Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.
Sometimes, when your BBFs turn out to be unsupportive scabs, you just need to distract yourself. Unfortunately, right when that happens you seem to get a bunch of outside influences tugging at you. Well, because a certain editor violated my privacy and splayed my AIM name (muffiehbs05) out on the entire interwebs, I now get any number of dipsticks asking me for a date. True, I had this one passable one in email already and I already had to ignore a bunch of tools in my inbox, but then you find out that some of the ones you are hoping have promise just wither away without even a fight when you shine even a dim light on them. I swear, I don't know how you are supposed to meet someone when you work for a highly prestigious investment bank like I do.
Anyhow, so in a weak moment, I get this email, I respond to it, I have to wait 22 hours (which is intolerable for a date planning session and then this is what I get:
(after the jump)
7:55:10 PM peguyfrom?: hiya stranger
7:55:18 PM muffiehbs05: Why hello.
7:55:23 PM muffiehbs05: And yes, you are indeed a stranger. Who are you?
7:55:47 PM muffiehbs05: Oh, and just so you know, I reserve the right to publish all my chats. ;)
7:56:27 PM peguyfrom?: fair warning
7:56:39 PM muffiehbs05: Of course, they have to be interesting first.
7:57:01 PM peguyfrom?: well im not that interesting so im worried
7:57:10 PM muffiehbs05: And that's not a really flattering way to start a conversation, you know.
7:57:32 PM peguyfrom?: sorry i'll start over
7:57:36 PM muffiehbs05: Good idea.
7:57:45 PM peguyfrom?: hiya stranger
7:59:20 PM muffiehbs05: Yes, we are strangers, that's for sure.
7:59:42 PM peguyfrom?: just so you know,, i dont pull that whole "breakfast and books" with everyone
7:59:45 PM peguyfrom?: in fact youre the first
8:00:00 PM muffiehbs05: Oh, right, you were the email invitation for me to have breakfast and go bookshopping? I'm honored, I think. To what fatal flow do I owe the pleasure?
8:00:20 PM peguyfrom?: i cant pinpoint it
8:00:29 PM peguyfrom?: i saw the pic and had an urge to buy you breakfast
8:00:30 PM muffiehbs05: That's always been my problem.
8:00:40 PM peguyfrom?: how so
8:00:45 PM muffiehbs05: Who are you, what do you do and where do you come from?
8:01:14 PM peguyfrom?: wow get to the point,, i guess this wont be a "youve got mail" relationship
8:01:29 PM muffiehbs05: I have no patience for Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, or cheesy romance hits.
8:01:47 PM muffiehbs05: I am a busy girl, so what's up? Lots to do.
8:01:52 PM peguyfrom?: im sean, now you go
8:02:06 PM muffiehbs05: I'm Muffie. Isn't this fun?
8:02:13 PM peguyfrom?: very. nice to mee you muffie
8:02:20 PM peguyfrom?: is that your birth name or a nickname
8:02:36 PM muffiehbs05: Nice to meet you Sean. And again, back to the moment where I hope things inflect. What can I do for you, Sean?
8:03:08 PM peguyfrom?: cant a guy just spank up a convo without demanding something?
8:03:31 PM muffiehbs05: Spank? I really hope that's a reference to wanting to get a spanking or something and not... never mind.
8:03:49 PM peguyfrom?: you asked if you could do somehting for me,, who said i needed anything
8:03:51 PM muffiehbs05: You are talking to me for a reason, right? I mean, I am allowed to get something out of it, yes?
8:04:07 PM muffiehbs05: That is permitted? This is AMERICA right? Not some socialist state where greed is illegal?
8:04:34 PM peguyfrom?: right
8:04:52 PM peguyfrom?: where are you from muffie
8:05:59 PM muffiehbs05: Hang on.
8:06:01 PM muffiehbs05: Phone.
8:07:06 PM muffiehbs05: I'm sorry, where were you?
8:07:11 PM peguyfrom?: i was asking you where you were from
8:08:00 PM muffiehbs05: No, no, no. You were doing fine, you'd been courteous and receptive to courtesy, you'd established trust with the embarrassing truth about your first attempt, and now this ham-handed segue into small talk. It won't do. It's stupid and boring.
8:08:24 PM muffiehbs05: Really, who are you and what do you do? Interest me. Enthrall me.
8:08:37 PM peguyfrom?: alright i'll do my best
8:08:50 PM muffiehbs05: You haven't been doing your best heretofore?
8:08:56 PM muffiehbs05: Am I not worth it? Your best? From the get go?
8:09:11 PM peguyfrom?: to be completely honest, no one has ever talked to me like you have
8:09:15 PM muffiehbs05: It won't be the last time, I promise.
8:09:17 PM peguyfrom?: i meet the wrong girls apparently
8:09:42 PM peguyfrom?: cut to the chase- im from new york i work at credit suisse in the private equity group
8:10:59 PM muffiehbs05: What do you do in the private equity group?
8:11:26 PM peguyfrom?: analyst
8:11:31 PM muffiehbs05: B school?
8:11:48 PM peguyfrom?: ahh this is where i show my age
8:11:57 PM muffiehbs05: That's a problem for you usually?
8:12:26 PM peguyfrom?: well when im talking to a b school 2005 grad,, its not the best idea to show how young and inexperienced i am at life
8:12:43 PM peguyfrom?: just graduated college a year ago
8:12:45 PM muffiehbs05: So you haven't been to b-school?
8:12:50 PM muffiehbs05: And you do what for CS PE?
8:13:12 PM peguyfrom?: again, analyst
8:13:23 PM muffiehbs05: How old are you?
8:13:28 PM peguyfrom?: 23
8:13:39 PM peguyfrom?: i thought we werent doing small talk
8:13:45 PM muffiehbs05: Fuck small talk, would you? C'mon. I waited 20 hours or something for you to IM me after I emailed?
8:13:57 PM muffiehbs05: Wait, 23? How long have you been an analyst?
8:14:08 PM peguyfrom?: about a year
8:14:39 PM peguyfrom?: whats your story? "entrall me"
8:15:04 PM muffiehbs05: Why should I enthrall you? You're the guy.
8:15:13 PM muffiehbs05: So, planning on b-school?
8:15:23 PM peguyfrom?: yea in a couple years
8:15:47 PM peguyfrom?: im assuming you reccomend hbs
8:16:09 PM muffiehbs05: RECOMMEND? What other option is there? Wow, you have your obtuse side. it's kind of cute. Yeah, but not really. Just get daddy to call his people and write you a rec. It takes like a 10 minute phone call with some partner at some law firm who you never even have to meet, really.
8:16:27 PM peguyfrom?: boston folk dont like me
8:16:29 PM muffiehbs05: Tell you what. Drop me a ringie-ding when you've graduated HBS, ok, doll?
8:16:59 PM muffiehbs05: I have to run. Suzie is SMSing me from downstairs in the car.