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Life Is Like a Bad Movie Franchise, You Never Know When You’ll Get a Sequel

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[Cross-posted from the original on SuperMogul.]
Now a septuagenarian, Ivan Boesky is making a comeback – in film. Disregarding his prior career as an adult film star (his work in “Junk Bondage III – The Downgrade” is groundbreaking), Boesky will be ripping off America’s favorite retard dim bulb, Forest Gump, on the silver screen.
Forrest Gump has had over a decade to age poorly, tickling us in an increasingly more inappropriate place with that feather connoting the limitless possibilities for America’s mentally handicapable. It was divine intervention that somehow prevented a studio from capitalizing on the movie’s huge gross (over $300mm domestic) and quickly churning out sequels in which Gump performs increasingly inspirational feats – Gump cures Jenny’s AIDS by spilling chemicals in a lab, Gump programs the prototype Google search engine by writing an incomprehensible piece of fiction, Gump defeats the terrorists on United flight 93 inadvertently through the use of the flight attendant call button, Gump becomes President (I guess that story’s redundant).
Apparently, there has been a Gump sequel in the works for some time, as Wilson Groom’s follow up to the first Forrest Gump book that inspired the movie has been out since 1995. Gump & Co., based on Groom’s novel, has been in pre-production hell for years, partly because Groom is slightly miffed that he didn’t exactly capture much of the (over) half a billion dollars that the movie earned worldwide. Our prayers of Gump sequel prevention may cease to be answered as the /film blog reports that Forrest Gump 2: Back in the Habit is back in development after a long hiatus, according to a CinemaBlend source. From /film:

Gump & Co takes place several years after the events of the first book/movie. Forrest’s shrimping business has gone bust, and Jenny has died, leaving Forrest to provide for Forrest, Jr., his intelligent, though emotionally distant, son. Forrest’s mother has also died. Jenny occasionally makes an appearance as a sort of guardian angel for Forrest and their son. Gump stumbles through important U.S. events in the 1980s and early 1990s. Some of the events include: Playing football for the New Orleans Saints, selling encyclopedias, working on a pig farm, helping to develop the infamous New Coke, accidentally crashing the Exxon Valdez, helping destroy the Berlin Wall, and fighting in Operation Desert Storm. He meets many celebrities, including Oliver North, the Ayatollah Khomeini, Jim Bakker, Ivan Boesky, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and of course, Tom Hanks.”

I must admit that I first thought this was a joke, and that a narrative containing nothing but a series of serendipitous Gump failures (opposed to the feel-good tripe in the first movie) is the stuff true revenge fantasies (or parodies) are made of (imagine if Jar-Jar was actually decapitated in one of the Star Wars films). Turns out the plot is completely accurate. The plot summary of the /film blurb is taken from Wikipedia, which means you know it’s 100% true! Fortunately the Boesky greeting plot does correspond with the summaries of Groom’s novel on Amazon.
Forrest Gump 2 back in development – [/film]