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If You're Going To Do Something, Do It

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We heard a rumor yesterday that our feathered friend "Andrew" may have been let go from what was allegedly his position (on the 38th floor?) at Bear Stearns. Obviously, we have no idea if this is true (we only have moles in the top three and at SAC, Citadel, Renaissance, and Third Point). If it's not, well, good. We like it when people are able to pay their rent. If it is, we think Bear should stop focusing on its image and start focusing on hiring a new cleaning staff. Besides not realizing that if you drink two Red Bulls a day for two weeks, you'll need more than a twelve pack to get by, what is Andy really guilty of (other than being incredibly fashionable)?
Nothing. He didn't name his firm, give any stock tips, or release a sex tape with the CEO's wife (presumably). But if Big A was shown the door, it wouldn't be the first time Bear Stearns got its knickers in a twit over one of its employees talking to the press. With that in mind, we give you Lee Munson. The man, the myth, the legend. The guy who got fired from (what people believe was) Bear Stearns for discussing a lot more than his choice of collars and shoe-shining techniques.
You cannot make this stuff up (obviously, we’ve tried and failed):
Munson on theology:

"If I ripped my skin out, you know what would flow out?" he asked. "Bloody cash, baby. Money! Rip it out, it's gold!" Mr. Munson held his arms up higher, crucifixion-style. "I want to be like Jesus," he said. "You know why? 'Cause I'm rich with blood and I want to bleed on you, because you'll be wealthy if I bleed on you. Or maybe if you're a bitch, I'll fucking squirt you with a little bit of silver."

Munson on drugs:

"I realized at a very early time moving to New York City that my life was going to be shit out of luck unless I did something that made more fucking money–or as much money–as a drug dealer," he said. "There was only one thing that you could do, other than being a drug dealer, which I have no aptitude for anyway. Selling stock. So during good times, I make as much as a top drug dealer or mob guy…Mr. Munson's big dark eyes were dancing.

Muson on a typical workday:

It's like, 'What am I going to buy today? What new car am I going to get?' So you get up; you have to go to a sales meeting at 7:15 every morning. I'm the late one–I always come in like 7:27, 7:30. I'm the one who's always on the verge of being fired." The meeting is over by 8 a.m. "First thing I do, by 8 a.m., I'm a badass. I'm like a hot producer, I'm the hot money man," he said. "First fucking thing I do, 8 o'clock, 8:01? I start dialing numbers! Any fucking numbers! Let's do it, let's get it on, let's get the ball rolling .

Muson on the fairer sex:

He described "a perfect night" with his broker friends: "You start off at Barmacy to see if there's any cute dumb college girls there. Then you pick them up, take them to Lakeside, and then you get a chick who's out of college, who's a broad now, and if you strike out there, you go all the way to Motor City and get some filthy whore in leather pants, who just like broke up with her boyfriend Biff over at the garage."

Munson on dicks:

"Cristal. Blue Ribbon sushi. Nobu on a weekly basis. The Palm comes to mind. Whatever cost a lot of money, that's what I had. I was always a punk rocker at heart, so what I love to do is take all my friends out and just buy 'em drinks at the cool places. It was like, 'On me, baby!' Share the wealth a little bit. "You ever been out and you're at some nice restaurant, and there's this table with these guys and they're all loud?" he said. "Who are these fucking guys? They're just dicks. Those are brokers! And they're just guys like you and me who got into a weird career, had a knack for it, and just have so much money, it's like a rock star. The only difference is, a rock star, you recognize him–he's a rock star, he has a license to be bad. Brokers aren't recognizable, but they believe they have a license to be bad, too. Because they make so much money.

Munson on touching yourself:

'Isn't it great to be a fucking broker?'" he said. "'We make so much more than everybody else. Look at all the people in the bar: They're all scumbags! We make more in a day than they make all year!' That's what brokers like to talk about; it's the ultimate in mental masturbation."

Muson on the physical act of love with an older woman:

He said he seduced lots of girls; their mothers liked him. "They thought, 'How can my daughter be doing anything with him? And if my daughter is, Lee is such a nice boy,' I'm like, 'Yeah, your girl's pussy is very nice. And I want to fuck you too, Ma.'

Munson on getting even:

"If you're pissed off at Microsoft for having a monopoly and controlling the world, and Bill Gates is the Antichrist, stop whining," he said. "Why don't you buy the stock, make a million dollars, then go build a bomb and blow 'em up? But you know, people aren't man enough to do that.”

Munson on sticking it to the man:

When I make money, I put it in Wall Street's face, man. Put it in their fucking face.

Munson on political theory:

"I consider myself a capitalist," he said. "Purebred. And you know what, I think the world is sick . And communism is so concerned about the world and helping your fellow brother. Fuck you, my fellow brother sucks . Why do I want to help him ? He's a scumbag."

Munson on defacing private property:

We walked to a bar nearby called Whiskey Park. After a few photos, a striking blond hostess told us we had to stop. "This place pretty much is the last place on Earth I would want to be photographed in," Mr. Munson said, and then snarled, "Rock 'n' roll, baby ." "Since you're 12 years old, you're a little too young to be in here anyway," she said. Mr. Munson spat on one of the windows.

Munson on friendship:

Later, listening to my interviews with Mr. Munson, I realized he had picked up my tape recorder and spoken into it when I was in the bathroom. What he said was: "You're in the bathroom and I've taken control of your tape recorder. I don't really think you're a sissy . You're a little girly . I got a little pissed when you were hitting on my wife, but it's understandable. She's hot and you're not. But all I can say is, I'm enjoying this night. Pretty much. And if you fuck me over, I'll kill you. I don't have any problem with that. But I have to say that I hope that we become friends after this."

Andrew, if it's true, we're still looking for interns! Get in touch. We've got more Red Bull than you'll know what to do with.

25-Year-Old Broker Lee Munson Is Swaggering Relic of the Boom