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You Are A Dirty, Dirty Bank

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The results of yesterday’s “Which bank has the dirtiest working conditions” poll are in. Some of the results may surprise you, some may not. If you actually read what we wrote about Bear Stearns’s in-house cafeteria and its 42 health-code points violations, for instance, you won’t (or shouldn’t) be surprised to learn that it landed in the top three (and if you read the part about contaminated food and inadequate levels of personal cleanliness and are still stunned, don’t invite us over to your home any time soon). If you didn’t know, though, that the 85 Broad is basically one step away from a gas station restroom on the Garden State Parkway (going South), you might be a bit caught off guard to learn that the Kingdom also landed at the top of the list of shame (all that glitters is not gold, indeed). Let’s examine the cold hard (dirty, disgusting, scatological) facts now.

It’s hard to reinvent yourself as clean after getting a rap like Bear Stearns did from the Board of Health. Considering what we know about 383 Madison Avenue, a 23.1% vote of confidence (that you should douse yourself in bleach after going in there) actually seems extremely generous. Maybe even a bit fishy (not unlike the smell of rotting fish at Bear).
A former employee of BS informed us: “Bear was the worst firm I ever worked at and in every sense. Crap overflowing in the bathrooms (equity trading floor on 5th) and mediocre people in charge.” While we would like to raise the level of discourse around here, re: human waste, if it means exposing the truth, the DealBreaker Team is not afraid to get its hands dirty. Remember that. But don’t take it to heart.
We’re not going to try and sound like tough guys (and gals) on this next one: some tears were shed when we found out who took the #2 spot for the foulest place to work. Yes, the so-called Masters of the Universe work in squalor that would make a homeless person go, “Um, I think I’m going to have to take off, no offense, but this place is a sty.” How could this even be, Keith and I wanted to know (Carney, to his credit, actually hissed that he knew the Goldies were slobs all along). Luckily (depending on how you look at it), a few of Blankfein’s toy soldiers shed some light:
“They’ve crammed so many people in so tightly, they have zero personal space.”
“I would have more trouble with the SMELL...literally collective B.O. is the biggest gross-out...then add in old food in overflowing garbage cans, etc. It is foul.”
“A sh*t hole…sorry to burst the bubble…but the $$$ does NOT go to the (work)crib, it goes to the partners.”
“It's really clients (HFs, rich long-only's) who have the choice's kinda like the banks don't want to be seen as making too much so it's nice enough not to be embarrassing, but kinda wanna give the air of not wasting money.”
And 3: Citigroup. Just can’t catch a break, can they? Poor numbers, 17,000 job cuts, a whore running Smith Barney, and now this? A third place finish in “Who Is The Most Disgusting?” race? While upon initial inspection, Citi doesn’t appear any more dirty than the next guy (unless you probe it with a UVA light), one Citi chap shared:
“When you were given a new stapler/phone/etc you would try and hide it from the cleaning ladies because their brushes actually had dirt on them and were counterintuitive.”
“The associate next to me had a couple of mouse traps under his desk.”
Citi: dangerously straddling the line between bulge bracket bank and first floor apartment in BedStuy.
Did your office slip out of the line of fire during the commotion? Does Credit Suisse’s vote of confidence belie the fact that you need a Tetanus shot to enter the bathroom safely? Let us know. We’ll be doing on-site inspections when we get around to them.