touch. We’ll all meet up at the Pussycat Lounge to pre-game beforehand.