A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)
With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.
Katherine Lewis, Schuyler Perry
-Graduated from Williams (-6)
-Is a publicist (-3) specializing in the technology and retail industries (-3)
Pre-merger valuation: -12
-Graduated from Hamilton (+0.5)
-Is a financial advisor (-2) in the private wealth management (-1) unit at Merrill Lynch (-1) in New York
Pre-merger valuation: -3.5
Post-merger valuation: -15.5
Notes: Dead Horse coverage suspended. Market Rating: Underperform. We feel the entity needs a serious recapitalization to generate any return on equity.
Susannah Eastlake-Wade and Brendan Jones
-Graduated from Wellesley (+1: 7 Sisters are experienced but not diseased)
-Is the manager of corporate and foundation fund-raising at the National Hemophilia Foundation in New York (an admittedly freaky cause that links one to royalty: +3)
Pre-merger valuation: +4
-Graduated from Connecticut College (0)
-Is a vice president (+2) and an assistant portfolio manager at Bear, Stearns & Company (+1) in New York
Pre-merger valuation: +3
Post-merger valuation: +7
Notes: Everyone’s a winner; let this be a lesson to you all—in-breeding is a quick and effective way to ingratiate yourselves to the Mergers and Acquisitions team.
Victoria Potterton, Austin Zalkin
-Graduated from Dartmouth (+1), magna cum laude (+1)
-Will graduate from Yale (+2) next month with a combined medical and M.B.A. degree (Pretty hard core. Or: overcompensating. Slash doesn’t even make sense, like a JD/M.B.A. Totally ambiguous combination of degrees: +3)
Pre-merger valuation: +7
-Graduated from Dartmouth (+1), cum laude (-1: if you’re going to do something, do it. None of this pussyfooting around.)
-Works in New York as an associate (-1) at ACI Capital (0), an investment firm, seeking out companies to buy (+1)
Pre-merger valuation: 0
Post-merger valuation: +7
Notes: This is clearly a CreditSuisseFirstBoston situation. Where’s First Boston now? Sitting at home, emasculated, waiting for his wife to come home (also: he’s probably taking her last name).