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'Regards' Just Seemed So Impersonal

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Dear Gret-Gret,
Bear here, just going to get right to it—what gives, sista? We thought we were buds, amigos, pals, in it through thick and thin. Why did you force us to get those matching tattoos last year in South Beach that say “Thick as a Brick” across our lower backs if you didn’t mean it? What happened to our pact: We take the good, we take the bad, we take them both and there you have: G-Bear. Apparently it got flushed down the toilet, along with, and we don’t want to say journalistic ethics, because that’s not the right word, but how about, YOUR FREAKING MIND?
So we had some losses—so what? “Like worms that surface after a torrential rain, revelations that emerge when an asset bubble bursts are often unattractive, involving dubious industry practices and even fraud.”? Excuse me? No, excuse you, Gret-Gret! No one else is going to tell you this because no one else knows you like we do but, damn, G, that was way harsh. And it’s so like you to pull this kind of shit. You get up there on your high horse and that tee-shirt you had made on Café Press that you guilted all of us into getting so you could get the minimum number of buys, you know, the one that says, “’No Shirt, No Shoes, No Pulitzer, No Service” and you just railllllll against everyone and rake us over the freaking coals like it’s your god damn duty. Well let us remind you of something, Miss Thang—we knew you when. We knew you when you were just Gretchy-Sue Molinsky, when you wore Candies and would sneak out of the house to visit your boyfriend at PSU, the one who you told you were a senior in high school. Senior in high school my ass, toots.
So let's end this charade, missy and call a spade a spade. You don't like us and we don't like you. Maybe it's time we just end this relationship before one of us does or says something we really regret-- oh wait, you already did that. We hope that glorified piece of Hanukah gelt was worth trading our friendship for. Have a nice life.