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BREAKING NEWS - Church Involved in Backdating Scandal

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[Cross-posted from the original on SuperMogul]
The latest backdating scandal to erupt may be the most shocking yet!
Jesus’ (depicted here on the coolest Trapper Keeper cover ever) body may have been found in your mouth every Sunday, mystery solved! a Jerusalem tomb, according to the Discovery Channel Documentary, “The Lost Tomb of Jesus,” which aired Sunday. Despite the fate of Jesus’ corpus warping world history for the last couple thousand years, apparently it was only until recently that the SEC decided to investigate Jesus’ incorporation in “Heaven,” and verify actual residency requirements. Turns out Jesus may be using Heaven as a tax shelter, and has been hiding out in a tomb in Jerusalem all along, completely dead for starters, which means he could owe a substantial amount in back taxes, let alone estate tax (although conflicting values of Jesus’ estate range from 2 goats and a cistern bestowed by Joseph and his cousin Sal (his little known cousin Sal), to the entire universe… paternity test pending (Next on Maury, “God…(Maury opens envelope), you’re not the father of Mary’s baby. (God starts jumping around the stage and raising the roof, Mary starts sobbing on Maury’s shoulder).”
From the Numbers Guy in the Wall Street Journal regarding the tomb explored in the documentary:

The tomb is a set of 10 limestone coffins, or ossuaries, found in Jerusalem in 1980, bearing the names Yeshua bar Yosef (Jesus, son of Joseph), Maria (Mary), Matia (Matthew), Yose (a nickname for Joseph), Mariamene e Mara (a form of Mary) and Yehuda bar Yeshua (Judah, son of Jesus). Prof. Feuerverger calculated there is just a one-in-600 chance that those same names would have come together in a family that didn't belong to Jesus of Nazareth.

The Discovery channel reached the disciple Peter for a comment (found in a ceramic pot):

Ok, so we lost touch with the funeral planner and couldn’t find the J-man’s body. Supposedly there was a mix up with the crucifixion people, our guy (sigh…Judas) filled out the wrong form and showed up the wrong day to reclaim the body. Heh, those Romans, so bureaucratic… but yeah, so we looked for about three or so days after work to find out where they put him, and I mean, we’re really talking a needle in a haystack here. Do you have any idea how many people the Romans were executing back then? Supposedly they had to import wood from Cyprus just to keep up with cross production, but I’m getting off topic here.
So we’re going around for a few days from tomb to tomb, and I’m getting a bit squeamish because it’s not the most sanitary thing you can do. You’ve got to hand it to the Romans though, they figured that sanitation thing out…well…at least compared to the Egyptians. Filthy buggers – I hear they chop off the noses of all the statues down there because they don’t want any of their kings, gods or relatives to be able to smell that horrible stench in the afterlife. Ok, so we’re essentially tomb raiding, taking a little bit for our troubles, you know. It’s not like a little coveting of thy dead neighbor’s goods ever hurt anyone, because I mean, where the hell are we going after all this? It’s not like dust can use that nice copper sundial. And what if you contract something? You poke around in the wrong tomb just once and boom, you’ve got leprosy. A couple of working stiffs like us can’t afford health insurance and unfortunately top notch medical care is really the only thing that’s going to cut it for most of the stuff going around these days.
So it’s near the end of day 3, we just finish searching this enormous tomb, and I joke to Simon Peter, “Well looks like his body’s not here, I guess he rose from the dead or something.” We laughed and laughed. Apparently, and this is only what I’ve heard, Mary Magdalen, who is a little cuckoo in the head these days (we think it’s from syphilis but you didn’t hear it from me – that batty ol’ whore!) was outside the tomb and misheard us. So she books it into town, running and screaming, and next thing you know you’ve got a bunch of people talking about the “miraculous” resurrection of Jesus. I mean, seriously. Communication back then was worse than the telephone game – you know the one you play when you’re a kid and you whisper messages to each other around a circle – one kid would start off with, “Your mom’s a hairy gorilla,” and by the end of the circle the first kid would be a deity. People were really batty back then, maybe trying to fill a void of some sort, I dunno, you tell me. Anyway, yeah we sort of gave up after that – it was BINGO night at the temple. Our bad.

This proves that the Church has been involved in its own backdating scandal for years, since Jesus has not been resurrected yet. The church is conspicuously listed as buying Jesus resurrection options when they were relatively cheap (insignificant on the world stage, important only to an obscure religious cult and small investing body), and is waiting for the resurrection, some 2,000 years later, to cash in big.
The church has seen substantial corporate growth over the last 8,000 quarters, able to significantly leverage itself using the perceived value of these resurrection options as collateral for large bank loans, A/R securitization facilities, pillages, mercenary armies and the occasional crusade.
-Keith Hahn
Odds of 'Lost Tomb' Being Jesus' Family Rest on Assumptions – [WSJ]