The Big Rip Off

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A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)
With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Thus spake: The Big Rip Off. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit, and pay tribute to those who came before us.

Tara Purohit and Riad Abrahams
Bride:
MBA (-1) from Harvard (+2)
Consultant (-1) at the Bridgespan Group (-1), a consulting firm in Boston (-1) for nonprofit organizations (-1)
Pre-merger valuation: -3 points
Bridegroom:
MBA (-1) from Harvard (+2)
Managing Director (+3) of Maverick Capital (+1), a hedge fund in NY, until last October
Founded (+2) a new investment firm (this is too ambiguous for a value—leave your best guess) in NY called Black(+3)swan(-5) Partners
Pre-merger valuation: 5 points
Post merger valuation: 2 points
Notes: Definitely not a merger of equals. Merger is significantly dilutive to Abrahams, though the bride’s probably a very kind, loving, and non-judgmental person—considering “BS Partners,” she’d have to be.


Denise Lai, Marco Gomez
Bride:
Assistant (-1) vice president (+1) specializing in financial planning (-2) and analysis (+1) in the investment banking (+2) department of Merrill Lynch (-2) in Manhattan (+1)
Her father is a branch manager (+1) in Manhattan (+1) for the United Commercial (-2) Bank
Pre-merger valuation: 0 points
Bridegroom:
Vice president (+1) of J. P. Morgan Chase (+1) in Manhattan, where he specializes in client-management relations (-2) in the treasury and securities services division (+.04601)
Pre-merger valuation: +.04601 points
Post merger valuation: +.04601 points
Notes: Safe bet during a market correction.
Rhonda Quain, Gentry Klein
Bride:
Does not work in finance (+1 for being tolerable, -2 for not knowing how to properly use terms such as “hostile takeover” in the bedroom), but attended Penn (+1) for undergrad
Pre-merger valuation: 0 points
Bridegroom:
Attended Penn (+1) for undergrad, didn’t call it Wharton (+3)
Associate (-2) specializing in financial restructuring (+1) in the New York office of Rothschild (0), the international investment bank that is based in London
Pre-merger valuation: 3 points
Post-merger valuation: 3 points
Notes: Accretive to the bride; dilutive to bridegroom, who is henceforth allowed to remind bride of this fact, and use it re: girlfriends on the side.

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