Mergers & Acquisitions

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A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)
With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Karen Ruiz and Jonathan Block
Bride:
Teaches first grade (+1) at a public school (-1)
Pre-merger valuation: 0 pts
Bridegroom:
Vice president (+2) and stock research analyst (-1) of medical device companies (-3) in the investment banking group (+1) at SunTrust (-5) (A word on SunTrust: when starting annual bonus rumors, Brock would send out an email saying, "I hear SunTrust is giving top tier 2nd years $150k" because this fact is unverifiable and requires SunTrust bankers to be in the discussion to begin with...)
Pre-merger valuation: -6 pts
Post-merger valuation: -6 pts
This merger is extremely dilutive to the bride, obviously. Daimler acquired Chrysler thinking they could get by on love alone and look at them now. Please relate back to what this couple’s going to look like in five, six years max.


Lora Foster and Kevin Nee
Bride:
Does not work in finance (-1)
Is the executive director (+1) of strategic planning (+2; you know what “strategic planning is code for”) in New York for Estée Lauder brands (-1)
Graduated from Columbia (+1) business school (-1)
Pre-merger valuation: +2 points
Bridegroom:
Is a partner (+2) and a portfolio manager in the New York office (+1) of the Quellos Group (-2; Quellos sounds made up), an investment company.
Received an M.B.A. (-1) from Columbia (+1)
Pre-merger valuation: +2 points
Post-merger valuation: +4
A merger of equals: BORING. No hostile takeover role-play.
Erin Tunstill and Jeffrey Lui
Bride:
An associate (+1) in the investment banking division (+1) of Merrill Lynch (-2); specializes (+1) in raising money through public offerings (+1)
Pre-merger valuation: +2 pts
Bridegroom:
An associate (+1) in the investment banking division (+1) of Merrill Lynch (-2); works with companies raising money from investors (-1)
Pre-merger valuation: -1 pts
Post-merger valuation: 1 point
Check out the romantic story of how this couple met.

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