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Jim Cramer Wants You To Lay Off Lloyd Blankfein, John Mack and Stanley O'Neal (But Keep Mocking Chuck Prince Because That Guy's Had It Coming And, Also, He Just Doesn't Like The Look Of Chuck's Face)

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Jim Cramer doesn’t want you to hate the game, or the playa. And in his column in the latest issue of New York, the “game” refers to making money; the “playas,” I-bankers (and I-bank CEOs, and, more generally, I-banks). Sure, you might be saying, why shouldn’t I hate the $54 million/year Lloyd Blankfeins and the Goldman Saches of the world? Not only are they terribly unhygienic, but they make more in an hour than I do in a month (or is that just us at DB? Don’t answer that) and I’m a jealous, small and petty person (to say nothing of my unresolved issues from childhood, which probably feed into the pettiness in a vicious, never-ending circle).
You’re saying that, right? Well Big J has the answer. If you invest said “playas,” you’ll get to be part of their “game” and your resentment will disappear because when you’re rich, you can buy the antidote to resentment. Another reason you shouldn’t hate these “playas” is because Cramer used to work for Goldman Sachs and never fails to mention this (or his relationship with Spitzer, which, let’s be honest, you really can’t blame him for, because Goldman Sachs is an incredible institution and Spitzer is essentially God’s special gift to the world and politics at large). Here are some other arguments for why you should cross Lloyd, Dick and Stanley off of your To Kill lists (hint: they all have to do with their outifts making you money, and Chuck Prince having less financial acumen than Cramer’s garbage disposal):
1. These guys are basically stay-at-home moms: underpaid and, more importantly, unappreciated.

Stop envying Goldman Sachs’ Lloyd Blankfein already. Don’t begrudge Bear Stearns’ Jimmy Cayne and Lehman’s Dick Fuld their millions. Let Merrill’s Stan O’Neal and Morgan Stanley’s John Mack get paid more than Croesus. You heard it here first: They deserve it. In fact, they deserve more than they earn now.
Those five men are underpaid because they are about to make you very rich if you buy their stocks.

2. They will make you Kings of Great Neck, Dukes of Roslyn with Asset Management alone. And, not to brag or anything, but if you must know, Cramer predicted Asset Management would be a major money-maker YEARS AGO, before assets were even invented. Of course, no one at 85 Broad listened to him, just like they didn’t about gravity or 9/11.

I can recall going to my boss in 1985 and urging Goldman to go after 401(k) money before it grew too big. He laughed: The money could never amount to anything; it would always be too small for Goldman Sachs, he told me. Today, these divisions make fortunes, and the marginal cost of managing additional funds is almost nil.

3. They’ll make you more money than hedge funds.
4. Their private equity deals will make you 1/543th as rich as they are, and for that alone you should get down on your hands and knees and proclaim your unworthiness.
5. By learning to love Lloyd Blankfein (and Jimmy Cayne, and Dick Fuld and the money they’ll supposedly make you), you’ll learn to better love yourself. It’s a foolproof plan. Lock solid. The one foreseeable problem that could get in the way of this love fest you’re having with the boys? Chuck Prince’s failure to continue to be a failure (at life).

It is a well-known punch line around Wall Street that earnings are so high at the five major banks because of one key player: Chuck Prince, the man in charge of Citigroup. If he were to be fired or decide to spend more time with his family, Citi could reassert itself both domestically and globally as a margin-slasher of Big Five profits. Don’t laugh; he’s so incompetent that he helps everybody else’s bottom line.

6. “I have my own bobblehead, ergo, I know what I’m talking about."
And really, how could he possibly be wrong when his arrogance feels so right?
(Related: somewhere, in a poorly-lit room, on a mattress with no sheet, Henry Blodget is crying inconsolably and he doesn't even know why.)
Bank on I-Banks [NYM]