THX 4 THE ADD, PE!!!

Author:
Updated:
Original:

Until recently, we'd been vehemently opposed to MySpace. We were never really that into FaceBook either but were peer pressured into opening an account (you know how it is) back in late '04 when we were young and it was in its heyday. Let's be honest—the two sites exist solely for the purpose of facilitating hook-ups (whether consensual or non, between "barely-legal" and actually legal individuals) and we've always preferred lubing ourselves up with alcohol and meeting and mating the old-fashioned way.**
Unfortunately, we've come to realize that not only is this not how the vast majority of our peer group would like to do it, but it's not how—wait for it-- Private Equity firms would like to do it. Exhibit A: the friend request a DealBreaker reader was sent from Graystone Park Enterprises, which has apparently entered the land of jailbait and do-it-yourself web design for what seems to be lead-generation purpose. Behold it in all its horrifying and mystifying glory, here. Now if Mark Zuckerberg could just manage get the Blackstone crew to open an account with him, surely he'd be able to leverage that kind of stret cred into the $2 billion he's been holding out for all this time (but we hear Schwarzman and co. are partial to Friendster, so who knows).


**Quick story (if Carney can write posts entirely based on having a girl over to watch a movie, you can give me the floor for one minute): freshman year, before the FaceBooks and the MySpaces and the WannaCybers of the world, we did what all the other 18 year olds were doing and got hopped up on cheap beer and made some bad decisions, namely going home with a boy who, were it not for a man named Edward 40-hands, we never would have gone home with. Later, in a moment of sobriety, we thought to ourselves, "I've got to get out of here. I'll just roll out of bed and be on my way." And we did. From the lofted-bed, six feet in the air. The words "Do you want me to throw your clothes down" haven't been the same to us ever since, nor has our left wrist, which was quite nearly fractured during the fall. Point is, this was embarrassing/awkward enough as is—now imagine if we'd had to live this down, in addition to the fact that we'd actually spent time "friend-requesting" this person and all that jazz prior to the evening? We probably would've had to kill ourselves then and there.

Related

Harvard Business School Alum Has A 4-Point Plan For Fixing The Election Process In The United States

On November 6, 2012, as the results of the presidential election rolled in, a member of the Harvard Business School Class of 2010 considered ending it all. "The thought crossed my mind to jump off my penthouse apartment balcony," he wrote his fellow classmates yesterday. Sure, he had a lot to live for: friends, family, the earthly delights afforded to him by living in Southern California ("surfing, mountains, 78 degree sunshine, and hot babes everywhere"), as well as a new company and all that came with it (relationships with celebrities that straddle the line between "friend and service provider," as well as invites to "the VMAs and private concerts in Vegas"). But he also had a lot of reasons to be good and angry at the world, including but not limited to: the state of California being "filled with so many hippie liberals" he just might snap and in doing so "choke out a street bum," people who "sit around with their hand out and expect to be fed," and, most vexingly, the reelection of Barack Obama. And while he did not in fact end up leaping from his penthouse balcony apartment that night, make no mistake, he was and is exceedingly pissed about the direction this country is going, which is south on the Pacific Coast Highway right straight to hell. And whereas the endless stream of bums and hobos and hippies he encounters each and every day the second he steps out of his penthouse apartment probably would take the easy way out, because that's what they do, he's better than that. So instead, he went to bed, got up, sat down at his computer and channeled his anger into something productive: a list of suggestions for how we can get America back on track and in four years, rest it from the hands of the commie holding it hostage, like forcing candidates to use bullet points and telling people who don't believe in capitalism to pack their shit because in 20 minutes a van is coming to ship their non-contributing zero asses off to a country where it's not actually a "privilege" to live. First, though, some life updates, because it really has been too long.

You Can Add The FBI To The (Long) List Of People Impressed With Jeffrey Gundlach's Brain

There is no denying that Jeffrey Gundlach is a hugely talented man whose IQ would rank among the highest in the world if he ever had it tested. "What's it like having lunch with a genius," he once asked a colleague, who presumably answered, "To be honest, it's giving me an inferiority complex just breathing the same air as you, knowing that your brain is the standard for how intelligence will be measured from now until the end of eternity." Until recently, however, the application of Gundlach's brilliance was largely confined to bond management. According to a new profile by Bloomberg Markets, though, Gundlach's intellectual prowess is just as if not more impressive when it comes to crime solving.