Dante Tim Sykes's Inferno

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Here at Dealbreaker, we occasionally like to look into the darker underbelly of finance. See what happens behind closed doors. Under desks. On boardroom tables. In the eleventh floor bathroom of Goldman Sachs. These tours of duty are most informative when we have a guide. We've already contracted Philip Goldstein for the entire month of August, but today (and for the next several weeks or until we've sucked him dry of all he has to offer, vis-à-vis being a Hedge Fund Guru (or whichever comes first)), our Shepherd is Tim Sykes. We hope you enjoy the ride, and any complaints should be directed to tim at timothysykes dot com, though we really don't anticipate any.
April 24th: On Tuesday, I was flown to Orlando by Options University to be a guest speaker at their 1st Annual Online Trading & Investor’s Superconference. That’s right, it wasn’t just an ordinary conference; it really was a super conference. Speaking alongside such industry legends as Steve Nison (Candlestick Charts), Larry McMillan (Options Guru), and Jake Bernstein (Technical Analysis), I (Bar Mitzvah Boy/ Reality TV Star) was a little intimidated. After our five minute introductory speeches, I settled down since I was the only speaker to receive a round of applause from conference attendees. Cool, maybe I was cut out for this shit. Take that Nison!
April 25th & 26th: My feature presentation wasn’t until Friday so I had three days to bask in the beautiful weather, play golf, and test the hotel’s lazy river. But I’m a trader, and after one day of achieving a respectable sunburn, I was bored out of my mind.
I opened my ridiculously over-equipped laptop, and began trading. The market was surging higher so I


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Whoops! Almost disclosed the details of all that risky trading I do. Sorry, but that kind of information isn’t fit for your unaccredited investor eyes. Thankfully my trusty SEC Information Blocker caught that in time. You can’t buy it in stores, but the SEC sends you a copy after you take the bold step of trying to expand your amateur trading operation into a hedge fund.
April 27th: My 90 minute presentation went great. Along the way, I managed to include such important lessons as:
-If you haven’t already had a Bar Mitzvah, have one ASAP. Invite everyone you’ve ever met before and even people you haven’t because the minimum gift is $35; trust me, it adds up.
-Based on the amount of spam I receive, the economy is doing great. (I then proceeded to detail my spam-based economic theory)
Two thunderous rounds of applause later, I flew back to NYC to pickup the final draft of my upcoming book “An American Hedge Fund.” Speaking of which, here is the book’s cover (designed by the incredibly talented Vu Cao of http://www.madcaoworks.com:

Stay tuned for next week’s installment as I talk about **************BLOCKED DUE TO SEC REGULATIONS ************************************************* *********************************************************************** Damnit! Sometimes it gets annoying.

Timothy Sykes is a hedge fund manager, star of the reality show Wall Street Warriors, and author of the upcoming book, “An American Hedge Fund”

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