Carl Icahn Knows How We Like To Be Touched

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It’s a little upsetting to find out that one’s publicly professed deity includes the bit “A thief stole my wife's credit card, but I didn't report it. Guess why? The thief spends less than my wife!" in his set of “favorite” jokes. The chafing is slightly salved when reminded that the fallen god has previously told adversaries, “You’ll never work on Wall Street again” and “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” purposely “mangles” people names, and once told Ken Moelis, chief of investment banking at UBS that he was a “Mollusk.” But that’s nothing compared to the sunshine on one’s face that is this:

The hottest investor in America [Fortune]

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Carl Icahn Still Thinks Bill Ackman Is A Bum, But That's Just, Like, His Opinion

There are many people in the universe who are fans of hedge fund manager Bill Ackman. They like his style. His charm. The way he makes them feel. The fact that he's not afraid to show his emotions or give them an honest opinion about their new dress or say "You know what? Those highlights really aren't working for you." Carl Icahn, however, is not one of those people. Save for a fleeting moment of supposed amicability following "a lengthy, boozy dinner," Icahn has viewed Ackman as a punk for nearly a decade; an untrustworthy little jerk who Ichan's friends supposedly told him not to do business with. (The feeling being more than a little mutual; as Ackman has put it, "The guy is a shakedown artist. His word is worthless.”) Anyway, in case anyone was wondering if the investors had put an end to their feud with another long, booze-filled meal, wonder no longer.