The Real Blackstone Prospectus

Author:
Updated:
Original:

The problem with IPO prospectuses is that the people writing them are under some sort of obligation to the people they were contracted to write them by to make said people look good, attractive, etc, etc. If a friend asked you to write a profile for her on Jdate, you probably would say stuff about her “shiny hair,” “sparkling personality” and “not at all annoying habit of biting her nails” and “tendency to not be crazy and obsessive in regards to men.” It doesn’t matter if the last two points are lies—she’s two weeks and one kitten away from “cat lady” syndrome and that’s not going to happen on your watch.
For this reason, Morgan Stanley, Citigroup, and a smattering of other underwriters (and, of course, everyone's lawyers at Skadden and Simpson) chose to give us a view of Blackstone that said “Hey, world, come check out this hot piece of ass private equity. Don’t you want to date buy it? Yeah you do.” It’s sad, really. Fortunately, our pals at Market Poetry decided to take a stand against these lies and deceptions. The real Blackstone prospectus, after the jump.

ITEM 1. Business
Blackstone (the “Company”) is engaged in the business of buying overpriced companies, loading them unsustainably with debt, and then reselling them to the greater fool. Our business is facilitated by low interest rates and inexperienced lenders with quotas to meet. In the current market environment we are pursuing larger, higher profile acquisitions than ever before in order to feed our constantly growing egos. After financially raping our corporate acquisitions, our goal is to pass them on to someone else before problems emerge. We charge exorbitant fees to our limited partner investors that are entirely disconnected to the risk we take and the value we create. Due to our prestige and aura, we are able to offer our investors the opportunity to be associated with our institution and the feeling that they are “in the game,” in place of returns truly commensurate with our fee structure. With Mr. Shwarzman’s recent appearance on the cover of Fortune magazine and the current private equity hype, there is no better time to sell an interest in the Company. Through obfuscation, legalese, selective non-disclosure, and creating the illusion of impenetrable complexity, we believe we are able to accomplish an IPO without revealing too many of our secrets. Post-IPO we will continue to run the company for the benefit of management, but that will not be apparent to our bubble-chasing shareholders.

What An Honest SEC Filing From Blackstone Would Look Like [Market Poetry]

Related